I have a remote job that i really really dislike. And its been 6 month and i am still not able to convince my self that this particular startup deserves me. Or i belong here. Every meeting with co workers is leaving me feeling inferior and cornered. I am experiencing BPD like symptoms and i am easily triggered without any specific trigger.
I am from psychology background and no matter how much i try i always end up feeling sad for other people's pain and detachment never really happens. During my internship too, i was exposed to so much trauma related information that now even when i don't want to be around any trauma, my amygdala gets triggered (at workplace) and i behave impulsively in an attempt to let go all the emotional pain that is still there suppressed.
I have skills (e.g critical thinking and detail oriented) that this startup needs and wants but when i present my ideas they are rejected (because they are too divergent or to them it feels like i am going aginst their philosophy) And this kind of ridicule/ rejection happens in front of other team members often. Recently in one meeting i was feeling so unsafe and anxious (because of personal comment from their side on my perfectionistic tendencies and lack of detachment skills) that i lashed out at my manager in an attempt to save my fragile/unstable self worth, and later posted written complaints .
I thought what i did was although impulsive but good, later asked for forgiveness too but the consequence of that impulsive action is that now i won't be getting any appraisal, and they didn't reply to my query when i asked on what basis others are getting appraisal and i am not.
I am feeling so depressed, having thoughts of self harm to deal with the recent episode of public humiliation and getting no appraisal even when i contributed a lot and i deserve appraisal. I can't leave this job because my family won't let me sit at home unemployed. Because we are lower middle class.. And i have no good reason to continue this job where efforts remains unappreciated.
Please tell me what should i do?