Stuck

[NYlover]

Hi there,

This is my first post here... I have anxiety, a tendency to depression, OCT (with obsessions and intrusive thoughts), and adaptative disorder (I just moved to a new city and I'm struggling). Overall, I feel stuck, and that makes me feel anxious and scared. I'm in my 30s, all my friends are married and having kids in my hometown. Meanwhile, I quit my job two years ago, decided to leave almost everything behind, and moved to another continent to start something new. I've had a long-distance relationship from that moment until a few months ago, when we decided to pause it and then break it. We were together for 6 years in total and so much in love. It was not the lack of it that broke us off. It was the uncertainty of the future. So now, we are technically not together, but we still call and message each other every day. We still say that we love each other and that we miss each other. We are a really important support to one another. But again, we are not together (and we discussed we can see other people). So, I don't know what the future looks like in terms of my relationship, and that makes me feel anxious. I'm scared. I can't move on, but I don't have a relationship either, and is driving me nuts. Additionally, I am having a fling with someone in this new town where I am, and this situation adds pressure. I enjoy spending time with this fling because is physically here, funny and kind, and honestly, I really missed the company. It has been too long. But the guilt is eating me out. Even though I am technically single, I'm still very emotionally attached to my ex-partner. In the long term, I want to be with him (or so I thought) even though we are not together now. My ex-partner doesn't want kids, and I'm still indecisive. That also complicates the equation. I'm very confused right now. Anyway, living in this constant contradiction is unbearable. The contradiction of not knowing what I want or wanting it all... It's a painful situation. How do you know it's love and not the fear of letting go? How do you distinguish? A couple of months ago I was telling my ex-partner that I wanted to go back and be together. I am very confused, and as you know, confusion leads to anxiety.

I also don't know what to do with my job. I don't like it, it brings me down so much, but I know the place I work has potential and I could find something I really like inside the company. But again, going to work every day knowing I hate it, makes me sad and I just want to cry. My family, in a different country, is broken, my siblings don't talk to each other, they don't treat well my parents and they ignore me. It's heartbreaking. I have also had problems finding apartments, now I have to move again! and I don't have many friends where I live now, so I feel lonely, sad, depressed and very anxious. Because I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want, I don't know what path I should take. I'm completely stuck. Some days are better than others, but on the really bad ones, like today, I am sleep-deprived and can barely eat. There is this heavy weight in my chest that paralyzes me. Can anyone relate to this feeling? I feel very overwhelmed. Thanks for reading and not judging🙏

[Ellamaye]

Hi x your post was long with alot of information crammed in so I'll just reply about the main points I took from it if that's OK? X First of all well done on taking risks and moving away and trying new things. The point you made about being in 30s and everyone else married etc shows me that you question your earlier choices. You shouldn't. Anxiety makes us question everything so if you settled down with your first partner you would only have looked back and had regrets about that too. Life is a gamble and you were brave enough to take that

[NYlover in reply to Ellamaye]

Hello Ellamaye,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply. I completely agree with you, anxiety makes us question choices and it drives us crazy. Thanks for your kind words about me taking risks and being brave. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it; in the sense that making these decisions and "being brave" takes so much energy, and effort, and honestly suffering too... I guess not taking them would have consequences too, as you mention. Anyway, thanks for your response. Take care

[Ellamaye in reply to NYlover]

Yes I'm so glad you got the point I was trying to make. Literally there are consequences to every choice so not much point in regret. You can torture yourself with what ifs or just roll with the decisions you made x