Heart ache. I ruin everything. With my jelaousy

[Against_the_current]

I have become mom. So jelaous. But how can i trust when my own dad left? Why do i have to be a psycho for being jelaous? Why did he get me in the first place If i'm psycho? I ruined 1 relationship by appearing to his stream and asking who is she and another by texting the girl he's texting. He said he got creeped out. And i didn't even know it untill i asked for virtual hugs and he refuses and i asked why and he said I creeped him out by texting her. Can't i text her? She said she's there for me. And why did she tell him?! Hurts too much. How am i supposed to get better If this happens? I just need support. I need adoration. I need attention and affection. And i do need attention and affection more a than advice when i'm suffering. How to go to sleep at this state? I'm sleepy and i can't do much in my state (took a lot of Clonasepam and it's 3:14am)and how am i supposed to write my homeworks Tommorrow? How am i supposed to heal? My heart is broken. I just hope i don't lose him as a friend because i was grumpy because i'm tired and hurt. He didn't even tell me he lost everything to me. And for what? For her, S.... I'm broken. I wish i didn't have this need of affection but damn i do have it and i hate it. Losing ever because i'm jelaous and "insane". What will i do with my i sanity? Therapy and meds don't help and they don't want to take me in the mental hospital. I ruined everything. I lost everyone. I lost even a friend. I feel like i'm mentally disabled and ppl notice it and don't like it. My parents, roommates, friend, crushes... 😭💔

[Against_the_current]

Same. But i feel like this is gaslighting. Always "You're crazy" when i'm just scared of being left. I think it's from my dad, even my Sister's gay friend called him "Proffesional gaslighter", he caused a lot of troubles when he called me crazy when in reality me and sis were abused and it was real not me being crazy and mom saw Sister's texts explaining to him of the abuse and she got furious (when in reality sis wasn't complaining from mom, she was defending me and saying i'm not crazy it's real, she would bear the abuse but not him calling me crazy). And that dad really left. Also mom being a really crazy and jelaous. I hate myself that i probably looked from her. But she's better at this game of psycho jelaous. I hate how my parents ruined me and my love life and at the same time i need love became they didn't give me. Sorry for the vent