an explosion.

[orangesmiths]

so, things were going fine but I could still feel the constant tension in my house. The high emotions, the rage everyone is keeping inside. my hopelessness growing into a monster taking over my body. none of this would have happened if I had just kept my mouth shut. TW: I'm going to describe a series of events that happened from my point of view that's pretty traumatizing. I will preface this by saying nothing could have prepared anyone for what happened yesterday. just another day, I wake up feeling miserable and tired but I'm slowly working myself into a routine. I'm still searching for reasons to keep living. I'm unemployed and I've been searching for work because I hate feeling like I'm sitting around doing nothing and getting everything handed to me. I work for everything I want in my life and it's always been that way so being unemployed makes me feel like I'm failure to my parents and that I'm not a good role model for my siblings. I've been submitting job applications everyday and calling each establishment, really putting in as much effort as I can but still nothing. I finally found a job that's local and it seems interesting enough. Personally, I fear that I won't be able to commit to such a job because it's the starting point in a career that I know isn't for me. I digress. I got a phone call from this company and I rushed to a part of my house where it's sorta quiet. "Do you have time for a quick phone interview?" Sure of course. (Im sweating profusely and I'm terrified I might mess this opportunity up.) I get through the phone interview and the manager is interested in seeing me in person. This is great, I finally feel accomplished after weeks of coming up empty handed. I go to the dining room so I could tell my dad about what's going on, so I could try and explain to him how proud I felt that I'm finally taking the necessary steps to better myself. I could tell he was happy for me, he offered some advice and words of encouragement. Okay cool, we're having a conversation. Now my sister jumps in. I know that all she wanted to do was help and be nice to me, however I could barely get a word out about what I was saying. She continued to speak over me, interrupt me and assert herself over me and dominate the conversation. So I told her, "I don't like when you cut me off while I'm trying to talk. " she didn't like that. She goes into defense mode. But I kept pushing, "you always do this when I try to have a conversation with anyone in this house, you just have to jump in and say something to get involved. Please just let me speak." (Mistake number one) She went on to explain how she has more experience than I do with job interviews and that she took classes in order to secure jobs. That didn't matter to me and I didn't want to hear it. I already have trouble communicating verbally with anyone at all so it takes me longer than most to finish my thoughts and say what I want to say. "I don't care, I'm trying to tell you how I feel but you keep talking over me." "no YOURE talking over ME, I'm trying to help but obviously-" I stopped listening. I couldn't listen to this sht AGAIN. Every time someone tries to express how they feel hurt or uncomfortable by something my sister says to them or how she communicates, it's OUR fault. She even says so herself and I quote, "I am not responsible for how you feel about me, it's not my job." Great, I agree. You are absolutely right. You're missing the point though. I am expressing how I feel and you spin it around so quickly on me so that you don't have to take blame for anything you say or do. That's why I don't speak up. I'm afraid of this happening over and over again with her. With both of my older sisters. I understand they've been clinically diagnosed with bipolar, BPD, all types of diagnoses so I know it's not their fault. But it's insanely frustrating trying to communicate my feelings because unfortunately due to the trauma they've endured, it has altered their brain chemistry and the way they react to anything that could be triggering to them. My sister feels that anytime someone disagrees with her it's a personal attack. It's so fcking hard to navigate my life around hers to make her feel comfortable. Do you know how painful it is to sleep 10 feet away from someone when they have told you in the past "you are not my sister" ? I could go on and on about how living with a narcissistic person is literally draining my life. I love my sister more than anything, but I have serious doubts she feels the same about me. For as long as I can remember, she would yell and scream at me and say she hated me. She would break anything that belonged to me that symbolized an accomplishment I earned. Knowing all this in my head, I started to become intensely defensive. I shouted, I screamed, I cried. She sat smiling and laughing calling me crazy. I know that's a tactic narcs use to make themselves look better in comparison to the one expressing how they feel. My dad jumps in, now I can feel it. The dynamite is being loaded up. From my point of view, I already know how this fight is going to end. I don't even want to say what happened because it hurts so much. I'm shaking trying to write this. I know where I went wrong, screaming at her and cursing really loud. Getting irrationally angry. But it's our fault. It's my fault. She's screaming and crying and shaking and on the verge of throwing up. It's about her now. IM the one who ruined her day. IM the one with the issues. IM the one who causes all the problems. This is why I don't say anything. I shouldn't even be here because I ruin everything. Things were fine, nobody was fighting. Nobody was fighting. If I weren't there, none of that would have happened. If I'd just kept my mouth shut and let her win that stupid conversation none of that would have happened. If I had just kept avoiding confrontation, I wouldn't want to d1e right now. I nearly broke my parents up. I don't think my parents love each other anymore but they're only staying together because of our situation. It's too much. I ruined everything. I ruined everything. I caused the explosion. Shouting, screaming, crying. I started ripping my hair out from the roots. I had never done that before. I used to dig my fingers into my palms so hard that I could barely feel my fingertips. My fight or flight response is always flight because I know if I stay I could get ugly and hurt someone. I don't want that. I don't want any of this. Why do I have to live this constant hell every day. The tension is so thick that I'm choking everyday. It hurts so much I just need this pain to stop. I shouldn't have even said anything about how I felt because I knew it wouldn't matter anyway. I knew deep down it would cause so much distress, so much. Too much. I often think about how things would be different if I simply weren't born. Would my family be happier? Would my family have healthier coping mechanisms for their problems? Would my family be in a happier place? I would hope so. That's all I ever want. I just want my family to be happy and if that means without me then so be it.

[Hidden]

I'm proud of you for getting an interview 😊👍. You can do this. Next time, maybe just keep good news to yourself or go out for a walk with your Dad and tell him privately. I know this feels like the end of the world now, but all you did was fall back into an old family pattern. No real harm done. You'll do better next time. P.S. Do you have an aunt or grandparent you can move in with? Less drama would be very restful! Good luck with your interview!

[existentiallybroken]

Reading this brought me to tears. I felt as though I was reading from one of my old journals from when I lived with my family. I have an older sister who needs the spotlight at all times and accepts no responsibility for anything. She used to do things to hurt me and then I would be told to stop tattling on her. She broke my collar bone, 3 vertebrae and a few others before I was even 13. All I was told (other than to stop whining) was to hit her back. I never could do that because I knew it hurt and I do not want to hurt anyone. That is not in my nature. My sister would take my things to her friends as gifts, spread rumors about me at school, hide my stuff from me and then when I was sad, she tried to comfort me. It made me sick to my stomach and I would yell at her to stop touching me and that got me in trouble for being a brat. I. Feel. You. The best advice I have found for coping with this has come from watching doctor ramani on youtube. She does daily videos about narcs and there are so many things that you can do while you live in close quarters to avoid confrontation but win in a way that only you and her will know. It will chap her buns but also teach her to stop bullying you as you are not an easy target anymore. I sincerely hope that you land this job and can find some resolution to be more comfortable in your own home. You are definitely experiencing trauma and if you can get a therapist, please do. Work this out sooner rather than later in life. 🤗

[Midori]

You have made a start, I hope your interview goes well. if you get the job, it doesn't matter if it's not what you want to do, use it as a stepping stone to another one. It is always easier to get a new job, if you are already in one, you have more value to an employer, as they see you have a work ethic.

And tell your Dad privately, when your sister isn't around. Don't give your sister ammunition so she can destroy your feelings of self worth.

Cheers, Midori