dominos.....

[existentiallybroken]

I fell yesterday. It happened so fast. I remember seeing the floor coming up to my face and something keeping my left hand from being able to get in front of me to help break my fall so as to keep my face and brain from smashing onto the concrete floor. I felt my left ankle roll, both of my knees slam down with my left one twisting to add a little burn to that bruise and both of my wrists were bent back further than ever before and with all my weight slamming down on them at once. I must have screamed on the way down because my throat felt raw and i could feel my dogs in the garage sniffing my hair. I lay on the freezing cold, hard concrete floor in this awful pain for a few minutes just focusing on breathing before I went ahead and moved each area that hurt individually to assess what to do next.

I had managed to slip off of this stupid, pointless, deathtrap of a 2 inch step up to the laundry area of our garage. All because my husband has not put the stupid christmas crap back up so he has left it sprawled all over our garage and in going aroudn some, I managed to get my shoe over the lip and rolled my ankle, lost my balance, fall with the laundry basket handle in my left hand and was between the washing machine, a shelving unit and a tool bench. So, legs down this stupid deathtrap step, left knee cap actually hit that ledge though, right hand under my face, left hand around hamper handle but also under washing machine. Skinned my left hand up pretty badly under the washer, both knees and left ankle are pretty colors today, neck and left shoulxder are incredibly sore but also feel like fire inside my shoulder when i move it, lower back and left hip are killing me.

I found myself in a small "U" shaped space with 2 large dogs standing over me sniffing my head to see if I am alive. My husband is at work 50 miles away. I know I have a greocery order being delivered in a few minutes so maybe if I can manage to hear them pull up I can yell for help and they can call 911 for me? But no, I could move things, I can get through this. And I did. My husband was mad that I would not go to an emergency room last night, but I jusgt can't get myself to leave my house most of the time now.

The medicines I have been put on for anxiety and depression exacerbate my vertigo, but the meds for migraines might help with that or could make it worse, everyone is different so try it anyway, which somehow triggered my body to retain fluid in my legs and the edema meds lower my potassium, so that was added too. Now I am more clumsy and dumb than if I was just sick. Because I take meds for symptoms, but those cause other symptoms, so I take meds for those, and.......well, dominos. I fell. Alone. I am hurting all over. I am so frustrated that this is what my life looks like at 38. I feel like I am 98 most days. Maybe I will get lucky and this fall cause internal dominos. Hairline fractures, compartment syndromes, sepsis, the end game. Who knows? Anyway, thanks for reading this brain spill of mine. If you have any tiger balm or good pain killers, feel free to pass them over to me.