im thinking of dying..
My therapist quit I can't find another in my area.
My dad just yelled at my poor mom when she was so happy.
There are so many small things adding up.
Abused kids at work.
The War.
Hurting animals.
My stupid brain betraying me.
It all just feels too much and suddenly im choking on the pain.
What should I do?
Take a step back and breathe. You don't need to carry the weight of the world. You are allowed to be upset by those things and that is okay. But feel what you need to and let it pass. Right now care for yourself. There is so much concern outward. Turn your focus to you and what you can be doing for yourself right now. it doesn't have to be big. Maybe make some tea. Read a book. Enjoy a movie. Do something for you that is self care. And let the world be chaotic without you for a bit. Ground yourself in the moment and be present where you are.
You don't have to reply to this reply but, I can't that's one reason why I'm thinking of giving up. Nothing takes this agony away it is constant terror and I'm just ready to be done. I don't know what to do. I'm really scared.
That's the thing. It never goes away. I'm not asking you to not feel. I am I am asking you to put yourself first for once. You are allowed to be hurt or angered or scared about the word and what is going on. That is normal. But at the same time you matter. You can take breaks and rest. This however takes time to cultivate. when you are so used to shutting yourself down it becomes a habit. And the only way to break that habit is to replace it with something else that is better for you. And the only way to do that is consistent effort and trying. Being honest, self care right away doesn't make you feel better. Nothing, and I do mean this, nothing will ever be a quick fix. You are not broken beyond repair, repairing just takes time. This is the hard part to accept about healing. Healing is painful. It hurts. It doesn't feel good. It's like getting in shape. When you first start exercising it's painful. You hurt and feel like you are going to die. But over time, which consistent effort it gets easier until you start to enjoy it. That is the same thing with mental health. you won't feel better right away. Nothing will make you feel better right away. Nothing. You need to do the consistent work needed to change your circumstances to get better. But it has to be consistent. You can't change doing it once a month or even once a week. Just like you will never get in shape working out once a month or even once a week. It has to be constant effort. Now that doesn't mean you can't fall. It doesn't mean you won't have bad days. you will. But it's the constant effort and change that leads to feeling good. You can do it. You are capable it just sucks getting there.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope that you have access to a new counselor, as soon as possible. Thank you for sharing how you feel with us. That took a lot of guts. I'm sorry that you feel so low. Do you have a close friend you can share with to let them know how you're feeling? You are important and worthy of love and life.
Thank you for posting this. I have no one and I’m out of possible counselors in my area and at the moment I have no one trying to help.
It's the little things that help with deep depression
Worry about every little thing being covid
How to stop worrying about little things. 
Things are getting better
Things have gotten bad again
