I am hoping to talk to some people in regards to severe anxiety and depression involving sex. Long story short, my wife and I explored a non-monogamous lifestyle for around 6 months. The idea was originally mine, I am bisexual and wanted more experiences, however as time went on I found myself more and more uncomfortable. I could not quite pin down why, I gave a lot of reasons and excuses that I am not sure are true anymore. Roughly six months ago things came to a precipice and we stopped the lifestyle on my request. My wife and I had some disagreements and some hurtful situations happened as a result in which she was non-monogamous without me. As time went on I felt guilty and shame in the actions we had taken, I began to feel that sexual experience should not be so casual and should remain private. My wife does not agree, she is much more open and came to enjoy the lifestyle tremendously
Within the last month or so I have become insanely anxious about sex. I cannot seem to see it talked about on TV or in a song so casually. My body becomes physically ill and tense on the topic of sex. There was a comedian on TV talking openly and proudly about their sexual encounters, or people (men and women alike) proudly calling themselves sluts.
I legitimately do not understand this, or how this is something positive. I come to find I have a tremendous amount of shame about sex and I do not know where it comes from. Society and my mind are telling me I should not have issues with sex, be sex positive, support my wife's wants and needs, and be open. However the physical feelings in my body make me feel that sex should be something special between two people, an action of vulnerability and trust, that it isn't right in the slightest to be so casual about sex. I have never understood one night stands or hook-ups, and I have issue even hearing the topic mentioned in passing now.
I am not sure how to move on or recover. My wife wants to be able to explore her sexuality, but I cannot mentally handle it without seemingly losing my mind in a downward spiral. In these moments I feel that I should be enough for her and the fact she sees sex so casually will hurt me extremely deeply, it makes me feel like I am nothing special.
I have the conflicting views that I wish my wife only wanted me, yet I know that isn't reasonable, yet that is how I feel about her so I know it is possible. I just need to talk to people about this, I love my wife more than anything in this world and I do not know how to get through this.
Thank you.
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PaintsandWorries
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This is a hard one to reply to. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I went through a period of having a very different view of sex during a relationship. I wanted to open things up at the time too. That's not the way my relationship went, but I feel where you're coming from and I completely agree with where you are now, that sex should indeed be something special between two people.
The only thing I can imagine you need to do now is discuss this with your wife without holding back on any thoughts or feelings. It seems that for you it was a major mistake to open up your relationship, but if your wife is dead set on continuing this way than maybe it's time to make a hard decision. You can't continue to live in a way you're not comfortable with.
Hi PaintsandWorries when we make a decision to explore through our own choice, wemust also accept what comes with it. For you, it ended up a learning experience in that
the momentary thrill was not worth losing that special bond and trust between you and
your wife.
On the other hand, your wife got caught up in the freedom to do whatever she wants
in order to explore her sexuality. Indeed a dangerous game to play.
My suggestion would be for the both of you to get professional counseling from maybe
a sex therapist. The therapist may be able to give both of you a way to fulfill your desires
with each other as well as keep your marriage alive and interesting.
I wish you well dear friend. Please seek help soon before it's too late. xx
Thank you Agora, I feel that it is already too late unfortunately, I do not know how to mend the situation and I am not sure if it is possible.I appreciate the insight.
Agora's reply is so much better than mine, I hadn't even thought of counseling! Of course that will only work if she's willing to go to. If she is it's a great idea, learning and understanding can help almost any problem.
Your reply to Agora though makes it sound like you already know what needs to be done. I'm not encouraging you to end your relationship by any means, but if that is the road you need to travel, then honestly, its not the end of the world. You're still young!
I didn’t even consider sex counseling either! I hadn’t known that was an helpful option until I watched the show “Sex Education” (2019). It’s difficult stuff navigating one’s sexual life.
If it isn’t possible for you and your wife to attend, would it be possible for just you attend? A way for you to seek support in your recovery and a space to process on this journey?
Thank you both for your replys, Part of the issue is my insurance doesn't cover couples and sex therapy. I currently have a therapist and psychiatrist and I cannot seem to see them enough. I wanted the opportunity to talk it through with people and have a conversation about it with regular folks.
I will do anything to save this, my age is no factor I can't restart my life.
I just fear I have already said and done too much to make any difference.
It sounds like you are already kind of accepting the fate of the initial choice, it's gone farther than your comfortable with, and maybe your right, we cannot go back and undo. And if your wife has found a lifestyle that you cannot accept... it is time to do your own work with your therapist if not for nothing else than closure and letting go.
I would rather have known what my husband of 18yrs and 2 kids felt. He seemed to think it was alright for him to have affairs. When I found out he was having an affair again with a work collea ge who wanted me to know. She kept calling and hanging up. I divorced him and I re married to a man I know I can trust.
Not sure how I can respond other than to say I think going to therapy with your wife is a wonderful idea. My husband and I started dating in high school and have been married for 33 years. We have had our ups and downs in every aspect of our relationship including sex. Talking things through can be difficult but it's the best way to work together.
I also think counseling could be good. I don’t know how long you two have been together but it’s not uncommon for couples to go through sexual issues in a long relationship. May I ask why you wanted to initially explore outside of your marriage to begin with? What made you not want to continue? Were you jealous? Has your wife given you a reason why she still wants to explore?
I think communication is VERY important. I knew I was bisexual from a young age but didn’t know the term for it and went through a lot of confusion as I thought you had to be gay or straight but as soon as I figured out is was totally normal I made sure I told my partners right off the bat that I was not only bi but also I needed to be with a guy who is sure he would be 100% ok with me dating a woman while with them. All were ok except one and I ended up marrying him but I REALLY missed women and when we divorced, I made sure I wouldn’t allow another man to control my interactions with other women (I have never needed or wanted to be with another man).
I dated one guy who not only was ok with it but because him and his ex experimented with other women together he thought he would love it…. Until I met a woman and he seen us kiss and it really upset him and angered him.. we broke up. My bf now is ok with it and we have been together 16+ years (we have other serious issues but me liking women has nothing to do with it).
You might think it’s too late for therapy, but you never know. I would give it a try at least.
One of my issues is my insurance will not cover couples counciling, I am scouring my area for someone I can afford. I don't have much in the way of support to talk to for something like this. I really appreciate your answer being in a similar situation. I love my wife more than anything, I want to understand the way she sees sex but I cannot make the connections in my head to make it line up.
I can not remember why I wanted it. When I was younger I used to go on sites like Omegle and Chatroullette alot, and I remember I wanted to go on with her but I didn't think she would be up for it. She was not only up for it but really into it. I think I got excited and just started snowballing. An issue with me as well is generaly my brain will outweigh my heart, i can think my way into anything (part of why it is so hard I can't understand this), so I kept telling myself it is new times, new age, you should be open about sex, you should celebrate it. So I tried doing that with her and I found myself becoming more and more insecure, more jealous, more paranoid, it felt like all her attention went to the lifestyle or posting things online. I tried to keep listening to those progressive thoughts in my head but as time went on my feelings became more and more extreme, to the point now I feel like I have physical reactions to the topic.
I don't know whether to trust the progressive thoughts or the pain in my body? It feels like the feelings in my body are something I am supposed to work through, but I don't know how, I don't uderstand feelings nor do I know how to control them well, I have only learned to recognize them recently. So over this time my physical feelings have seemingly become more and more compounded the more I have felt.
Its to the point that my emotions and feelings are so overwhelming I cannot tell what my true thoughts or opinions are, I feel plauged by my own mind.
Thank you so much for the response of a conversation, I realize I need therapy I just really need someone to talk to so thank you.
You need to explore this with a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist, I'm afraid. None of us are doctors, so legally we cannot do more than advise.
That said, did you have a strict upbringing in a religious home? There could be a seed there if you did, or are a regular church goer. Again, religion is not an approved subject here so cannot explore it further.
It seems odd that you are bi, yet are feeling ashamed of your body after your adventures. We are all made the same; it is culture and custom which makes us ashamed of our bodies, that is why I asked about religion.
Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is plenty of art in galleries and on walls which attests to that, and it seems unfair that you seem to be the one suffering, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but I will support you in any way I can.
My son is bi too, and I support absolutely his choices.
I appreciate your response, I very much realize no one here is a therapist or doctor, I go to both regularly, I just need some people to talk to and talk this out with. I get so wrapped up and caught in my own head I cannot decipher thoughts from feelings most times, things run together and mash up, these things are extremely overwhelming and confusing to me.
I did not grow up particularly religious, both sides of my family are religious but we didn't go to church or practice. That is part of why I am so confused and want to talk to people. I don't know where it could have come from, especially seemingly out of nowhere my thoughts and feelings changed.
Being Bi hasn't really swayed me one way or another, I only add that so people don't think I am just upset with her with another man if that makes sense.
I have so much Shame wrapped up in sex. I paint and draw naked people regularly, I took a figure painting class with my wife and painted nudes. It is like overnight I became possessed by an extremely staunch conservative and I cannot push it out. I don't have the tools or knowedge so I just circle in my head that sex should be private and its gross and wrong otherwise. I feel this in my feelings but I don't believe it with my mind and it is causing me great turmoil.
Thank you again for any and all you can and have given.
I didn't mean to put you off, maybe folk will want to chat about this, it's certainly not our regular run of the mill request, and I wasn't sure where you were coming from. If I got the wrong end of the stick I apologise.
Oh no not at all I hope I didn't come across ungrateful. I tried posting on Reddit and many other forums and a lot of the responses I got were "well you shouldn't have done that" which isn't helpful at all. I just really need a conversation about this, so thank you for your response.
Hey Greenland44, I would love to talk more with some people, I need more talking and discussion, it is how I work through things, but I don't have people in my life to talk to about this, especially not with the speed and severity I need to work through things.
I am not entirely sure how to send a message but I will try.
I don't understand how they aren't the same thing, I cannot get myself to separate them even if logically or mentally I know that to be true, I cannot combat my feelings over the matter no matter how hard I try.
She tells me sex with me is different, but it doesn't look any different than the group says we had, it doesn't seem like she feels differently. When I want to go slow or have lots of kissing it feels like I am irritating her. How can sex be both fun/meaningless and special/meaningful? I legitimately don't understand and I think she takes my not understanding as not believing or accepting, but I cannot fathom how that works? How can it be both?
This is a lot to process. I understand why you’re feeling anxious, frustrated, sad. It’s obvious that you love your wife and are looking for ways to work through this. Frankly, given the role sex has played in your marriage, I think having a trauma- and anxiety focused reaction makes sense.
While I agree that sex therapy and/or couples therapy is probably the most linear route to clarity, you’ve mentioned it isn’t an option right now. So with that in mind, let’s talk about how much of the legwork you’ve already done.
If you sit down and ask yourself what you need from your marriage. What do you come up with? Here’s the caveat: you can only express these needs in terms of your own feelings and behaviors. I.e., it’s ok to say “I need to feel loved. I need to feel desired. I need to be able to explore my nascent interests…” - those are healthy things. But it is NOT ok for you to begin any sentence with “I need my wife to….” - because we have a right to our needs and wishes, but we don’t have a right to control someone else’s feelings/behavior. Take some time to really think about this and write down as many as you can think of.
Once you have your list, identify which of those needs are being met and which are not. Of the ones that are not, write out the problem in terms of your own feelings (one that avoids assumptions about intents and motives from your wife). So, it’s perfectly ok to say, “when you do X, I feel sad because I feel like I’m not enough for you. I feel insecure about my value and contribution.” It is not ok to say, “I feel like you don’t care because….” - see the difference? The first owns your experiences, the second is an accusation based on your own assumptions and interpretations.
A third step is to write out what your wife is currently doing or saying that is hurting your or preventing your needs from being met. Be as detailed and explicit as possible. (So, if it bothers you when your wife is intimate with others, what bothers you? Does it bother you equally regardless of her partner’s gender? Or is one gender more difficult for you? If so, what’s the difference in how it makes you feel? Does you being in the room when this is happening matter? What about if you knew about it but weren’t present for it? What about if you didn’t know about it at all? Try to bring everything back to what comes up in terms of your own feelings and interview those feelings. The deeper you can go, the more helpful the exercise. For instance, sadness and anger are broad stroke emotions that float on the top, what’s under them is often insecurity, fear, issues relating to attachment and self worth, etc.).
The purpose of this exercise is for you to spend the time and effort to truly understand where your pain comes from and what your needs are. Only by knowing these things can you begin you (a) determine the places for resolution or compromise, (b) ask for what you need, (c) be honest about where you are, (d) operate within your locust of control (without trying to control the behavior of your partner.
The last step is to bring this stuff up to your wife. I.e., “Hey, I know things have been difficult and confusing lately, but I’d like to start an open dialogue about where I am, where we are, and how we might navigate through this…” The idea is to start slowly and NOT dumpy everything you’ve written out at once. Start with a recent incident and limit your conversation to only that incident. Or, begin with a feeling. I.e., “Lately I’ve been feeling inconsequential and unloved. I’d really like to talk about this so that we can find a way forward.”
The broader point here is to figure out whether and/or how your needs align with those of your wife. Assuming both people want the same things and both are willing to commit to making it work by finding ways to meet each other’s needs, then this is navigable challenge. It will take time and a lot of communication, but it can be done. I wish you well in your journey, friend. I know it won’t be an easy road - but going through these steps will help you better understand so many things. The journey will be worth it.
Thank you so much for your thought out response, this is so helpful. Just reading through this I can see some things I am doing incorrectly in this process. I am going to work through this line by line, thank you so much.
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xx
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
