Struggling to take care of myself. Spiders!!!

[Against_the_current]

So damn scary. And i feel bad i didn't feel well with mom. Now my sister is sick and i can't go back home. I was a little better and then boom depression with difficulties eating, sleeping at night and not at day, cleaning has always been a problem. These damn spiders. And i feel like a burden. I worry what i will do when i graduate. Even now when im taken care of i struggle. Grandpa called and mentioned my half-sibling twice for a one minute call and i just bursted out in tears. I know ppl tell me it's not its fault but i was just triggered. And i told my friend and he became cold and I'm worried if he leaves because i have anxiety. Google pics gave me a pic from three years ago. It was dad's house when i first escaped from mom there and found out i will have a half-sibling... That aside i worry what and where i will live after graduation with this anxiety and ptsd. Also i can't clean, I'm not good at it, I'm worried i bother someone with the vacuum cleaner, the place is too tiny. I have hard time cleaning, feeding myself, watering myself, keeping the temperature, no socialization, no sunlight. I was good for a few days with my holistic healing and then i just run out of resource, physical, mental, human, all . Crying because there are damn spiders

[davidthecoder]

Spiders scare me as well. I have a small hand vacuum I use that is entirely meant for vacuuming spiders when I clean. I put a piece of tape on the vacuum opening so they can't get out once I vacuum them.

I encourage you to clean even if it is difficult for you right now. You will feel relief from being in a clean environment. If it keeps getting messier, it will feel worse. I believe you can do it, and I also wanted to say that I feel for you. I have anxiety as well and I can understand what you are going through. Meditation has helped me but it is still a struggle even after years of that.

[Against_the_current in reply to davidthecoder]

Thanks

[davidthecoder in reply to Against_the_current]

Of course. I have a soft spot for other people with anxiety. If you want to be friends and/or just chat, feel free to send me a message!

[Against_the_current in reply to davidthecoder]

That's awesome! So do i

[SoporRose]

Why can't you go back home? Couldn't you take care of your sister while she's ill — make her some soup, watch a movie with her, change her sheets for her? You. talk about missing her; this could be a nice way to get closer to her. You are always so terribly unhappy in your accommodation.

Your other sibling needs your acceptance, too. You know so keenly how rejection and neglect from family members can scar a child. Surely you don't want to treat that little one cruelly as you have been treated? I have to believe you are a better person than that.

As far as your friend goes: all relationships have rocky moments. A real friendship isn't a relationship without disagreements or awkwards moments. It's a relationship in which the people involved work things out, forgive each other, give each other space, come back together, and are stronger for doing so.

It's the same with your healing. It won't be a straight path without any bumps and curve-backs. I think you are growing stronger and are starting to face your fears more honestly. It will be hard and painful, but you are a survivor and a brilliant student and I have faith that you will find your way.