Well, here I am on the other side of Father's Day. It could have been better and it could have been worse. My kids didn't call me, My oldest sent me a brief text, not really a conversation, and my youngest tagged one of my Facebook posts with a happy Father's Day meme. Maybe it's just how holidays are commercialized, but it would have been nice to get a little more appreciation of acknowledgment, a phone call would have been enough. We lost my father when I was 15. He was killed by a drunk driver. As a result, I didn't get to know him as an adult. I didn't have a role model as a teenager, so I had to go on instinct when it was my turn to be a father. I had to work a lot so I wasn't around a lot during the early years and then when they got older I started having panic attacks and agoraphobia. I wasn't a drunk or physically abusive dad. I wasn't a wealthy man who could support them with fine clothes and a college education. As teenagers they both Identified as female and when they changed I was open and accepting. I feel like I did what I could and should have done right as a dad. When their mum and I broke up it wasn't a nasty drawn-out feud, so I don't feel like that would have made my kids want to avoid me, in fact, they both came willingly to live with me until they were ready to be on their own. And then there is the other side of Father's Day. Like I said my father was taken from us in 1980. Greif isn't something that ever goes away, it's just something one has to come to terms with in order to live and be happy. He would have been in his 90s now so chances are he'd have passed by now if he had a natural life. His voice and some of his mannerisms were imprinted on me, I still hear him and feel him, as if he never went too far. When my youngest was born and they came home for the first time. That day my ex and I had a paranormal experience. My ex noticed it first. Standing next to the crib we could smell my dad's pipe tobacco. My ex had never met my dad so it was even more bizarre that we were both smelling the same thing. I stepped 3-4 feet away from the crib, and the smell was gone, step back in and the smell was there. This lasted for about an hour. It still blows my mind because I am not a spiritual man and ghosts and such are outside of my belief system but here it was. As if he bridged time and space to come and visit his new grandchild. I wasn't alone yesterday in my grief. My uncle passed last week and I know how my Aunt and cousins are feeling. I read many posts yesterday on Facebook, acquaintances reflecting on their fathers who have passed. I miss my kids and the life I had years ago, before the panic attacks, I miss my dad. There is a giant hole in my life that can never be filled or fixed. My Mum is 90 and I am her in-home caretaker. It's going to be so painful when she is gone. I really don't know how I will manage, and if my kids ignore me, I will be truly alone in this world.
Father's Day: Well, here I am on the... - Anxiety and Depre...
Father's Day
I am so sorry for the loss of your father at such a young age. I also deeply admire you for taking care of your mom. I lost my son 2 years ago. He was 32. Life isn’t fair, is it? Wishing you the best.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yet another example of how life isn't fair seeing how young he was!
I'm very sad for your loss and your pain...and your right...I don't think grief ever completely goes away, and holidays are triggers for sure...
I have found myself with grief that the passing of time always helps to ease the pain but doesn't make it go away completely.
You don't say how old your children are, but I believe sometimes they get better at relationships with their parents when they get older. My daughter (28 years old) remembers Mother's Day and Father's Day, but my son, who is 26 years old, remembers about half the time. He is gay and often more caught up in his social life than our family. Although I think he has improved over the years, I know girls grow up faster than boys, so I try not to compare the two.
In private, you could tell each of your kids that it would make you feel so much better if you heard from them on Father's Day. Maybe explaining what you said here would help, especially telling them how it makes you think about your father.
Thank you!
My oldest is going to be 30 in November and she is gay. And my youngest just turned 24, born a girl but actively trans. My youngest actually stays in contact with me thru Facebook, we chat with each other about once a week. I can't ask them for more attention, they have to want to give it, it has to be their idea. One of my many quirks. I can't tell you how many relationships I have walked away from over the years because the other person had to get something in return for being my friend. Love, affection, appreciation, and true friendship should be unconditional
Sometimes you have to communicate your needs to have them met. They're all still pretty young if 30 is your oldest, memes and quick texts are sort of apart of our generation. Everything is brief and to the point a lot of the time, which doesn't translate very well when trying to express fondness, especially to anyone from an older generation who are used to phone calls and full conversations.
From my own experience with my parents, to suddenly start trying to be affectionate and to have it awkwardly shot down hurts more than shooting your shot with someone you think is hot at the bar and getting turned down. Parental rejection hits real deep, even if its something like laughing off how cheesy a statement was. That fear can make a lot of kids not try to do more, especially if at any point in their youth that might have happened unintentionally from their parents.
If you talk to them about it, they might realized they are welcome to and begin to do more. Often if that topic isn't broached and it just goes to a 'natural settling', thats what happens, short calls, meme texts, and a few h ow do you dos. But when my mom wanted to help me cook, she voiced that and when I was abroad, likely once every two weeks or so, we'd face time and she's instruct me through a dish. Now my dad sends me an I love you message every morning. That didn't all just happen naturally, we had to work on that.
I hear you, thank you for the sensible advice
No problem. I'm sure your children cherish you, especially if they've come out as the identities you listed and you still care for them and want contact. That says a lot nowadays.
Growing up as a GEN-X kid I have witnessed firsthand how religion has tortured these poor people. Shaming and stigmatizing people for the way that they were born is evil. Their twisted rules and moral values have distorted the social norms and laws for people who aren't even religious. As a white cisgender guy from the suburbs, it took me years to deprogram the crap that was pumped into my moral values. Fortunately, I was exposed thru work and the internet, to lots of gay people and when my kids came out I was open-minded. as you obviously know, many of my generation aren't enlightened. But I am hopeful that thru things like pride month society can evolve.
I agree with "aWorriedOne" above. First, her statement that says, "Sometimes you have to communicate your needs to have them met." Being male and of my generation, I know you probably don't like showing your emotions easily. Our society has pounded into you guys not to show your feelings, telling men to be stoic. That may be correct with a stranger, but not with your family.
The second thing she says that I liked was, "That didn't all just happen naturally; we had to work on that." I completely agree. Relationships take time, and you do need to work on them to keep them growing, especially with your family.
This younger generation always communicates faster, in more abbreviated ways than we do. My 26-year-old son doesn't use email at all; he may call me only briefly. He puts his phone on voice mail but doesn't pick up any messages someone might leave on his phone, and sometimes doesn't even respond to my text messages. It isn't easy to talk with him, except when I physically see him as he lives with us.
As I read what you wrote it suddenly dawns on me. How Ironic it is that Millennials and Gen-Z are electronically connected like no one else ever, but they seem to be so disconnected. In my 20s I would have to walk or drive for miles to find a pay phone. This generation has the world in their pocket, and they choose to ghost everyone. I get it though IRL is hard and relationships take work
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Struggled yesterday with Father's Day!
My father Sammy
I owe my father $ 30k just because I exist
My Father has dementia and I’m really struggling.
Struggling relationship with mother and as an extention with father
Related Posts
Feelings of pain dealing with the loss.
Day before Yesterday 
Happy days in February?
Having a rough day...Moderation team
