lost, confused, sad

[dixont04]

Back in the days West Indian families didn’t believe in mental health. As I grow older more people are seeking therapy. However, the older generation still find it hard to believe that anxiety and depression exist. When I think about my childhood it is all a blur. I remember bits and pieces. I forced myself to forget my life because I hated that much. I would make up and imagine a world where I was a rich successful woman so I could forget the things I was going through, such as sexual, physical, and verbal abuse. My first vision of my childhood is locking myself in the bathroom because my mother wanted to beat me. She went as far as taking the door off the hinges to get to me. That was the first time I felt she hated me. The first time I experience sexual abuse was from a family member. I lived in fear for weeks or maybe months. I also experienced name calling from the people that was supposed to protect me. I heard names such as big lips, worthless, and ugly. I think about how much my childhood has shaped my life and to be honest I have a ton of regrets. I’ve dated men that treated me like my mother. I juggled multiple relationships at the same time because I wanted to experience love. I didn’t realize I was slowly killing myself internally. How can I change my life for the better. My past still haunts me. I suffer from depression and anxiety because I hate myself for the bad choices I’ve made in life and I can’t move on. I need guidance.

[Kayakin]

Hi dixon, I am so sorry life has been so unfair to you. Would it be possible for you to see a therapist or councilor? There are some resources on this site. The past does not have to dictate our future. I will be thinking of you, and pulling for your happiness. Never forget you deserve the best, and stay away from people who do not give that to you.