Terrible betrayal today

[Caldreamer]

I have had to cut out most of my family because they are toxic. Today I made the painful decision to cut out the remaining few. I'm tired of the abuse and neglect and disrespect. This is triggering more panic and I have 2 stressful appointments tomorrow Monday. Any help or insights?

[Natsteveo]

Hi Caldreamer i totally understand where your coming from ive disowned all my family because of things that have happened thats unforgivable for me so the onky fam i have left is my husband and daughter they all i need.you have enough on at the min u dont need anymore stress just concentrate on you take care

Love Nat

[Hidden]

Oh dear this is certainly a very painful decision but I do emphasise with you. I coped with my toxic family by clearing off to London on my own at 18 far away from them all. From this safe distance I did keep in touch with them by telephone and letter but it was under my control.

For the next 22 years I only saw them twice a year - in the summer and Christmas but no more than 3/4 days at a time coz that was all I could stand. I did move back then but the difference was I was a adult and able to hold my own. I had to teach them to respect and follow my boundaries. I did come to some sort of peace with them in the end.

My parents are both gone now and despite everything I do miss them a lot.

Maybe just cut them out for the time being and reconsider letting one or two of them back in in time? Are they all equally toxic?

Good luck with that anyway. You have to put yourself and your needs first. You have to seek love and approval from others, your own family and friends. .

[Bear-Little]

May I ask why? My mother is gaslighting me ny whole life and destroyed my feelings about others signifikant people.

[Caldreamer in reply to Bear-Little]

Why? Lol well that's a book. I think the best way to answer is I have forgiven so much over the years and now I have reached my limit. I'm too old and life is too short for me to waste any more energy. I lo e them but I need to save myself.

[Mosaicofmothers in reply to Caldreamer]

Keep doing what is best for you!!

I commend you on having the strength and courage to eliminate toxicity.

I pray to have the courage to do so. My mom and partner almost blend into the same criticism moody entity some days.

My mom can be such a lovely person but then be such a major jerk. When I know she is in a bad mood I am just thankful I do not have to be physically around her.

My partner however is moody most days where he will call me names or criticize me all day on housecleaning/driving etc. He has asked me many times to choose between my friends or him and gets angry if I don't do what he tells me...

[Caldreamer in reply to Mosaicofmothers]

That sounds very stressful! How do you deal with both of them!

[gogogirl in reply to Mosaicofmothers]

Why hang with someone who calls you names? You deserve better!

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

Also, I hope that you are not dependent upon him financially, and if so you can find a way for yourself that is better.

[gogogirl]

I hope that you have other support systems. I am here.

[gogogirl]

Another question: Have you been there for these toxic people

[Mosaicofmothers]

It is really tense here right now. I felt ok when he wasn't here but now he is here and is being really loud washing dishes and mumbling things under his breath.

If I had a trigger I would say being around him is one. He keeps muttering "digusting".

I feel sad and I am taking this treatment because I don't want to have my kids exposed to having police here again.

Earlier I thought about how things would be easier if I was dead...again...

I imagine my dead relatives coming to take me away from this situation.

Every slam of objects he slams it makes me more afraid and anxious. I think he makes it hostile as a means to intimidate me.

[gogogirl in reply to Mosaicofmothers]

As I said- you deserve better. I know it;s easier said than done, but no one needs an abuser. You were not born to be abused.

[Mosaicofmothers in reply to gogogirl]

The situation today was a learning point as well.

I ended up having a panic attack.I never realized before that panic attacks don't always necessarily mean "not being able to breathe" or "feeling as if I am having a heart attack."

Today's panic attack looked like this:

Me raising my voice telling him to go away, get out.

Overwhelming feelings of wanting to escape.

Suicidal thoughts (although I would not act on them). I more or less start thinking that everything would be better without me.

Throwing things on the ground.

Crying.

Because I felt at threat I called a relative and texted a friend.

He just says things very harshly and I am really sensitive. So rather than being able to respond calmly I can sometimes go into flight or fight mode and just end up having a panic attack.

Anyway just thought I would share.

[Mosaicofmothers]

I still feel resentment towards him though and do not want to stay with him any longer.

He is so frustrating. He will never willingly leave. It is like he forget everything and it is ok for a while and then he will start speaking to me in a condescending way and criticize and start swearing/profanity and grumbling/yelling/name calling/ slamming things.

Then he cries at the mention of me wanting to break up. Acts affectionate.

This cycle has been going on for 15 years.

WhenI point it out to him he denies or gets angry and defensive.

His favourite "go to" is now saying "it's hard living with you and your anxiety."

Like as if I am privileged that a man would even want me other than him...

[gogogirl in reply to Mosaicofmothers]

Sounds like he is a big part of the cause of the anxiety. I hope you find a way to have a better life.