Dog's Day

[__oli]

I don't know why people call it, "a dog's day", because most dogs I know live such a beautiful life. But the expression exists and I might as well use it.

I missed my flight today because I forgot my ID at home. I've heard myself laughed at for it and called irresponsible, that I can't remember the most important thing at an airport, as I've seen eyes of pity. And I don't know what costs more.

All I know is that anxiety has a hand in this day. And I'm not talking about the anxiety I felt today after realising I was going to miss my plane, wouldn't have a flight until the next day, and that to go on that one I'd have to lose 80 euros. But the one I've felt all week. Maybe I'd been holding on to this giant knot of depression for a while, maybe because I'm living away from home and missing my place and people so much, and the feeling of security, or maybe because I was just experiencing so many other emotionally exuberant things at the same time. So many new things, new people, new situations. Situations that I don't know how to handle, feelings that I don't want to feel and people that I expected to become so much of, but really should never have put such high expectations on myself and on my experiences.

I can't blame anyone for forgetting a simple card at home. Least of all anxiety. A feeling that only grows in my head, that only grows if I let it. I can blame yes, the lack of courage to seek help, the cowardly situation of telling people that, "yes, it's a panic attack and I'm suffering some, but no, I've never been diagnosed, never done anything about it other than try to take deep breaths and avoid stressful moments". And yes, it hasn't worked as you can see from today.

Life has many ways of teaching us lessons and I know I had to learn this one, but it's just being too many bad things at once. I haven't felt this lonely for a long time and I don't know how to get out of this hole, I don't know how to deal with all these feelings. With this giant lack of self-love .

If this city is teaching me anything now, it's that I needed help a lot more than I really thought.