I try to fix others because I can't fix myself.

[Jules13]

I've been told by my sister (and a few others) that I have a tendency to try and fix people. It is not necessarily a criticism, but sometimes it massively backfires.

I give advice, often when it's not asked for, and if someone mentions an illness, an ailment, or a problem, then I try and come up with a solution. I sometimes interfere when its not warranted because I think I'm helping but it is sometimes the worst thing I can do.

A recent example is texting my nephew (who's a busy chef aged 24) and suggesting he try and ring or return my sister's texts a little more often than he does. My sister had been in tears earlier in the day, saying she never heard from him, so I took it upon myself to give him a gentle nudge. I'm close to my nephew, and message him often, so I didn't think it was a big deal. The text was lighthearted (I thought) but as with texts, it was read and then judged. He thought I was having a go at him, got angry and then forwarded the text to his girlfriend. The girlfriend then got angry and upset and called both my sister and my brother-in-law separately, crying and shouting on the phone, saying how I was interfering and criticising and how guilty I made them feel. So, then I had my sister crying at me for betraying her trust, my brother-in-law cross with me for going behind my sister's back, and it's all gone to shit!

I have rung and apologised to everyone involved and said it was totally my fault. But here's the thing. I don't really believe I should be apologising as much as I am. And it's made me angry now too. Firstly, I was only trying to help. My nephew really shouldn't have shared my message, and his girlfriend shouldn't have involved herself (it has absolutely nothing to do with her). She certainly should not have called my family when she knew it would upset them and make it worse. It's like a mountain and molehill situation but I have come off looking like the bad guy.

And even though I have profusely aplogised I have had not one reply from either my nephew or his girlfriend, accepting it or not, which I think is so rude and petty.

So... why can't I keep my nose out, why am I fixated on helping people, and why do I keep making the same mistakes?

[Blueruth]

I think it takes practice. You could think of your error as unsolicited. I did the same thing. I still have to practice staying out of it. For most things people have to come to the same place on their own. The worst is when it is damage such as staying in an abusive relationship. Just nothing you can do except let them know. A friend stopped talking to me for 10 years because I tried too hard to get her safe. She is still with him and her kids are passing on the same behavior. It is unfortunate.

[Jules13 in reply to Blueruth]

oh god that's awful. Yes when advice goes on deaf ears repeatedly, then you have to stop x

[Blueruth in reply to Jules13]

By the time you see it they have been brainwashed for a while so now you are competing with someone that has a lot of influence. It takes on average 7 times for a woman to leave an abusive relationship before they leave for good. My friend was never that strong mentally. She always had to have someone to lean on. That made her a good target. I ultimately ended up cutting ties because she triple downed on some offensive views that I could not support.

[Jules13 in reply to Blueruth]

Ohhh how sad, I'm so sorry xxx

[hypercat54]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions! I used to be the same as you and tried to fix things and people and got the same reactions as you did. People do things for all sorts of reasons and as you don't necessarily know these they feel 'judged' by you.

I learnt in the end that it's not my job to 'fix' people and now never give advice unless asked. And yes it's common to fixate on other people's problems to avoid dealing with your own. Start dealing with them is my advice. I know that's easier said than done but it's the only way. Perhaps therapy would help you?

I found my life was much better when I dropped the 'control' aspect too!

[Jules13]

I'm having therapy right now... only three sessions so far, but I think she will be interested in how I've handled this, or not handled it! And yes, analysing the situation again today, it takes a lot for me to admit that I might have done something wrong. I can always try and turn it around as if I'm the victim again.

[designguy]

I think it's much easier for a lot of us to try to fix others than fix ourselves because then we have to take a good hard look at ourselves and it's usually stuff that we want to avoid or disavow. It's also oftentimes complicated because of the blocking from our subconscious as to what is really behind our motivations.

You might ask yourself what do you gain by fixing others and also what are you trying to avoid about yourself by fixing others. Sounds like fun, huh.

[gramabrenda]

Dear Jules13,

You asked why do you try to fix people and why do you keep making these mistakes. I can’t tell you this but I can tell you what happened to me.

When I heard someone had a problem I instantly thought I was supposed to find a solution. I am like you, it caused problems and I didn’t know how to stop. I received some teaching on the ministry from Elijah House on Performance Orientation and I realized this is me.

God showed me how my Mother had taught me from a very young age that it was my responsibility to solve her problems by constantly asking me “Brenda, what are we going to do.” I had been her substitute mate after she and my Dad were divorced. She had inadvertently burdened me with a responsibility that was not mine to carry. She had mistakenly laid the responsibility of making her decisions and solving her problems at age five. I prayed and submitted this to God for healing.

It was sometime later, when she was on her deathbed and I spent the night with her. It was late at night and neither of us could sleep. In talking about her present situation about some decisions she had made, she said,” Brenda, what are we going to do.? I replied Mother, “I do not have a clue.”

I instantly and quite literally felt something snap. I soon realized that when someone presented me with a problem I didn’t have to be the one to solve it. I could listen and pray with them but I no longer felt that was my responsibility. My false responsibility no longer had control over me.

I don’t know if this helps you but I pray that God will help you to find your own answers. We are not God and fixing the world is not our responsibility except for things that He shows us to do. This is really a sin problem and God has already taken care of our sin problems when we accept Jesus as our Savior. If you don’t know about this you can call this number-855 382 5433- and they will share with you about how to find God’s plan to help us. I will also be glad to hear from you and will answer back. I am praying for you to find the answers that you need and to be released from this faulty behavior. You are precious and it sounds like you have a lot to offer the world when you are able to put yourself in the hands of the God, who created you and has a plan for your life. I pray that you find the answers you need. God bless you.

[Jules13 in reply to gramabrenda]

Hi there, and thank you for sharing. I respect your religious beliefs fully but for me, what resonated was you saying, 'we don't have to be the ones to solve other people's problems but can just listen with them.'

I need to stop trying to fix others, especially when they don't ask for it (like your mother did with you) and I just need to be there for them.