do you ever get so upset that...

[orangesmiths]

do you ever get so upset that you just turn your brain off? you shut down your heart and your thoughts and nothing matters anymore. You don't eat, don't drink, don't brush your teeth or change your clothes. You just sit in the dark attached to your phone scrolling endlessly through any social media app. Your stomach growls and groans at you, but you ignore it. You have to pee, but you don't get up. You're so thirsty but you don't drink water. Your eyes hurt so bad from crying, but you can't stop. I'm back to where I was, except I feel absolutely nothing. I feel like a lifeless being just occupying space temporarily. No feelings of guilt or remorse or shame, no feelings of regret, anger, or sadness. Just nothing. I feel I have no chance to fix anything. What if I really did ruin everything for everyone? I've been doing intense thinking, really tracing back my actions and how every single traumatic event that happened was because of me. I say something and then things escalate and sht goes South real fast. Every single time. so I'm definitely the problem .

[existentiallybroken]

You are not the problem. A world of loud, self centered, needy, egocentric arseholes and all of their enablers is the problem.

And yes, I feel nothing and do nothing, just as you described, every once in a while since I was a teenager. This bout has been going on for about 2 years now though. I don't even want to get better because the idea of trying to do life again now is so very daunting that I'd rather fester in my own filth and die of dehydration while staring at a wall.

[orangesmiths in reply to existentiallybroken]

it's extremely difficult trying this whole life thing. it's painful knowing that the only way I can have a "successful" life is by complying to the societal rules and demands of capitalism. it's fcked up how the world is and I so badly don't even want to be a part of it. thank you for your reply, it really helped me feel less alone in this because when I describe how I feel, I'm looked at like I'm crazy .