Whats going on with me??

[grab0001]

So ive struggled with depression and anxiety all my life and its nothing new that I have highs and lows when it comes to being social and hanging out with friends. But some recent life events are that me and my boyfriend broke up after a serious relationship which is a whole story in and of itself and has left me feeling completely broken as well as having to put my childhood dog down and dealing with family drama. So just things that everyone will experience in life but still things that caused my depression to skirocket. WIth this I DOVE into my friendships. I have never been someone to cut off contact when I get into a relationship but by what I mean by diving in is hanging out with frineds twenty four seven, going to weddings, bachelorette parites, new experiences, going out going to mueseums, rage rooms, casinos, bike bars, winerys, visiting friends who live hors away, flying back to new york, hiking with them, whatever it is name it and I have done it with these friends the past couple of months. I also dove into making new friends since me and my ex share the same circle of friends. With that its been great but its also been alot.

Im not a reserved person by anymeans by I am someone who loves and enjoys comfortable silence and just being in the moment and a lot of my friends are people who cannot handle spending time with themselves or who LOVEEEEEEEE to talk. SInce I've been socially burnt out from going on this big ole extraveganza i've found myself having to bite my tongue and not losing it on my frieds because I feel overstimulated now even though they did nothing wrong. But I just wantto scream "Cant i just have one moment to myself please?!? Is that so much to ask!?" But I dont because that wouldn't be fair to them.

So basically in the title I put am I overstimulated or understimulated and I say this because yea when my friends are constanlty blowing up my phone or constantly talking my ear off or wont let me just have a meal to myself and watch my favorite tv show I get incredbly irritated and also because I know I cant just distract my feelings and I havent also had time to sit with my feeling and heal. But on the otherhand ive noticed if my friends ask me to just hang out and watch tv or play video games im lke "oh dear God no, anything but us just sitting around because I can do that by myself and i WANT TO DO THAT BY MYSELF" (no i never actually say that to them) but if someone asks me to go out or go do something or go on a hike im like yes please which is odd because I use to just love to be able to sit around with my friends and just chat and do whatever but its like now doing that makes my skin crawl and I dont know whats wrong with me. Maybe its because me and alot of my friends are different when it comes to outgoingness and we arent just sitting and chilling and instead i have to watch what they want and listne to them talk through a whole movie or about thier relationship trouble when im just trying to process my own first before I help others with theres (selfish I know Im not proud of it). I dont know I just feel conflicted and irritated all the time and i dont know how to make it stop.

PSA: my friends have been great to me and im beyond grateful for them which is why im so upset with myself for being so irritated with them.

[TangledUpIn]

Cherish your "good" friends because as you get older friends move away, or just drop out of your life. Maybe you should downsize your circle of friends so you'll have fewer people pulling on you. But trust me as a wise older woman when I tell you having too many friends is not a bad problem to have😙