Here we go again…

3 years ago my mother died by suicide. I had my first nervous breakdown about 6 months afterward. Since then, I’ve been to IOP, countless hours of support groups, one on one therapy sessions, taken 3 different anti-depressants, and then I did the work to get the best paying, high status job I’ve ever had. 3 months ago I decided I felt well, I thought I was in a supportive environment and my relationship with my spouse was good. It was time to stop my medication! Today I am home, without that (what I thought was the most awesome) job. Ashamed. I left like an evacuation for a bomb threat. All the numbness was gone, I didn’t react well in grey areas and could not control my emotions. I’m ok. I will survive. I have survived my beloved mothers loss, my childhood abuser and so much more. I’m also back on the meds. Not sure how I feel about that but I suppose I feel better than my mom did before she pulled the trigger. I want people to know I don’t want to be a victim. How do I not feel like a victim, every day? Every second? I’m so sick of myself I could puke.

[Mikam1967]

Hi there. I wish I could give you a huge hug from here. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I've loss many in my life to suicide. It really is very difficult to go through. I always wish I were there to save them....if they only they told me or even if I just somehow knew to call them before it happened. I'm sorry to hear about your childhood too. I was molested by my grandfather. This is something I've burried, and never delt with. Everytime it resurfaces, I shove it back down. Here is the first time I've sharing this in a very long time. These things have affected, but somehow the worse was the mental and emotional abuse I went through with my ex. It was cause severe depression that i knew I needed medication. Not very fond of using it. But if it keeps those bad thoughts in check, then, it's worth it. Maybe you can check in with your doctor and see if he or she can help? I know it's hard not to feel like the victim. but like you said you were able to do it before and you can do it again. Hold on that. I hear your strength in that. So know you had overcome and you can do it again. I know things fell apart when you stopped the meds, but maybe you can get the guidance from your doctors to step on that first stone again. Not every day is perfect with me and I'm still on meds. But when I was off, I was very self destructive and I even almost hurt my own family.

If you have any good memories, that can help a lot too. The one thing in my life are my twins. The most happiest time in my so far is when i was pregnant with them. It's very hard to find and do when were feeling depressed. But it really can help a lot. I even journal and pray. Doing these two I can never live without. It helps me a lot to just let things go.

You are strong and I believe you can get through this. I totally believe in you! Just find those steps that got you through it before. We all fall once or maybe more in our lives, but we just need to get back up. Sending all my hugs, hope, prayers and encouragement.

[designguy]

Hello Hidden, sorry to hear about your mother, I lost a brother to suicide years ago, the pain has lessened but the loss is still with me and I miss him a lot. You might consider joining a suicide survivors support group if you haven't already, it helped me and helped me realize I was not responsible and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it when someone is hell bent on ending their life. Suicide is a form of trauma and you might benefit from working with a therapist who specializes in treating trauma and c-ptsd.

Also, there is no shame in staying on meds if you need them and they work for you. I've tried life with and without them and even trying natural supplements but found I do better on the right med for me.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself, please.