It is my mother's 80th birthday party coming up next week, and we are having a big lunch to celebrate. To be frank, I am not looking forward to it. At the moment I am particularly stressed, anxious and depressed, but no one recognises I am struggling and I am still expected to organise it all, and be the life and soul of the party.
My parents are avoiders, stoic, don't really believe mental illness should be talked about, and will change the subject quicker than you can blink an eye. So, when I try and tell them what I'm going through, they are incredibly uncomfortable and send me emails afterwards like, 'We just wish you were back to normal darling,' or 'We miss our old Doodie (my nickname)'. They basically don't like the me now and are not afraid to tell me that. It puts an incredible amount of pressure on me to perform, to fake it.
I am good at faking it, and can act my way out of most things, however, my parents want me to go to their house the day before her birthday, so I can wake up for my mums birthday breakfast, then spend the day with the family and then hang out afterwards, and stay the second night. I would ususally be happy to do this and love to do everything I can to make my mum's birthday amazing, but right now, I don't know if I can pretend that long. And I'm not sure if I want to. Is that horribly selfish?
My sister always gets out of long commitments or overnight stays because she has a family and a dog and always has to get home for some reason or other, so she is never expected to do more than just the lunch part. I resent this and find it incredibly unfair that the burden is always on me, just because I am single with no kids.
I have also recently fallen out with my nephew and his girlfriend because I sent him an friendly text encouraging him to see his mum a bit more, my sister. She had been upset that she hardly ever saw him so I sent him a text basically saying it would make my sister so happy if he could try and see her a little more often. He was offended by my text, said I was interferring (which I suppose I was) but then sent my text to his girlfriend. She gets pissed off with me, thinks my sister and I have been talking behind her back, and gets the hump. She then calls my sister AND my brother-in-law to complain about me. All from a two-line text to my nephew. So, now my nephew and his girlfriend are pissed off with me, and my sister thinks I betrayed her confidence.
I have apologised to all parties involved with phone messages (not texts), and have said everything is my fault (even though I don't believe it is! Mountains and molehills!). And even though my sister is now fine with me, as of today, I haven't heard from my nephew or his girlfriend. Not one word or text, accepting my apology, saying we're fine, a few days before we are all going to be sitting together for my mum's birthday. I'm now pissed off with them, because it could all be nipped in the bud if they bothered to be in touch. Nothing infuriates me more than reaching out to someone and it not being reciproacted.
Anyway, I don't want to be spending 48 hours in my parent's house when I'm feeling so vulnerable and will have to resort to ridiculous small talk with them in case I say something wrong or deign to mention I'm struggling. And I don't want to sit around a lunch table staring at my nephew and his girlfriend who have not accepted my apology. The whole thing is giving me the worst anxiety.
I'm now also wondering how to get out of Christmas!!! xxx
Written by
Jules13
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11 Replies
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That's a tough one! My coping mechanism in that case would not be healthy. I use to drink and could ruin a family get together pretty quickly. Other times I have avoided family get togethers completely because I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I would limit the time you have to spend together. Skip one of the activities and avoid the two night stay over. Make an excuse if you have to. I know avoidant behavior isn't the right answer. In my own family I have a 3 day maximum get together for vacations etc. Do what you must for your sanity. Good luck
But it's my mother's 80 th birthday... I don't know what possible excuse I could up with to tell her I can't stay. I'm unemployed too so cant use a work excuse.
I'm so worried about exploding. Holding things in, pretending everything is fine, is ok for an hour but a whole day?
Normally, whatever normally means, I'd be fine, but because they won't let me talk about my mental health they dont know why I'm struggling so much. My mum and dad are so repressed, they almost say, 'Just suck it up.'
What about the whole nephew and his girlfriend thing?
Don't dwell on the nephew and girlfriend. You and your sister are ok. Just be cordial. I would still figure out a way to get out of the first night which seems unnecessary unless you live far away. I feel your pain.
If you can’t tell them no, ask for help with the arrangements or say we’re doing this my way this time, tell them you have covid this time. The nephew thing will eventually subside. You’ve apologized, now the ball is in their court. I have a family reunion coming up that I’m almost dreading. Still deciding if I’ll go. My family will have to take it or leave it with the reasons if I don’t go. I’ve had to fight being a people pleaser all my life. I felt it was my responsibility for people having a good time and the pressure was unbearable as time went on. I learned how to finally say no and create boundaries for my own health. Being a peacemaker doesn’t mean being a doormat. You could send flowers, presents, cards and FaceTime your mother in lieu of your presence. It’s still sometimes difficult to say no for me, but it gets easier after that first time. I also had therapy to help me begin the process. The celebration won’t fall apart because you’re not there. You will be surprised how resourceful everybody will be to bring it together. 🍀
That's so true. I've actually begun the process of saying no too but this time just seems impossible. I'm a people pleaser too. Hate letting people down and disappointing but yes, I also have to take care of me. Thank you so much for taking the time to write x
The ironic thing is my mother has bipolar but refuses to talk about it. She is the most repressed person I have ever met, but by not ackwodledging her own mental health, she cannot understand mine. My dad refuses to talk about it either and I feel I am completely editing myself when I'm with them. I've decided to tell them I'm spending the whole day with them but not staying the night. We see each other once or twice a month anyway, we arent the sort of family where we have a massive get together once a year. x
I understand. It's never the best thing to get involved with family squabbles, it just sets you up to be the one everyone in the family throws stones at (metaphorically).
I can see that your parents are trying to be understanding in their own way, by inviting you for two days, but I can see you don't want to spend too much time with the whole crowd, especially with the current antagonism.
Could you organise a Flu bug, maybe (avoidance, for sure!), just before your Mum's birthday? Tell her you'll be over as soon as possible afterwards, but you don't want to bring anything infectious into the house?
They may suspect, but be unable to prove anything.
It's the only thing I can think of to keep you Relly-Free for those two days.
Hahaaaaa I've thought about every excuse under the sun, but I'm just going to tell them I'm going to be there for the lovely day but not spend the night. x
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xx
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