The duality of knowing and feeling...

[RupertBrown]

I've been listening to that song "Hi Ren" a lot the last few days. Maybe I shouldn't be, I don't know. For those unfamiliar it's a brutally honest look at that internal dialogue we all have with our inner critic, and the artist's struggle to manage his mental health. In the context of my life recently, it's gotten me thinking. I know I need to "relax" and to "soften". I know I'll never fully silence that critic. But I don't feel it and if that's the case, how do I move forward? I've pretty much exhausted all of my coping mechanisms. They don't work as well when you can see right through them. Which has opened the door for frustration, and that's usually where the spiral starts. I've been here for days and I don't have a mechanism for this place I find myself in. My default has just been to go numb, go on autopilot. Wall it all off and box it out. Yet, I'm self aware enough to know how that story ends. What do you do when you know what's right, but don't feel it? What do you do when distractions don't work. When all your coping mechanisms, the things you've relied on for years to get by, just seem like empty gestures? Where do you go when all the ways forward you can see don't lead anywhere? I know not to give in to despair, not to surrender. But I can't feel it.

[Nothing_but_books]

Hi Rupert. First, I didn't know the song, so I went to YouTube and had a listen. Holy s**t!

Well. I can't say if you ought to be listening regularly, it's very powerful. It beat me up. I'm going to be thinking about it a while.

Is it rude for me to say maybe you think too much? Have you heard it before? (I know I have.) You're a really smart guy, and maybe it's not serving you here.

I don't think we move forward, thinking out the whole plan and mapping out the course. I had a Calculus teacher go after me about just that once. He darn near told me to take it on faith and step into the abyss. Boy I hate that feeling. I want to control everything. But the world doesn't work that way.

Do you know me enough to know just how much this isn't me? I'm going to say it anyway: Step forward in faith.

We'll be here when you fall. I'm rooting for you.

When you get there, reach out a hand. I'm struggling too.

[RupertBrown in reply to Nothing_but_books]

It should have occurred to me that people would listen to the song. I should have added a warning. It's powerful and it's moving and it's raw and honest. And it got me thinking... too much apparently. I've been told I do that my whole life. I do know you well enough that your statement is out of character, and that is striking. Thanks for the encouragment and moreso for your honesty, something that is in short supply inside my head these days. As for your last sentence: if I ever get there, I will.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to RupertBrown]

Meanwhile, I enjoy sharing the journey. I like your company.

[Boston001]

Wow! Thanks for sharing this.

I turned on the close captioning and let the poetry of this so very young man with his so very old soul wash over me for the first time. In this human world, so much creative beauty comes from inner pain and struggle. Freud's Id, ego, and superego playing out in real time, in consort with an acoustic guitar

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Boston001]

I did just the opposite. I respond to words, so I started with the lyrics. His performance was so compelling I dropped the lyrics and sat, mesmerized. It was a bumpy ride.

[RupertBrown in reply to Boston001]

I kept seeing this video in my YouTube suggestions, for what seemed like weeks. Finally checked it out the other day and, as usual, immediately became obsessed and began overthinking. It's definitely part of a bigger pattern. I guess with the way life has been lately I was bound to find something new to fixate on. I love how the song goes to the darkest places before lifting the listener up high at the end. This artist is inspirational in a way you don't see often.

[Boston001]

I'm going to echo part of what NBP said, but my words. You seem like a very intelligent person, and in order for a lot of coping strategies that therapists and self-help books try to teach us, you have to drink the cool-aid, you have to become a true believer for it to work. But intelligent people tend to be resistant to suggestive programming. I personally find Box Breathing to be effective in regulating my anxiety and panic tendencies, but that's only because of belief/it feels like it's doing something. For me, there is no magic pill or guru therapist with all the answers, but I find a little improvement is better than none at all.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Boston001]

The shock of what you wrote took my breath away. I couldn't read another word, my mind froze and I went into protect mode. Once I started back breathing, I continued, and boy have you got a point. I've never seen it expressed so clearly.

[Marysblue]

Thanks for sharing about this video I didn't know about it. Very moving. I am so aware of the voices in my head.. depression tells me that I'm not good enough, that nobody cares , that my life is awful all the while anxiety is telling me to hurry up, times running out, think about the next thing, don't enjoy what you're doing now. These can be relentless at times. When I'm not depressed, anxious they go away.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Marysblue]

It's hysterical, you put it just right.

I've got a voice reminding what a loser I am. A voice ranting how much I need to do. A voice whining how sorry I feel for myself. A real sweetheart of a voice telling them all to shut up. If this was a movie, I'm pretty sure it'd be a comedy.

It's a miracle you have times you're not harangued. I sure wish I did.

[RupertBrown in reply to Marysblue]

"...don't enjoy what you're doing now." You hit the nail on the head there. It's just so exhausting, trying not to let that voice take over the conversation. Sometimes you just don't have the energy. Hell, sometimes I don't even have the energy to forgive myself for not having the energy. I guess we just have to pick ouselves up and try again the next day. While I'm not glad, it's nice to know others can relate. Thank you.

[primrose81]

I can relate very much to what you said and it helps to know so many people on here feel the same. Thank you.

[RupertBrown in reply to primrose81]

Thanks, it does help knowing there are others going through the same thing. At least we know we're not alone. When we're feeling bleak even small comforts can help.

[Marysblue]

Have you heard Jason Isbel song, Anxiety?

[downinthecrud in reply to Marysblue]

I have. Big Isbell fan here. Have you seen his documentary on HBO?

[Marysblue in reply to downinthecrud]

No..I will look for it. thanks

[Hidden]

I tried to look it up and listen to it, I couldn’t do it!!! I think I’ve become hypersensitive to so much stuff that’s out there. Even though I’m a woman, the very beginning reminded me of myself. A long time ago when I was 16, I was in a psychiatric ward playing stuff on my guitar. These days the psyche wards have become so much like prisons a lot of them probably wouldn’t even let anyone have a guitar. So yeah, I couldn’t watch it.

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

It's okay. I should have included a warning of some kind, the imagery could be triggering and the lyrics are pretty intense. The song wasn't really the point anyway. It just got me thinking, but not in a good way I guess. I wanted to reply to your post, but I'm not in much of a position to help anyone right now. Thoughts are scattered, and none of them are my friends. Trying to just ride it out, but its exhausting nonetheless. Most days lately I struggle to make it through the day in one piece and just look forward to the end of the day. It was nice hearing from you, hopefully things improve for us sooner rather than later!