Here i am struggling over 100 things -sis, mom, dad, uni, my health, finding a job. And a person from my past popped up

[Against_the_current]

I thought they were going to help but made it worse. Why do i seek reassure so desperately that i find more triggers? Im so stupid. And they said i have gotten fatter since the last time 😭

[SoporRose]

You seek reassurance because we ALL need reassurance and you grew up with so little support and kindness that you are desperate for it. You are human.

Your acquaintance’s comment about your weight was just nasty. I have no idea if you’re really overweight or not (if it helps, I certainly am. I should be about sixty-five pounds lighter to be at a “healthy” weight), but that has no bearing on your value, your intelligence, nor your beauty. None.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. For real it was a dirty hit. And for even realer i am in my right to need support so bad and im just harmed more. Only here, and not always, i can get some

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

"Dirty hit" — that's the perfect expression for it. I was just reading an article about an award-winning Canadian TV journalist who got fired because she let her go grey. It's really deplorable how much we care about appearances and how narrow our standard of beauty is.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Especially when i don't even know how im alive. Mom's drinking now, im panicking. I was thinking about spending more time with her and sis but now i just think i should go back tomorrow. Idk. Im just making panic desisions. And another friend - i asked him to watch a movie he would like and he said he can't because of broken bones. I didn't invite him to ride a bike or go mountain hiking. Insane people here. I just need support. Im scared

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I think you should go home as soon as you can, especially if your mom is drinking. Will staying longer help your sister? That would be the only reason to stay, but you have to weigh that possibility against the damage starting will do you and how much that will impair your ability to manage your heavy class load and intense school work as well as the effect on your health. I just keep thinking the best way to help your sister is to get yourself as well as you can and get into a job path so you can pay your own bills and put yourself in a position to help your sister when she can leave home.

I do have some sympathy for your friend who doesn’t feel up for watching a movie. If he’s in pain, it can be hard to focus on a flick and another person. I think you understand how difficult it can be to manage pain and anything else. I hope you won’t give up on him. (Is this the friend who jumped?)

But understanding his situation doesn’t help you get the support you need. Do you have any extended family members — cousins, aunts, uncles — with whom you stay for a while after you graduate to get a break and get away from your mom and dad?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

As i read i should get back, it's just that this place is really tiny and lonely and i have to take care of myself and im indesisive. It's the same friend. I think I should just give up on him, he doesn't want me. Probably most of my "friends" too. Never want to go out

I don't think I have an extended family member to ask to stay so i can rest for an year. Everyone is telling me that i can't study anymore but i have no better opinion. I still don't know what i will do when i finish and have to take care of myself

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Decision fatigue makes navigating life really complicated. Has your mom sobered up? If she has, then maybe staying another day would be help. Would that give you more time with your sister? Did you get to celebrate with her? Did she have fun? Did you?

If staying longer will feed your soul, then stay! If you're feeling cared for at home, then that's great.

As for your friend, he's suffering physically and psychologically. He's probably also feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment right now as well as whatever despair led him to jump and he'll likely continue to feel that way for quite a while. If you have it in you to stand by him, I hope you'll do so. It would be a good deed. But I doubt he'll have any support to offer you for a year or so. Just my guess.

Do you have any family with whom you could stay for even a month? Even that much of a break might help your spirit to calm and heal a bit. Studying and finding your focus right now must be difficult indeed, but I believe you can finish. As you say, it's your best option now and will give you more options in the future. And of that professor is willing to help you out, that could lead to a job or a scholarship or who knows what? None of it will easy and a lot will be or feel unfair, but I still have faith in you.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you a lot. Yeah, i really need some care and some human connection, unfortunately no relatives or friends to stay with. Mom was acting better and that's why I said i will stay more but she started drinking again and repeating herself. In the morning i want to stay, in the evening i want to immediately go. It's terrible. And thanks for explaining about my friend, i thought he rejected me

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I don’t know how you stay upright when your mom keeps pulling the carpet out from under you. You are so strong. It may not feel that way to you, but that’s how it looks to me.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you, i needed this

[catsrock]

What a rude person to make comments about your weight! We all want reassurance and support. I hope you find what you need by sharing here.

[Against_the_current in reply to catsrock]

Thank you

[DropOfSunshine]

In case it helps, I have also looked for reassurance in the wrong places when I was feeling anxious and desperately lonely. And it just made it worse. So you re not alone, needing reassurance is human and sometimes when we dont know who to turn to we panick and sometimes choose the wrong people. Especially when you dont have many people, or many good people, to turn to. Im familiar with that feeling, you re not alone

[Against_the_current in reply to DropOfSunshine]

Thank you for letting me know im not alone. I was on a guilt trip. I just needed support and i didn't have family or friends

[DropOfSunshine in reply to Against_the_current]

I beat myself up all the time about decisions Ive made, especially decisions to trust in the wrong people or befriend the wrong people or overlooking the right people. Guilt is another feeling i know well so no, you are not alone. My therapist refers to this thing called "our window of tolerance". When something stresses you out, it makes you panick and you are no longer within the window of things you can tolerate, you lose control of yourself and you lose sight of what you want and what you need truly. The anxiety takes over and your actions are a reaction to that anxiety and panick, they are an attempt to reassure yourself. So in those moments we might do things because we are very anxious, things that we might not have done had we been calmer,simply because the anxiety is so bad we would do anything we can to try and feel better. The choices we make in those moments are not always our best. Especially when we dont have very good options to begin with. That explanation has helped me a lot. Its helped me understand myself better and beat myself up a little less.

[Against_the_current in reply to DropOfSunshine]

Yeah. When we're in panic mode, the prefrontal cortex doesn't work. Our brains are just trying to survive and people take advantage of that and other people shame us for trusting and this critics internalise and we shame ourselves. When we just needed help