Okay so this is long, sorry, but I need to get this out.
So, for backstory: I'm a teacher. Not certified yet, but have been long term subbing in the same second grade classroom for 2 months going on 3. They're mostly a good bunch, lots of energy, big personalities, some of them very high needs emotionally. There's one kid in particular who has major behavioral issues and I've been running myself ragged trying to mitigate them and trying to help him succeed while still teaching the rest of the class.
We had a professional development before spring break going over out ALICE training- that's our protocol for an active shooter/dangerous situation (alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate). And when we go over the training, we're always assuming that the threat will be outside our classrooms. Some stranger coming in from outside, roaming the halls. After the incident in Virginia where a six year old pulled a gun out of his backpack and shot his teacher, I felt compelled to ask about best practice when the threat reveals itself IN the classroom. I was hoping for some guidance beyond yelling "HIT THE DECK" and trying to neutralize the threat myself.
I was told that that was a nightmare situation (obviously) and that the only thing I can do there is trust my instincts. Get the kids out of the room, throw myself at the child with the gun, accept that I might get shot on the way- basically, nothing I hadn't thought of.
Anyway I just sent myself spiraling as I imagined that one kid with the behavior problems bringing a weapon into my classroom. I could just imagine him not thinking it was real, or even knowing it was real but not intending to hurt anyone or knowing how to handle it safely. I imagined the panic, sending my kids into the hallway and to the nearest classrooms so they could alert someone while I got the weapon from the kid. I imagined getting hurt. And I imagined this kid, this kid who is not a bad kid, hurting me and having the reality hit him and breaking down sobbing, and the terror of facing the police... I can easily see him trying to hurt himself after. And I broke my own heart imagining what he would go through, what the other kids would go through, not to mention my own possible injury and now I'm just really upset.
TL;DR: I imagined a bad situation at work too hard and now I'm actually upset and struggling to come back from it. Could use happy thoughts and/or advice, even if it's just practical walking through the situation.
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TiredlyTeaching
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It seems that you have remarkable powers of visualization, and also remarkably powerful feelings of empathy. (I am much the same, and I've met our chatted online with other neurodivergent people who are similarly gifted.)
You have a tremendously good heart, to empathize with the problem student in the scenario, but is shows that you have the mark of valor within you, to recognize what actions you might have to take, even faced with the possibility that you might be harmed in doing so.
Perhaps you are prone to experiencing anxiety. (I know that I am! I've imagined disasters, from small accidents to great cataclysms, and can get stuck hyperfocused on the very unlikely to virtually impossible scenarios that I've imagined. Thankfully, it doesn't happen as often as when I was younger. And the only scenario that's come true was a car accident, that I only got a small injury from, and while my car got banged up, it still drives well.)
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If you had actually gone though a traumatic event, like you imagined, then it would be best to get therapy or counseling support. If you feel that you need professional help to process this nightmare scenario, then I most certainly encourage you to get the help that you need. It would not help you or your students for you to be paralyzed by simply visualizing such a fearful situation.
I know that there are various therapeutic techniques which might be used to process this, particularly what's used as trauma therapy, such as one called "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy" (ACT). Though I haven't had to go though any kind of trauma therapy, thankfully, it's good to know that it exists.
I have done Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, while in counseling too deal with marital issues and going through divorce (an episode in my life which was traumatic to me, but definitely not on the same level as the nightmare scenario you envisioned of an armed assault in the classroom). The counselor who helped me taught me a grounding technique which helped me "get out of my head" and turn my focus to the real world around me. It is referred to as the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, and it works like this:
* Name 5 things that you can see around you
* Name 4 things that you can hear
* Name 3 things that you can touch
* Name 2 things that you can smell
* Name 1 thing that you can taste
The counselor instructed me to practice this several times a day for several weeks, and to practice it occasionally thereafter. The reason for the practice is to develop the skill like developing a muscle... by training it. That would help me to have the skill to use when I need it. (It's worked, but I got out of practice, so I think I need to retrain myself in this and similar mindfulness techniques.)
(It's okay to change up the order. I've heard two different orders for the senses in this same exercise.)
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This is just one technique. I'm sore that there are many which have been developed, but I only know a few. (e.g. Box Breathing, Progressive Relaxation, Breath Awareness)
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Mindfulness techniques like this can disrupt the intrusive thoughts which are bothering you, and help you to return your focus on the real world around you. However, you may still need help with processing the emotions that you were feeling, and that's why I mentioned "trauma therapy", such as ACT.
I am a teacher too. I’m in an urban high school and have some of the same fears as you. Very few people outside of my school can understand what it is like to go through active shooter drills. Depending on my mood at the moment, when we have drills, they can be tough especially when you let yourself think for a minute “What if this was real?”
I’m lucky this year that I have a pretty good relationship with the majority of my students. My concerns this year are what goes on in the hallways. It’s like what I would imagine an old horror movie mental institution to be; screaming, yelling, swearing, fighting. I have to focus on what I can (attempt to) control, my own classroom. I always keep my door locked, have something in it to keep it ajar so that I can close it quickly. In my situation, there is a greater chance that two students could have a fight and one ends up having a weapon. When fights happen, I shut my door and let security handle it, they are trained for that.
I think you need to try to stop yourself from worrying about the aftermath. Easier said than done, I know. They say the students who act out the most, often need us the most. I’m not 100% sure that is accurate. Some people are just full of hate. I am not afraid of any of my students, but I know when to give them their space and when to call in the school psychologist. The stories that we hear on the news are not the entire story. When we hear them or read about them, I think we unintentionally add in our own details that are pertinent to our own lives which makes it more real.
In my case I don’t have any emotional support at home to process the effects of these drills. I hope you have someone that you can vent to at your school.
Sorry if this appears to be rambling. I just thought it was helpful for you to know that there was another teacher on this forum that thinks about these things too.
I also teach, formerly in the classroom and now in a large, often crowded, museum setting. I also think about these concerns and successfully advocated to get training for educators from our security team.
Unfortunately the training was scheduled on a day I was out of town. I had to come to terms with my anxiety in order to continue to work in this setting.
The way I did this was to internalize that the statistics of something severe happening to me and my students is very low. Also the news tends to focus on the most rare and extreme situations. Most of life is pretty common and redundant.
I also take heart knowing ADHD uniquely puts us in a great mind frame during adrenaline fueled emergencies.
The fact that you are concerned for your students is big hearted. You’re not just worried for yourself.
People are more good than bad. It’s tempting to focus on the negative but the good far outweighs the bad.
I'm a retired teacher and I am sad that you and your students have to contend with violence the way we used to do fire drills. It's not fair and I don't have an answer for you. But I can see that you will need help creating boundaries to protect yourself. Now that you have explored the worst that could happen, it might be time to practice your "super hero" persona. This may sound silly, but what if when you enter the school campus, you imagined putting on a powerful suit that renders you invincible and enables you to help your students escape danger? Sorry, if this sounds pollyanna, but visualization is a powerful tool. And remember, you are a super hero, as well as loving and compassionate. Your students are lucky to have you. You are much stronger than you think. 🥰
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