So today I put on a dress and heels. I even did my makeup differently just to go to Barnes and noble to pick up Father’s Day gifts for my family. Only to get to the gas station to realize I had no money to fill up my tank to get home. I felt so defeated. I cried in traffic after I was stranded at the gas station for 30 minutes thinking about who I can call to give me gas.
I’ve been the nice girl my whole life. Quiet afraid of offending. Letting ppl walk all over me. Never voicing my concerns or getting my needs met. Now I’m sick of it, people will literally use you, bully you, mistreat you, and the moment you need someone, just a shoulder to cry on no one is there.
I’m now entering a stage where I feel like because , I’ve been working tirelessly night and day to stay healthy. Both physically and mentally, no one can enter my space without adding value.
It’s so hard to stop the cycle of people pleasing and being to altruistic and to passive. But I have to learn how to set boundaries or I might actually go crazy.
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NylaCAT
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7 Replies
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So what happened so you could get some gas in your car? There’s all this talk about codependency and setting boundaries. It can be very difficult to set boundaries with certain people. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You seem to be a nice and sincere person and that can be a rare person to find sometimes.
I ask one of my guy friends. I’m glad I didn’t have to ask one of my toxic family members. I just wish I had more support. Financially but most importantly emotionally.
Lack of boundaries can cause that.....but so can having them. I fight the feeling i get when I tell someone no very much....working 60 hours minimum a week in a prison at some point i have to say no. but oh the guilt when I do. Just keep being you and the right people will notice....
Boundaries are absolutely essential for me... and at one point in my life I learned I needed to make better choices with who I wanted in my inner circle, and even then, people are people, we all make mistakes, we all screw up....but it's important to me that there is a give and take , a reciprocity in a relationship. If someome's needs are never met...it's either expectations of people are too high, or they are willing to accept too little in return. And it is a fine line of balance, our lives change, and people will come and go, we grow to have different needs and can choose what we are comfortable with giving.
I think sometimes you just give unconditionally without expecting anything in return, giving someone who is a little short of change at the cash register a few quarters to complete a purchase, helping your elderly neighbor out with a chore they can't do at that moment, giving a cup of coffee to a stranger who seems down and out...or a sandwich to a person clearly homeless and in need. Doing things just because you can, they cost you little to nothing, but could mean the world to someone who is in need at the moment, I think it is healing for the heart.
I also believe in being as independent as possible...triple A card so I never had to listen to anyone tell me they were too busy, or had other things to do. I didn't make any big plans with flaky people, and always tried to just do what I was comfortable with, and yet... giving feels good if it's what you want to do. People pleasing is a self-esteem issue I had to get over, I too didn't want to upset anyone or be thought of as selfish. But that's how I was raised, to be manipulated with guilt and disappointment. It just builds resentment, and that's contributes to my depression, so I changed, they didn't, so I moved on.
I think your original question about boundaries is the key...learning to say 'no', when your not comfortable, and knowing anyone who respects you enough will be understanding. It's the ones that don't respect you that will try to guilt trip you or manipulate you. And it's hard to feel good about that being done to you, but those kind of users know what button's to push, so you just learn not to give them any to push by changing who you choose to be around in your life. Users will fade away when we are no longer useful to them, a true friend does not, and would be there for you when they can.
We get treated in life usually how we portray ourselves, if we want to be a victim, there will be plenty lining up to take advantage of that, if we portray ourselves as a nice person but stand our ground on issues of boundaries....we will find people who will respect us for who we are, not what we can do for them.
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