Impulsivity and depression

[Username1114]

I have a remote job that i really really dislike. And its been 6 month and i am still not able to convince my self that this particular startup deserves me. Or i belong here. Every meeting with co workers is leaving me feeling inferior and cornered. I am experiencing BPD like symptoms and i am easily triggered without any specific trigger.

I am from psychology background and no matter how much i try i always end up feeling sad for other people's pain and detachment never really happens. During my internship too, i was exposed to so much trauma related information that now even when i don't want to be around any trauma, my amygdala gets triggered (at workplace) and i behave impulsively in an attempt to let go all the emotional pain that is still there suppressed.

I have skills (e.g critical thinking and detail oriented) that this startup needs and wants but when i present my ideas they are rejected (because they are too divergent or to them it feels like i am going aginst their philosophy) And this kind of ridicule/ rejection happens in front of other team members often. Recently in one meeting i was feeling so unsafe and anxious (because of personal comment from their side on my perfectionistic tendencies and lack of detachment skills) that i lashed out at my manager in an attempt to save my fragile/unstable self worth, and later posted written complaints .

I thought what i did was although impulsive but good, later asked for forgiveness too but the consequence of that impulsive action is that now i won't be getting any appraisal, and they didn't reply to my query when i asked on what basis others are getting appraisal and i am not.

I am feeling so depressed, having thoughts of self harm to deal with the recent episode of public humiliation and getting no appraisal even when i contributed a lot and i deserve appraisal. I can't leave this job because my family won't let me sit at home unemployed. Because we are lower middle class.. And i have no good reason to continue this job where efforts remains unappreciated.

Please tell me what should i do?

[Lightswitch]

Can not tell you what to do. I can listen. I can ask. Are there other jobs in the same field of skill that you could look into? Your family wants you to work and share your skills, it may just not be the right fit at that company. While you were embarrassed at work has there been any positives about the job or interactions? Let me know if you just want to chat. I am sorry that your feeling that your ideas get rejected everytime.

[Kinlay]

My first question is, are you seeing a therapist? My second is are you currently taking any medication? If the answer to either or both is no, I think you should immediately seek help. The proper medication and treatment can be life-changing. If you are already doing those things, I would reach out to your psychiatrist about increasing and/or changing your meds as they currently aren't enough to help you. Hang in there - it can take a while to find the right treatment.