Waking up at 4am after 2 hours of sleep, feeling like im gonna throw up, crying, regretting how i treated mom, needing someone

[Against_the_current]

And wondering what i will do with moving out, paying more to live separately.

Before that i called a hotline again and the girl helped me, told me to call again if i need something. I wondered whether to call her because im worried about moving out and worried about how to tell my family what's going on but decided not to bother. I calmed and i fell asleep but i woke up two hours later panicing, thinking i need mom and how can i give so much money for rent to be away. I needed this girl because she's the only one who helped me and I wanted to catch her before she changes shift and because a new person would tell me this is a line about abuse. She didn't help this much again, just told me that i need to try to eat something and call the psychiatrist which i will do but i needed her and needed to at least try. And also told me it's another panic attack which calmed me because i thought i was either having really serious problems or i was going insane and hysterical. Just a panic attack. Another one. I'm on 2 mg of Clonasepam and i have more panic attacks a day than i have calm moments. For 48 hours i was calm for 3 hours, the rest was panic. Idk how i will explain to mom. I sorta explained it to grandparents (on dad's side which she would go crazy if she knew. They told me it's mine and mom's mistake we didn't share i was ill but mom gets crazy when i talk to them especially regarding her. And I feel so guilty because it's their son who left and she took care of me and i seem ungrateful to mom). I told grandma i will eat. I just headed to unlock my room and go unlock the kitchen (fck this accomodation) and mom called. Then i just lost it. Took my Clonasepam and went to sleep. I think im a terrible daughter and an adult. I can't live with or without her. I hope this is just a panic attack and acid reflux from starving myself. Mom said maybe i should be hospitalised but if i don't finish this exam, the exam will finish me. Also Bulgarian hospitals are worse than an average european jail. I even joked i will rob a bank in Germany to get an accommodation better than my current one. I'm unhappy here, I'm unhappy home but idk how to move out.

[SoporRose]

"I even joked i will rob a bank in Germany to get an accommodation better than my current one." Your humour is one of the reasons I keep believing you can pull through your exam and whatever comes after. This line made me laugh out loud.

What were you hoping the hot-line staff could do for you? She seems to have given a sympathetic ear and some practical advice about your panic and getting in touch with your therapist.

Panic attacks are exhausting. I think your body and mind don't know how to stop having them. I hope your therapist will give you some practical actions you can take. What do you want from talking to your psychiatrist? It might help if you have some specific requests. Do you think you need a different or additional medication? A higher dose of what you're taking? A break from your meds? Perhaps if you ask your psychiatrist to do whatever is necessary to get you through your exam so she knows you're looking for a temporary boost and will come back after your exam to re-evaluate, she might be more willing to consider whatever you need for now. Do you think that might be true?

If you really think you were "terrible" to your mom, call her and apologize. Don't make excuses; just say you're sorry and won't take out your anxiety on her again. I know there's a lot for which your mom should apologize and probably won't ever, but don't let that stop you doing the right thing.

I hope you can get some useful assistance from your therapist. Let us know how that appointment works out, would you?

Ruth