Not coping very well

[LittlePlasticBuddha]

I grew up in an extremely toxic home. I've grown to accept that and done my best not to repeat my parents' mistakes.

My wife and I have been together almost 20 years. Her family is more of a family to me than my own blood relatives. They are wonderful, kind, loving people. Everything I lacked growing up. And they have taught me how to be part of a family. I'd lay down my life for any of them.

A couple of years ago, my father-in-law was diagnosed with throat cancer. Ended up losing his voice box in the process. He's cancer free, but he's a shadow of his former self. And being in his 80s, I understand the clock is ticking. My mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's.

I was "lucky" in that both of my biological parents died fairly suddenly. I didn't have to watch them waste away or forget who I was. I don't know how to process this. I'm lost. I'm scared. These people saved me from the path of self destruction I was on. I owe these people.

I keep a brave face for the girls (wife and her sister) but I have never felt so powerless in my adult life. I can't let them see, because I don't want them to think they are a burden leaning on me.

I just don't know what to do.....

[LoveforAll41]

Hi LittleBuddha, I think it makes sense that you would feel lost. These are people that are tremendously important to you, and with the struggles that they have it sounds like you are already losing them. Your loss shows your love for them and that you are mourning their changes that have already happened. It makes complete sense to feel lost and scared.

I would encourage you to share with your wife that you are scared and lost. I think a large part of my mental anguish has not been sharing and feeling these negative emotions. I would imagine your wife will surely empathize and you can buoy each other up. You can process your grief together, and treasure what you still have. I wish you peace, hope, and strength.☮️

[LittlePlasticBuddha in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you for your response. I truly do appreciate it.

I'm torn on talking to my wife. Obviously, after 2 decades, communication isn't a problem we have. But, historically I'm the family "rock". The person everybody else comes to with their problems. Because I'm a fixer. Need something moved? I'm your guy. Need a shoulder to cry on? I got you. Need cheered up? I can probably do that. Advice? If I don't have an answer, I know how to find one.

I seem to be able to fix everybody else's problems but not my own 😀

I worry if I speak up, people will feel like they can't/shouldn't come to me. The girls are under so much stress right now. I want them to know they can count on me. Maybe that is my ego talking, I don't know.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to LittlePlasticBuddha]

Maybe you could give it a try and see how it goes over... I personally really thing we have to feel these hard emotions to process them. I would try to stress that you don't need them to fix your problem of feeling lost, you just need them to listen and acknowledge that it is hard. Perhaps sharing here is easier, and hopefully it is helpful, but I think that real recovery is to be had in sharing. I would opine that you can be vulnerable and still be a rock for them by functioning and carrying on with life while still feeling things. Sorry to keep on this, it has just been a really revelatory change for me with my recovery.

My wife feels she can't share financial anxiety with me since I get depressed trying to provide, but I am getting better with it. I really want her to be able to share too.