I joined the forum only a few weeks ago, at a time I was very severely struggling with major depression. I had little hope, but I was near my all-time low and desperately needed to try something. Anything.
Since I joined, I have received countless kind words, helpful advice and reading suggestions, and support beyond all expectations. Thank you all. Today, I feel better. Of course, compared to "normal" people, I would still look in a sad mood, with low energy and a pretty high anxiety level. But it's better than it was in a long time.
However, if my mood used to be stationarily "very low", it now oscillates between "low" and "normal", and I experience a recurring pattern of:
(1) "improved mood and energy." (2) "rise in anxiety." (3) "feeling of guilt, imposter syndrome, and thinking I couldn't keep up with the situation." (4) "depressed mood and loss of interest in all activities." (5) go back to (1).
And it goes like that two or three times a day. (1) is triggered by small everyday-life positive events (which is already a significant improvement for me). But it's like I cannot maintain that high state for a long time.
I wonder if one could be so accustomed to depression that they would be afraid of getting better and feel much more comfortable being apathetic. Do you think that makes sense? Did you already experience something like that?
Feeling Emotionally Alone
Emotional Roller Coaster 
Emotional Dysregulation
Stable emotions? Not!!
Mixed emotions
