Can a relationship survive after a betrayal? I’m having a hard time forgiving my partner, I want to for the sake of our family but it’s extremely hard. Any tips?
Betrayal: Can a relationship survive... - Anxiety and Depre...
Betrayal
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Hope202030
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If you personally feel betrayed then it is not good for you to continue to think about it, you need to do what is best for you. You are the most important and sometimes family has to be put to the side so that you can be your best self. When I have a situation where I feel i have been wronged i like to think about the situation from an outsiders point of view. What would you do if you were somebody else? Hopefully that helps!
We were together for over 12 years, I spent over a year single and working on myself. We decided to give it another try after the betrayal but it’s really hard for me. I thought I was ready, but I’m not.
My wife cheated on me three times and the second time was with a very close friend and their relationship lasted over 3 years. We are still together and our relationship is better than it has ever been but this sh!t took a lot of hard, hard work and therapy. We separated for 8 months and got divorced but latter let the time elapse.
But I am definitely not suggesting you stay in a toxic relationship.
I have a Christian faith and come to understand that as sucky as it was… my situation with my wife, was in a very toxic codependent relationship that, through my faith I believed the Lord was setting straight. I had zero hope that it would work out but by doing the work I believed I was needing to do on myself and for the sake of our 3 kids. Tons and tons of things started to change.
I began to have empathy for my wife, not as my spouse but as a broke lost soul. Still at the same time she was transforming as well and growing up. After 17 years of marriage her selfish stony cold hard heart started to break. My forgiveness of her actually equated to a form of unconditional love that she never experienced before and one that I myself am still seeking. Today my wife is nothing like the person I married. It is really unbelievable to see the change in her. I have zero anxiety about pleasing her today. Our relationship is one of gratitude rather than obligation. Plus we have the 3 kids and they are all now young adults and we all have such amazingly transparent and close communication.
But my youngest was diagnosed with cancer in September 2021, so now we are in a whole new surreal world of walking out paths I had hoped to never have to understand. So prays and warm wish are greatly appreciated.
I’m sorry you guys are going through that with your son, I’m sending prayers your way!! I know there’s a lot of work to do and sometimes it’s easier to just give up and start fresh but we’re giving this a try and work through things and hope for the best. I’m glad you guys worked things out, there’s hope.
Thanks for you your prayers and “Hope” was my main message.
I spent years feeling like there was no hope for our relationship. It did get better over night or with a week or month. The Bible verse… Be still and know I am God… was a something I had to constantly, hourly, minute by minute remind myself. Learning to relax and let go was so hard for me to do but was a great lesson I had to learn and still work on.
I will pray and hope for you is to have peace and find even the smallest bit joy in the midst of such a challenging and rough storm.
Thank you so so much for that!! Peace is exactly what I need and want!
yes it can if we can forgive it doesn`t happen overnight but it can be done.if somethings worth saving save it but you need a bit of give and take as well.
I don’t know how to forgive him. I want to forgive but for myself, to be free but it’s hard.
I think it’s really hard to forgive someone who might do it again. If someone understands the pain they’ve caused you and can convince you through their words and actions that it won’t happen again, then you can easily forgive. But if you can’t trust that they understand or trust that you are safe from it happening again, how can you forgive?
The only option is time. Patience and time to let this person build back the trust they destroyed. Over time.
I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m not saying to just give up on your person. I can’t know what’s best.
In my situation, I couldn’t forgive until I felt safe that it would never never never ever happen again. Then I could forgive and let go from a place of strength.
Forgiving and letting your boundaries go to poop are two different things. Please go easy on yourself and forgive yourself, first, for not forgiving just yet, or forgiving in the way your person would like, or for trying forgiveness when someone else says not to. Forgiving yourself could be the most valuable forgiveness you ever give. 🦋
I’m sorry this happened to you. 😞
Thank you so much! I don’t feel safe, I don’t have peace, why? Because I know deep down that he’s able to do it again, this is the first time we’ve gone through this and one side of me wants to give it another chance, but one side doesn’t want to. I was on my own for over a year and it wasn’t bad at all but we decided to try again, I just don’t know I can do it.
Great insight. You’re torn in two. Yes, he can do it again. Anyone can betray. I watched a psychologist say that, once betrayal happens, there’s no going “back,” only forward. You can either forge ahead, both of you together with new eyes, new commitment, and a new set of skills, or you can end things. But the one thing you can’t do is go back, because that means nothing has changed and so it can all happen again. Couples survive betrayals of all kinds. It takes work from both partners in equal measure.
Is the work he’s doing on himself equal to the work you’re doing to forgive? If not, think about what small thing he could do to start to make you feel safe, and then ask him to do that thing. For example, John Gray (writer of Men are from Mars) suggests that a woman asks her man “Why do you love me?”
It raises a woman’s estrogen to hear the why (getting you hooked back onto him). And if you appreciate what you hear, and let him know, it raises his testosterone because men like feeling successful (getting him hooked back on to you). Imagine if he hugged you for a full minute everyday and repeated you why he loved you in that minute. And then you gave him an authentic loving response to that. After a month or so, you might feel safer, and in a place to begin to forgive.
Keep in mind: I’m super duper single and have yet to find a man to truly love (although to be fair to myself I recently watched these YouTube videos of John gray to understand men better). Those who can’t do, teach? 😝. ………take my tips with a grain of salt. ❤️
This has been the best advice I’ve ever received!! Wow! Thank you so much!!!! I’m speechless!!
I just don’t know how to deal with all of this. It was easier when I was on my own, because I didn’t have to worry if he was talking to the other person or not. I don’t want to live like this.
There’s a lot here to sort through.
I agree
I am here if you want to chat. 👍🏼😊
I do ☺️
You’re putting a lot of thoughtful effort into this, deciding whether to stay or go, and figuring out how to forgive.
Now for the tough question…
What types of things has he done to show that he is committed to the relationship?
He has been consistent with his actions matching his words. I told him that I appreciate what he’s doing to work things out but he hasn’t done any inner work, I have and I’m still doing it. There’s a lot that he needs to work on. I’m just so tired emotionally and mentally, I do want to work things out but I don’t at the same time and I really don’t know if it’s worth all of this pain.
I love your heart and understanding Opportunity. I believe you are spot on.
If they are the type of person who still likes the chase and the conquest, that will always be there, just add alcohol. There is so much temptation and opportunity to cheat in life these days. I have friends who are exactly like that. You need someone who is not like that. By the way I am a man.
I 100% agree with you. I stayed single for over a year, didn’t date anybody even though they were men just wanting a chance but I wasn’t ready. I want to be with someone that wants only me and nowadays that seems impossible, specially when they have been like that since forever 😞.
Well I was on the opposite side of this. I never ever cheated on my wife since I met her and after 16 years of marriage now we are separated (Her choice). She only saw the negatives in me and didn't stop to consider the positives. I think she has plenty of time to regret the decision.
I never cheated either. Our relationship wasn’t the best but I never did him wrong. I’m the beginning I asked him why he played me like that but I came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with you at all. Modern life is tough for everybody . To some people the grass is always greener on the other side. Until they get there that is🤗. For my wife she will have to replace a 6 figure income, private education for our daughter, skiing in the alps every christmas and florida in the summer. The is no satisfying some people. Good luck to her.
An indian doctor once told me that when you meet the right person it will not matter where in the world they are or where in the world you are. You will never worry about them cheating.
That’s so true. Among other things, I’ve learned not to force things. This situation is hard in many aspects. There’s a lot of healing to do and it’s hard to heal in the same place that broke me.
I was taught that forgiveness is one thing but reconciliation is another. The person who was the betrayer does not get to stay until they go and do the work they need to do and reform. In many codependent relationships that doesn't happen because we don't want to be alone. However if they don't reform the relationship is doomed to fail and more pain in the end. (Been there done that.)😣Praying for God's wisdom and peace.💗
I told him that he needs to seek professional help as an individual and us as a couple. That’s my last try. I was alone for a good while and I was emotionally fine but after decided to give it a try it has been extremely hard for me because I don’t trust him at all after what he did.
I understand, trust has to be earned.
You may never forget the betrayal. But you can forgive. Dig deep & let it go.... you'll feel freed. The person who did the betraying on the other hand will face the karma of their actions.🧚♀️
It took me almost a year to finally let go of the pain and find myself. I accepted what happened but then we decided to give it a chance and I feel I went back to starting line. I don’t like this feeling at all. I just want peace and I feel this is too much for me.
Some people just can't get past the betrayal,so now you have some decisions to make I suppose..... to do whats going to bring you peace.⭐
That is hard.. It also depends on the betrayal and if it happens more than once..
It only happened once, that’s why I gave it a second chance but it’s extremely hard. I’ve never gone through something like this.
Hi, let me give my cent. I am a husband who betrayed and was betrayed. I live in a better and thriving marriage today, with the love of my life (who happens to be the same one that I hurt and that hurt me). We'd realized that we were lost and we took this chance the grow as a mature couple, helping and caring for each other’s feelings.
Forgiving is a decision, not a feeling. As said above, you may never forget about the betrayal, although if you had forgiven, it will not hurt you anymore (it becomes part of your history).
Important questions:
What both of you were doing along this year you were apart? Did you lived as an “available” single person? Did you continue to act as a family, even not living under the same roof, or did you took this year to live your own life, to break free and enjoy it?
These and other questions are important to assess if you both give the same priority on reestablishing your relationship as a couple. Is he really repentant about his error, not only feeling ashamed because he got caught? Are you willing to forgive him?
Which changes are you both planning to sort things out together; to begin a v2.0 marriage, addressing everyday struggles before it can drive you afar from each other?
As mentioned above, you are different persons now, and if you want to live as a couple, you must work to build up a new relationship (the old one is rotten).
Thank you for this!! I moved out, found a place out of state and stayed there for over a year. He kept in touch the entire time because for some reason he didn’t want to let me go but he wasn’t single. He was doing his thing with the other person, me on the other hand, I stayed single, I was working on myself and finding me again. I asked him to let me go that way I could heal. We stopped talking for little while but he wanted to work things out. We were together for 12 years. He apologized to me so many times and seems sorry for the pain he caused me. I build boundaries and he said that I’m not the same person, which is true but he hasn’t change that much. Yes I can see he wants to work things out but I feel we need professional help because the trust is broken and it’s very hard for me.
Just remember that the old relationtiship is dead. And now you have two options:
1 - let it go for good; or
2 - build a new relationship.
Remember that option 2 comes with a new mindset demand and a lot of work to be done by both.
I had an eleven years relationship before I met my wife. I remember at least three times that we decided to part ways and take our time alone, and then we got back.
As I was the only one pushing our relationship forward, after some time I became tired and tossed the towel.
You will always face your internal struggles in life, no matter with who you are. They are your struggles. Remember that passion is a phase (where we pretend to be our best version) and sonner or later the novelty will pass and you will need to have someone on your side that may be far from perfect, but loves you and supports you (and you do the same to him). What you must decide together is: this is the person that you want to help and to receive help from, for the rest of my life?
Forgiveness is a decision and this includes the fact that you must build trust for that person again, or else you will live in a nightmare.
Beautiful ⭐
Hmm, that's a difficult one, your trust has been broken, the person you share everything with has done the ultimate betrayal, this now depends on how you want the future to be, you need to think are you going to worry or check on everything he does, are you going to believe him if he's running late, or goes out for a drink with the boys, what happens when you start having arguments in the future, are you going to use this as a constant reminder, it might just lead him to throw the towel in, then you'll be wondering why he cheated, in theory you shouldn't be asking yourself these questions, myself personally if you're with someone you should stay loyal and not go looking elsewhere, sometimes staying together for the sake of the family isn't always the best idea, peace of mind is better for the soul, but if you can find a way without arguments, and know that his behaviour isn't a jack the lad attitude to women, maybe you'll stand a chance, but only you know what your partner is like, best of luck 👍
Thank you so much 😊
I believe that such a relationship can survive, but might fare better if (i) the person who cheated chooses to tell their partner and/or (ii) the betrayed person is given time away to reflect. I worry about a relationship in which a betrayal is discovered and not disclosed and temporary separation is refused.
If betrayal proves to be a pattern, then perhaps the betrayed person should leave as soon as the pattern is established and the cycle can be seen.
I know what I'd do in nearly every case. But exceptions do exist.
Yeah, we separated for over a year. Lived in different states. There was always communication because he didn’t want me to “find” someone else 😒.
His constant communication sounds a tad manipulative if the purpose was to restrict you after he himself acted without any such restrictions. I've seen that in my own life and I tend to see it as a bad sign. But I hope your time away gave you enough distance for intuitive decisions and felt like a good thing to do -- as hard as the circumstances and separation must have been.
get a reeeeeeeeeeeeelly good counselor........i dont want to bias or steer u but betrayal is very hard to get through..........it is for me........(my doctor betrayed me many tmes.......for me ...........they are deal breakers - not into forgiving him or his staff who shoujld have known better) dont pretend to be objective or an expert..........
I don’t know. My relationship now is complicated. I have been with my bf 16+ years. About 12 years ago I caught him “online cheating “ with at least one woman on an online game he played. I kicked him out and he got his own place but we still seen each other and he REALLY sucked up and swore he would NEVER do such a thing again. Fast forward to about 4 or 5 years ago, I had a gut feeling to check his phone and sure enough I caught him again talking dirty etc. To women on a Facebook Yahtzee game of all things. After that I was done emotionally, he basically proved to me once a cheater, always a cheater.
I stayed because I have to… for now. I have ZERO love for him and we basically live as roommates. I don’t trust him whatsoever and have no respect for him as a bf or a man.
Maybe some people do change but I think it’s rare.
I do think is rare too. Specially when we give them another chance. This is the first time I’m going through this and one thing I know for sure is, that if he does it again, that would be the last time, because this is the only chance he gets.
Well after the first time I was able to get past it only because I was addicted to a video game (world of Warcraft) and kinda blamed myself but as soon as my gut told me something was going on I checked his phone and sure enough. I know most people don’t like their significant others going through their phone but I for one don’t understand that.. I don’t care if someone I’m dating went through it, unless it was an annoying jealous thing where they check everyday or question why you talk to friends or family so long or other crap like that.
I’d make it known to him that you will be keeping an eye on him and if he betrays you in any way then you’re gone.
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