My Dad has dementia and does really inappropriate things around me

[RueSews97]

Hello. Hope everyone is surviving the holidays. I'm on here because I'm sad and I don't know what to do anymore.

I see my Dad when I can. He has FTD, early onset Alzheimers, and bipolar. I'm home for the holidays and my mother lives close to where he lives. When we got here and drove out with my mom to see him, he was manic, off his meds, full of bed bugs, and he hadn't eaten or slept in days.

We took him to the hospital since he seemed totally deranged. They gave him meds and quickly discharged him. He has a criminal history, so we can't put him in a nursing home. The best we can do right now is get him in a group home.

I also call with him every day for 1.5 hours. We read a lot (today we were reading about the Trojan War). I have a subscription to Britannica which really helps since the information they provide is so good. I was reading aloud for a while and when I stopped to ask him a question, I realized he was jacking off. I didn't ask him if he had been doing that because he will get upset but his speech was slurred and he was really out of breath. Its something that has happened before and I had wondered about and now I am sure that is what he is doing. I asked what he was doing and he said he was "lying down."

He thinks I don't know, so that helps me deal with it. But it is very hard to deal with and it ruined my Christmas. It's hard to keep everything under control. I told my mom but her method of coping is to dissociate so she doesn't do or even say anything. I get the sense that she wishes I hadn't told her. I don't tell my sister because she will get mad at him and well he is sick.

I just don't feel safe or like I have options. If I don't talk to him pretty much every day, he flies off the handle and does something insane like send me 100s of emails or stops his meds, etc. When he does go off his meds, his inappropriateness towards me and my sister gets very bad. Last time, he maniacally justified incest to us before we could get him to the hospital and away from us.

I just feel too young (25) to deal with this and I don't know what to do anymore. I got PTSD in college and I worked so hard for 2 years to heal from that and now I'm just back in such survival mode. I go to school out of state and my insurance I am on under my mom doesn't reach there so I can't get therapy.

My boyfriend is great but I can only talk about how my Dad justifies incest to me so many times. Is there a girl out there who has had to deal with this? What's going to happen? How do I get away/stay sane if I can't get away? I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

I swear i'm starting to develop OCD type behavior trying to get control over something. I'm sad. and of course anxious. Thanks.

[Nothing_but_books]

Hello RueSews97. I used to work at a Crisis hotline funded through the local university. It was put together and run by students. When I took overnight shifts, I dealt with guys calling to talk to women. They were never honest about why they called. Some of the women I worked with hung up on them. One woman managed to get a guy to actually talk to her! In my experience, the guy didn't want anything from me but my presence, silent or not, until he was done -- then abruptly hung up on me.

I decided to deal with those guys by being there for them. I wasn't volunteering in that place for myself, so their rudeness was my problem, but putting up with it or not, my choice.

There's so much more involved for you because it's your Dad and he has dementia. That makes it so confusing. I saw you mentioned "incest"relating to your Dad. I hope that didn't happen between you? If that happened, I can't imagine dealing with this at all. But if the incest is a product of his imagination during dementia, I'd consider it a sickness he can't control.

You know how you feel about your Dad, and about yourself. He's your family. It will always hurt to lose that. But you've gotta take care of yourself here. I wish there was a family member you could confide in.

[RueSews97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thanks for sharing. It does help to hear that other men do that. And the incest is a product of his dementia/delusions. And I do agree that I need to see it as a sickness. I will keep what you say in mind - about taking care. I appreciate you.

[Blueruth]

this is really difficult. I’m sorry for your struggle. My cousin’s mother was pretty inappropriate but in a different way. She had taken care of her so long that it was bad for her and her family. It was a difficult situation and decision but she ended up just saying no. They tried to get her to take her. They tried to get her to be financially responsible for her mother but she knew better. In the end her mom died safe and with her daughter but her daughter also didn’t lose herself in this mess.

My suggestion is to consult with a health advocate not for your father but for yourself. I feel like there is a way out but you need to weigh the pros and cons and know what is possible in your state. I’ll also caution that institutions will try to get you to sign paperwork without fully disclosing what it is. It is critical you read it and not sign anything. It is disturbing that they do that when people are at their worst but they do.

Since he is in a group home he is safe (presumably). Can you make your visits less frequent and stay in a common area? It is laudable but your health comes before reading. Just my opinion.

[RueSews97 in reply to Blueruth]

Thanks so much for sharing. I think I do need to reduce the frequency of our talks, and it's very helpful to hear about your cousin.

[Mrspjsmom]

My father also had early onset dementia. I will share with you what I learned:Depending on what area of the brain is affected inappropriate behavior isn't uncommon.

YOU ARE NOT responsible for taking care of your Dad. Hard to hear but for your own well being please remember this.

Doing your best is good enough.

I wish I could offer more but as I write this I am shaking. I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and HUGS.

[RueSews97]

Thank you - it is very hard to remember this. I feel like if I withdraw he will die. If I stay too close, I will get hurt. So I have to walk this narrow path - of being there enough, but not too much. He executive functioning area of the brain is affected - so we can expect a lot of inappropriate behavior. in addition to dementia, his criminal record has been difficult. I just wish the government/healthcare would acknowledge that because he is a criminal, I am (a 25 yr old daughter) has to be primary care giver for this man who has committed sexual crimes against other women. I just don't get how the gap in the laws/system can be so big. Like, what about the families of criminals, we didn't do anything and we've had to deal with the crime and the fallout. Anyway thanks so much for sharing. I will try my best to remember its not my burden to bear fully. <3