Let go of what you can not control!

[ZOO7]

Words of wisdom from my therapist. Why is this so hard to do. I find myself constantly in an anxiety induced stated trying to control things that I cannot or trying to rationalize what I can’t control. How do you do this? Anyone have anything that works here.

[Hidden]

I'm wondering the same thing. How do we go about doing this? People don’t like not being in control. It makes us uncomfortable, and we as humans don't like being uncomfortable. Have you asked your therapist how he/she recommends going about this?

[SarasotahereIcome in reply to Hidden]

I inadvertently learned this from people who sponsored me in Alanon and AA while doing and working through the twelve step program. They say it works if you work it and they’re right. Even from the first step admitting your life is unmanageable. A Christian twelve step program like celebrate recovery is all encompassing like you can put any problem in there. Like Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. Well Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over ___________ ( fill in the blank) that our lives had become unmanageable. So everyone is there for different reasons. In our group a guy was dealing with addiction to pornography. A lady put in that blank bulimia. Another was addicted to control. Another shopping. Another alcohol. I love it’s open to any problem one would have. Could put adult child addict like me. I carry his madness which really exasperates my anxiety and depression. I got to get control of allowing that to destroy me. He owes me thousands of dollars like my daughter too. I can’t say no. I’m broke. I can’t afford a car. I gave my son $2250 for a car and he bought a nice Cadillac that he wanted and gave me the car he had to use. Seriously. And I allowed it to happen. I could have said no way. That’s a car I asked you to look around for for me. God help me. If I’m not careful I’ll be homeless. I’m behind on my rent six months. I’m insane. I know. I need help. I just hired a life coach too which I can’t afford but I’m in the waiting list to see my therapist. So it’s worth the $25 an hour to kick my butt with setting boundaries with my kids. It depresses me that they think nothing if using me to take advantage of me. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent. Wow I just had an epiphany 😮 by allowing my kids to take advantage of me,!it’s my way to have some control over them. Oh my God. How insane is that.

[Hidden in reply to SarasotahereIcome]

No problem! That's what we're here for (allowing ourselves and others to vent).Congratulations on the epiphany! That's great 👍.

You aren't insane. It might feel like it, but that's your mind playing tricks on you. Good job on getting help for yourself!

[Agora1]

Z007 I learned through my therapist as well, that there are things we cannot control in life and when we learn to accept that, our anxiety can go down.

Actually, Acceptance is the key factor in knowing what we have control over and

what we don't.

We have control over ourselves in how we react to a situation whether physical

or verbal. However, we cannot control what others do even towards us as well

as certain life situations. And so, I learned to let go. With that I find a quiet spot

to meditate and breathe away my stress. After practicing it for so many years,

it takes but a few moments to collect my thoughts and find inner peace. It's a form

of living in the moment not hashing over the past or the future. Just Breathe xx

[Lve2dance in reply to Agora1]

Good suggestions. It's hard to not be in control I agree.. Unfortunately sometimes we can only control how we deal with situations. That is not easy.. It's a daily or hourly work in progress.. Each day is a reset.. Keep going and hopefully it will get better at some point

[SarasotahereIcome]

I have found that trying to do life one day at a time is very helpful. By staying in today I mean knowing that tomorrow might not come like the world could end tomorrow because it could. Staying in today means that for the next hour I’m going to focus on being calm and doing what I need to do whatever it is. I’m not going to try to control anyone or anything for this hour. I’m only going to focus on what I can control which is me. When that hour is over like 6-7 pm then the next one 7-8 pm I’m going to stay calm and not worry about controlling anything except for me. Just stay in that time frame until that hour is over. Just keep doing this. It works if you work it. After years of doing that I can stay in one day at a time. I hope that helps. It’s definitely worth the try. Another thing I’ve done is have a God box or universe box. Anything I’m trying to control I write it down on a piece of paper and put it in my God box for God to take care of. It works. If I’m out and about, I pull out a piece of paper I keep in my purse and write it down and put it in my purse like I’d do with the God box and say to myself, it’s for God to take care of. If you don’t believe in God, call it the universe box. Give it to the universe. This actually helps with worrying too. Put your worries in your God box. I love this prayer. Say it every time you find yourself trying to control. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

[Agora1 in reply to SarasotahereIcome]

We are on the same wave length Sarasota xThe Serenity Prayer is on a ring I wear. It's a reminder

that I can't have control of everything. One day at a time

is enough to handle.

Welcome to our support forum. I'm happy you are here with us xx

[SarasotahereIcome in reply to Agora1]

Awe you’re the sweetest person ever. Thank you. Yah it’s easier said than done but it works if we work it. I learned that we learn controlling behavior from others as we grow up. Thankfully we can unlearn it. I heard it’s a habit from living in hmm chaos growing up. So to have it is to try to control our surroundings and our life as a way to avoid chaos and anxiety we grew up with. Controlling people are just anxious people trying to find peace. Kind of sad. Just trying to survive like that is very painful. I’m not really plagued with that anymore. I kind of gone in the other direction now where I don’t care about much, which isn’t too good either.

[Nad1971 in reply to Agora1]

Dear Agora and SarasotahereIcome, both of your responses are very helpful, thank you.

The hardest thing for us to do is to make this effort of not wanting to be in control our daily practise so it embeds itself. Hopefully, with time, we can do that….

[SarasotahereIcome in reply to Nad1971]

Absolutely. We are pushing each other up since people who don’t understand who push us down. We are so blessed to be here for each other. I told in so much and never tell anyone how bad I feel and how hopeless I am. But by sharing here a little bit of hope to others gives me hope too. You all are awesome brave courageous. It takes a lot of energy to reach out and get honest. Our secrets keep us sick. I can tell on my depression so it losses it’s grip on strangling me. Deep breath. Big sigh. Everything is going to be alright. Just for today everything is okay. Period. Because things can definitely be worse. I’m grateful.

[SarasotahereIcome in reply to Agora1]

Awe you’re so kind. Thank you. Yes I’m a lover of the serenity prayer. After many years in AA I learned that I had the serenity prayer backwards. I tried to change the things I couldn’t which was people and I didn’t change what I could which is myself. Serenity for those I can’t change by accepting people right where they are and not judge. Courage to say the least is so incredibly hard to come by to change ourselves. I’ve found God and the lord as a young child. I believe that as I try to muster up the courage to change things about myself, that with prayer God had changed me despite my beat efforts. Man I am incredibly grateful for that. Huge weight off my shoulders. All I have to do is be willing to see my faults then acknowledge them and God steps in to show me what todo or how to do it or guided me to therapy or totake meds. I take zoloft for anxiety and lamictal for depression. I believe in doing everything I possibly can to get better one day at a time. Just for today everything is okay. I tell myself that on bad days but also good days. It’s the truth. Circumstances always change like being on a roller coaster. I don’t let bills of peoples bad attitude to get to me. It’s just life. I don’t have to let it make me a nervous wreck. Trust me I’ve been homeless a number of times but it happens to the best of us. Just keep reaching out for help. It works out. I’m struggling right now grieving moving because I’m so sick and tired or being sick and tired of seasonal depression. It takes me all summer to crawl out of that depression only to have it start over by November. Treatment resistant my whole life although meds take the edge off. But I’m moving to Florida this year as I get my life in order getting rid of my things and rehoming my cats etc. I’m devastated to leave my great life here but half the year I’m like a vegetable sleeping like a bear hibernating like sleep day and night. It’s crazy. But I need the courage to move forward. I know I’ll feel so much healthier in Florida. I’m moving to Sarasota. I’ve prayed for years to figure out how to not have seasonal affective disorder but $350 light box, etc just isn’t making me better. Oh the hormone replacement therapy has saved my life. I’m way better since I take estrogen and progesterone. But it’s not enough. I need sunshine year round. I don’t want to turn my life upside down and move a thousand miles away. Especially with disabilities. But I believe that’s God will for me. The soft white quartz healing sand. The sunshine and swimming my favorite thing inthe world to do in the beautiful clear warm water of the Gulf of Mexico. My dream come true. I have a best friend there from like over thirty years ago. Today she told me she felt like me too before she moved there but looked at it as an adventure so that’s what I’m thinking now. It’s going to be an awesome adventure. She promised me I’ll feel like a new person there. I hope I get better to go off meds but if I need them, I’ll be on them. Whatever it takes to get better. Depression and anxiety has been a result of ptsd. I refuse to let those who traumatized me my whole life to win. They will not ruin my life anymore. Thanks for welcoming me. Love you and love the rest of you too. Thanks fir the loving kindness and encouragement.

[Tara52 in reply to SarasotahereIcome]

🙂👍

[caninetrainer in reply to SarasotahereIcome]

This made me cry. I love it. I have The Serenity Prayer on a beautiful gold book mark in my work calendar - WHY DON'T I READ IT? Thank you for this reminder to give my worries to God and to read my bookmark.

[Alladin]

That is true, ZOO7. In reality you can only control the one foot space around you. There are many things that just happen and overthinking about these will just drive you crazy. While it is true that you can control where your car goes, you cannot control the other cars. While I do my best with things I can do I am just grateful that I wake up in the morning and enjoy the blessings life has to offer throughout the day. And I do believe in God and that He is in control and let Him worry about things that happen around me. I hope you feel better.

[Blueruth]

You can control your reaction to the thing you can’t control. Some of the advice here. Also practical strategies like you learn with CBT. It would be easier to walk through some examples with your therapist or on here if your are comfortable to get feedback.

[Savanah123]

I have always had anxiety and often find myself thinking about things I cannot control as well. I really do think that letting go of what you cannot control is a mindset. It’s not always easy and I’ve had many situations that had taught me this, but when you put things in perspective and start to really think, you only have one life so the things you cannot control are not worth getting yourself worked up over.

[MaggieSylvie]

I looked at your earlier posts and in them you give advice of what works for you! Have a look back. Your own advice is the best to take.

That aside, I have discovered a phrase that stops people in their tracks when they are trying to put you down - "I beg your pardon?" There is someone half in and half out of my life who puts me down every time we meet. She arrived on my doorstep (from Singapore) recently, and when the put down came, that's what I said - in not too emotive a tone, and it seemed to work, though, as usual, I can never work out what is behind what she says as her remarks are pointless and irrelevant to the topic. Finding phrases like this before you travel may come in handy when you are faced with an unpleasant face to face. It may not seem get you any further, but it does prove that you're not going to "suck up any old shit". That gives you a feeling of being a bit more in control. Good luck.

[Tara52]

It is good advice but it would be more helpful with instructions on how. Being in control is a heavy burden to bear. As I am learning about God as more tangible and less abstract I find more and more I am able to let He/She take control.🥰

[caninetrainer]

I need this too. To add to Sarosatahereicome's post, my massage therapist suggested I write everything down in a journal that comes up in my meditation. Then say, "I let this go." It actually helps.