This was one of my responses to another member's post that I hope may give you guys some form of relatedness and inspire some meaningful change, because it's hard going through things alone.
PART 1:
Hey, I've been going through a similar thing for about the same amount of time. It's really hard to crawl out of, especially when you don't have the proper support networks (which are IMPOSSIBLE to develop and maintain when you're in the throes of depression and outsiders observing the isolation DON'T get it. Like, they think our loneliness is self-imposed and we need to just brush the dust off and immediately be at some place of sustainable accountability to formulate these connections, which is beyond unrealistic and is entirely unfair.) But it's like, HOWWWW does one emerge from this without the support? The depression just spurs the continuation of a really nasty cycle of loneliness, self-sabotage, destructive behaviour, and without even ONE person glued to your side throughout the process makes it incredibly difficult to push on. I pushed away my biggest supporter by making him my only support because I didn't have the tools or capacity to seek out other supporters... and now I wrongly feel abandoned, which feels like a really selfish emotion, but I also feel that feeling that way is also short-sighted and a form of self-sabotage too... It feels like a tightrope walk sometimes honestly.
Holidays are verrryyyy rough, and usually I contemplate suicide around them as I've continued to spend the past few alone. And that's every major holiday (July 4th, Memorial Day, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...) I think I'll be okay for Memorial Day this year, but I'm absolutely petrified as to what I'll be doing July 4th... For whatever reason I get especially suicidal that holiday.
Aside from the holidays, I feel like I'm missing out on my ex, on my friends, on some kind of family. I'm at this point where I just feel completely unworthy of love because I still don't have all the right tools to pull myself out of this, but I feel like this is a good start.
PART 2:
I thought about packing a bag several times this week and going to the ER for interventional therapy. I've gone one other time to no serious avail... it just felt like a prison... But this time at least, despite how ineffective I felt my initial visit was, the thought of going somewhere where I knew I was safe from inflicting any injury upon myself was very comforting. I honestly thought about doing it today, but I'm trying to do a lot of small, communal things for myself to try and build supports and work on my confidence to get myself out of the rest of the muck... And the entirety of this emotion is especially frustrating because I thought I was on a path of healing, but one trigger shattered my newfound, developing sense of security and plummeted me back to where I was before...
So I've been frantically seeking out support and trying to be accountable for everything because no one else is going to be able to help me unless I continue making serious efforts to improve myself.
In my past relationship, I thought dating someone who was outstanding and unconditionally supportive was going to be enough, but it wasn't. I NEEDED to put in more work at the time to sustain myself and the relationship at the time, but literally did not have the capacity to seek out help. I even stigmatised it. Now I know it's irrefutably necessary to lead a healthy life, because if you don't, you're just going to keep on pushing people away...
That's why I've reached out to several specific online support networks, because it's hard to make someone who hasn't been through certain things fully understand your plight. It's frustrating when you don't feel understood on the level you need. You also need to remind yourself that instead of retreating further into yourself when you don't feel understood is to either make yourself feel constructively understood or to seek out networks of people that could help you heal your ultra-specific wounds.
Another huge thing I learned is the importance of altering expectations, as they're very inhibitory and limiting. Like I said earlier, I put grandiose expectations on someone who hadn't experienced the gauntlet of trauma that I had undergone, and I would repeatedly feel some degree of anger when I didn't feel understood. Like, I expected someone to essentially be my saviour... that breeds a VERY problematic relational dynamic...
From everything I've learned from this experience, I think that one of the biggest first steps to healing is to find people that understand you. I've only been on this site since yesterday and the level of comfort to see that I'm not the only one going through this illness makes me feel less alone.
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v_levasseur
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I hate holidays. We have no family or sense of community. We live far away from them and don't talk to them because they are toxic and have let us down. Everybody we try to connect with has their routines with family and other stuff going, so it's usually one-off get-togethers at the house or out to dinner, with very little ongoing connection or support.
A lot of those folks have their solid networks and families, and thus are hard to relate to anyway. It makes elevator rides at work very awkward: "We had a non-stop party and family reunion this weekend....What did you do?...." ....."....I contemplated the absurdity, angst and pain of human existence..."
I recently read a Harvard study that loneliness is an epidemic and growing--especially among your age group of 18-25ish (61% or something), so you are far from alone in your struggle. It's a big sociological problem, and I don't think it's just our own personal flaws or oversights contributing to the problems we face.
"I recently read a Harvard study that loneliness is an epidemic and growing--especially among your age group of 18-25ish (61% or something), so you are far from alone in your struggle. It's a big sociological problem, and I don't think it's just our own personal flaws or oversights contributing to the problems we face."
Random comments incoming.
1 - You and I have lived "life" before and after the Internet was a thing. We got to see the world from the eyes of how the Internet, and even cell phones have changed the world.
2 - I'm concerned that younger generations sometimes get "too comfortable" with texting or being on their phones. It used to drive me nuts to watch younger people on a dinner date being at a table, and the entire time they are on their phones. I would notice that on and off from another table.
I mean.. When I was younger (OK I just felt kinda old for saying that lol but still), When I was younger, I was able to fill time with small talk on dates.
Even if it was as simple as saying, "Hey did you ever see this movie?" I could fill the entire dinner date with just that piece of small talk alone. Just talking about famous scenes or lines, and how that relates to each other's lives. (or go deeper into the "tell me about yourself" moments)
3 - The Pandemic probably made things worse for the "Art of conversation" for the younger crowd.
And that kinda sucks, because if there's one thing that the Pandemic taught me was the need for "social connection" with others. (this kinda relates back to what you were talking about that I OG quoted)
If it weren't for the internet, I would have never met my wife. I met her on AOL in 1998.
Of course, back then, smart phones hadn't reached the masses yet, and we were able to meet in person a couple of months after we started talking.
I was watching something from a pop-psychology guru, who basicallly said that we had become disconnected with each other before the internet came. But instead of becoming a way to bring people together (as it did in my case), it became a shallow substitute for in-person interaction, and ultimately made things worse.
Pile the isolation of lockdown on top of that--as you pointed out--and the loneliness epidemic just gets worse.
I dreaded when my employer called us back to the office. I still hate the idea of employers forcing that on people, but to be honest, I like going into the office a couple of days a week to see people in person, now that we're mostly back, and I appreciate the in-person stuff more than I ever did before.
A lot of what you say is totally relatable and makes me think. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
"I dreaded when my employer called us back to the office. I still hate the idea of employers forcing that on people, but to be honest, I like going into the office a couple of days a week to see people in person, now that we're mostly back, and I appreciate the in-person stuff more than I ever did before."
If I had a dollar for every time that I have seen or heard what you have written above, OH my goodness, that would be a lot of money that I would be staring at ATM.
So many people have expressed the same attitude of, "I didn't want to go back to the office, I got used to working from home, but in a way I kinda missed the people in the office, but I wouldn't want to be around them every day."
I think companies in general, need to adapt a "hybrid experience". 1-2 work days in, and the rest, let people work from home. I think that people would have less workplace burnout if that were to happen.
IDK.. I've never been a fan of the "Clockwatchers". My attitude is simple, if you get work done, then why do you need to find ways to fill in the rest of the remaining time, just for the sake of filling in the rest of the remaining time?
That of course would cause Micromanagers to come out of the woodwork, and chase me with pitchforks and torches, but whatever.. let people be people.
If they are getting their work done, then let them recharge.
The challenge is for employers to see their enlightened-self-interest, and that we all ultimately win with a work/life model based on productivity and flexibility, rather than an outdated one based on coming to an office 40 hours a week and pretending to work.
Part of the problem--as you suggest--is the old-guard who think they have a vested interest in the status-quo and/or may thrive on micromanagement. Maybe they do, and are terrified of losing control, but if the rest of us have to deal with change all the time, why can't they?
Like you, I've had tons of conversations with my colleagues and folks online. It can be frustrating to watch the RTO push and what it's doing to people's sanity..... I guess for now I'm just thankful that I don't have the same level of RTO anxiety that so many others are struggling with, and have adjusted pretty well so far.
I feel that generation has been hit by a lot in a relatively short period of time.
* The pandemic for sure. At that age your job is dealing with the public which we know was horrible.
* Gun violence plays a toll in the US. Especially because they grew up with drills and possibly events.
* The prospect of wealth building seems out of reach with the growing financial inequality and loans. It is not a coincidence unions are popular. That they are facing intimidation from large companies… even so called inclusive Starbucks… is another reason to be concerned. The 25 -30 years olds got hit by the Great Recession just as they were entering the job market. Many still haven’t recovered. Meanwhile boomers are retiring early because the stock market was stellar.
* Climate change is impossible to ignore. Heck I’m in my 50s and thinking seriously where it is safe to live. If you don’t have money your options are limited.
Mobile devices are a concern but not as big as for people that didn’t grow up with them. A lot have ditched SM. Or they understand it better. I don’t hear that internet life is a major problem for the young very much on this forum. We learned to deal with frenetic advertising which is impossible for older people to focus on. That depression makes you lonely (or vice versa) is universal. I think we transfer out challenges as if that is a given. I get that studies point to that but scientists are biased too. I feel it is more complicated. I also feel older people *are not listening *
That said mobile devices literally keep your eyes open. I also work on a computer and I periodically cover my eyes with a warm towel my eyes are so tired. It is like that old movie by Stanley Kubrick.
We actually need boredom to be creative too. I do fear that is a major problem that nobody addresses. Literally everyone experiences creativity whether they think so or not. Any job at a min requires it. … but I do see a lot of creative, amazing work from young people, much of it digital. Even mentally ill…maybe especially mentally ill.
Yes, V, I really get it. Except for the relationship part. HOW in the world did you even manage to consider getting in to a relationship? My bf lived with me for 10 yrs but after that ended, I've never had a serious relationship again. A few failed attempts (with all the wrong men) in the early years but now it's not even something I can conceive of (but I'm a lot older than you, lol). Btw, as an added bonus, the older I get, the more invisible I become. Definitely a female thing as men seem to get better with age. Just my experience of course.
Holidays are all horrible as are most weekends. FOMO and FOGO (fear of going out). Just running that hamster wheel looking for a safe place to jump off.
If these feelings persist please go to the ER, or call a hotline, anything that will put you in touch with a professional. Don't harm yourself!!!!! It might not seem like much, talking to strangers online, but i think we've all been through similar lows, keep posting, keep working through your feelings, don't worry about a holiday a month from now, just this moment! Everyone is here to help in whatever way we can!!!!
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Dream Interpretation (Long Post Sorry)
A Disclaimer About My Postings.
This is NOT fine. My first post.
I feel bad i ruined my accounts (here and on messenger) for some people, in vain 
I'm so sad because I have lost my previous account😥.This is so hilarious.
