desperate! Don’t know what to do.

[MandyBueno]

First of all thank you for reading. I would like some advice on a situation that’s new to me. I will be 100 % transparent about this. I have been married for almost 3 years now. We are a young couple ( he’s 30 and I’m 25) so yes! I got married I was 23 and with that I had a lot of maturing to do and so did he. With ups and downs we have been happily married. We cannot deny we love each other to death but had had pretty heated fights over nothing. He’s a hot head so am I. Fire with fire means: Wild fire 🔥 but gladly we have been working on ourselves. We are both Christians so if you are a Christian your faith input will be more than welcomed. Anyways recently we made the decision to move in with his folks to save money for a house ( let’s agree that the house market has been a pity). We were tired of renting and decided to make the sacrifice to pack all our stuff and move in. We do not have any kids so I consider this situation a bit easier. But still challenging. My husband got a promotion at work and before we moved in we agreed I would focus on school only ( he’s the main provider). So my school hasn’t started yet so that means I pretty much stay home ( my in-laws house) more than he does. Luckily I have a good relationship with my in laws. But a month ago my mom in law had open heart surgery and she needs a lot of care. We were already moved in and it was not an easy transition to me. People coming in and out the house. I was helping too. Now she’s at that point where she does not require a lot of help but yet some. My father in law needs to work so I’m the one that stays with her ( I’m not gonna lie it gets boring). And throughout this whole situation I came more to the conclusion of how selfish I can be. Thinking about “ I wanna leave the house” “ it’s not fair”. While she’s the one suffering. Actually it’s been a journey to me. But this is not the main subject. Remember I told you me and my husband can be hot heads? Yup… the fights!!! Before we moved in we have talked about fighting and trying not to do in front of them. Our fights in the past got super loud and ugly. Tears, screams, throwing things around type of ugly. With the help of God those fights have turned more into nagging, petty talks and bickering. And yesterday we had something similar to that . It was over something stupid and a miscommunication actually. It caught us off guard and it was mainly my fault. Unfortunately my in laws heard it and then I could hear my mother in law kinda making a comment and “ getting nosy”. I’m not gonna lie, I got 10 times madder. It wasn’t about the previous situation anymore. That put a damper on my whole mood for the night. I didn’t talk to them. I went straight to the basement . The thing that sucks is : arguing with your spouse never feels good. But having the feeling you need to justify it to other people.. it’s just the worst! Because the thing is : couples fight! I’ve seen my in laws fighting and I always stepped out of the picture. My mom in law bless her heart but she’s nosy. She’s a lovely lady but man she’s a nosy one. And now that she’s had heart surgery I think any filter she once had it’s now out the window. Gone. And I’m trying to navigate that. I spend the day with her since she needs help that kinda drives me nuts a bit just because of boredom and I count the days for my school to start. The set up with them is not ideal either. Even though we live in the basement … bathroom, kitchen and all things are on the main floor so… avoidances are not an option. I love them though. And moving in with them has been recent. I told my husband yesterday that every time we feel like an argument is coming we should just go down to the basement.. but easier said than done. I need advice!!!! I know this situation isn’t ideal and we both knew it’s a sacrifice we needed to make in order to achieve our goals. We want this to work! We haven’t had a big fight yet but I want to allow myself to think that if we do end up having a big fight things would be okay. Like they always are. We fight , we work through it and we make up and we are stronger. But now… having his parents around just feels like I owe them an explanation ( at least to his mom) . It’s very frustrating to me.

[LoveforAll41]

Hi Mandy, I am sorry that you are going through this and have to have third parties privy to your married life. I think that your heart is in the right place and that you are committed to making things work. I think that if you said what you have in this post about your fights to your mother in law she would be understanding and see your committment and love. It shows that you are learning and growing and committed. Fights and losing our temper is embarassing, but it is understandable.

My wife and I considered living with her parents, but ultimately have not as she did not want to have the situations that you have gone through. It sounds like you knew it would be a sacrifice and have the right attitude, but that doesn't mean it is hard. Maybe this is a bit more motivation that can help you and your husband find a better way to communicate before you have children. I know that my parents fighting contributed to my anxiety as a child. I wish you peace, hope, and understanding.

It is hard to do and seems preachy at times, but I like Dr David Burns work on communication. He has a book called "Feeling Good Together".

[CLB1125]

Caring for your mil is very giving of you. I didn't have a very good relationship with my mil. Now when my youngest graduated my husband and I moved in with my mom. The only thing is the basement had a kitchen and bathroom. My husband was so good to her. She was in her late 80s and very frail. we didn't discuss our private stuff in front of her. Maybe you can talk your husband and ask that you work out your problems privately.