Feeling Ver Lonely and Down

[Amaya07]

Hello everyone,

I have had depression fir over 30 years but mostly is was controlled and I functioned fine.

I got COVID early last year and am a long hauler.

Since I had COVID moderately bad but was able to stay at home.

I was terrified and for a person with an anxiety disorder it was exceptionally scary.

I am alone and my family didnt offer any real support.

I asked my grown son to call an make sure I was "still breathing."

I called my son when I got really frightened with the breathing and my heart feeling like its going to jump out of my chest and called my son crying, his reply was "well what do you want me to do, go to the hospital," and from COVID forward I no longer responded to my antipressants and becsme paralyzed with free flowing anxiety and have been going through very bad depression for over a year now 4 medication changes ...i am starting number 5.

I was hospitalized for 5 days in July I could not stop crying and had suicidal tendencies.

I was told by my son "I did it for attention. "

I was speechless ! So the hurts just kept piling on.

Not 1 member of my small but former close family asked how I was or has since.

I will just say I have no family support and few close friends near.

My son and his wife pretty much dont contact me and told me this is my "fault."

I created this situation.

My depression has started me on video slots as I guess when I am feeling so down I try to drowned my pain in a self defeating bad habit that makes the situation even worse.

I guess because I am having such a tough time working even remotely I asked if my son might be able to help me financially a bit and stated he has "done enougjh," and got very cruel.

I know I cant afford and dont want to play slots and had been going to gamblers anonymous and asked my son if he would please speak to the group leader (she thought it might be beneficial) or a gamanon meeting to help understand this addiction that like any addiction can go with depression.

He wanted no part if it.

Son got angry with me so now I cant even see me grandson who will be 5 next month and was very close to him most of his first 4 years.

My heart is broken💔

So I am here for support, I feel very alone and also to see other people's stories they are sharing as well.

I feel like I have been living in hell off and on for over a year.

Now starting Zoloft.

Today was very bad feel like I am stuck in the well I cant crawl out of.

If anyone can relate or wants to comment, I appreciate the input.

Thanks for reading this.

[Dolphin14]

Hi

Your post is full of so many reasons why you feel the way you do. Long Covid is not understood by many people, I've heard some of the symptoms can be rough and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Sounds like there is a history between you and your son. But if he won't seek counseling with you it's going to be hard to get him to understand your issues.

Addictions like gambling are cover ups for the pain, I went the work a holic route. If I worked I didn't have time to think of the deeper issues.

Missing your grandchild is a huge hit. I have 1 grandchild and have been separated at times for various reasons. The pain and depression that leads to is all consuming.

My suggestion is continue your therapy. Give yourself a push to get to work. You can't change your son but you can help you.

🐬

[Hidden]

It's okay not to be okay. Reach out for any kind of support you can get.

[Isinatra]

Hello. ☺️Long hauler here, too. Caught covid 16 months ago. My 3 siblings never ask how I’m doing. My friends dont either. They think it’s funny that I’ve lost half a head of hair from it. I have chronic fatigue, a cough that won’t go away, but I finally was able to breathe without it hurting,etc. etc. etc.. Like you, increased depression because covid has changed my life, maybe forever. People can’t or won’t understand until they get sick or live with someone that has it. I hope the Zoloft will help. Keep going to the meetings for your gambling. I understand not only about your covid, but addiction as well. Your son doesn’t want to be your enabler to keep gambling. It’s tough love, but it’s love. 💖

[Roxylox in reply to Isinatra]

I don't think you complained much at all on here about your long Covid Isinatra. How mean they think it funny about your hair loss.! Very traumatic for you , sympathies.

[Isinatra in reply to Roxylox]

Thank you,Roxylox. If I benefited from talking about the covid thing , I’d be talking non stop. Theres only treatment, not a cure yet for long haulers. The treatments didn’t help me at all. So I try to give support to other long haulers instead. Sometimes I don’t engage, though, because my experience with covid isn’t very uplifting.

[Roxylox in reply to Isinatra]

Aw, that's understandable, and of course it is the unknown. Wd are always willing to listen if it helps though.

[Isinatra in reply to Roxylox]

🙏

[Amaya07 in reply to Isinatra]

I am so sorry you are going through so much and how cruel to be made fun of but that is what I have/am going through with the depression and cruel jokes/barbs from my son.

My son is 40 years old and if I had his emotional suppost I don't think I would have these urges to play video slots and act on them , an addiction will always be there.

I asked my sister as well to just be there for "emotional support" her answer was, "I think it's better we have no contact."

I havev done nothing criminal or horrible!

I could not fatham saying that to her or my son.

But then our relationship the past 30 plus tears has been her verbally abusing me and me taking it.

So many tears 😢 😭

When my son is cruel to me ...well lets just say its a trigger and I know I have free will but when I was around my grandson and was spending time with them almost every or every other weekend, i did not have the urge to gamble I was not depressed and had gone through 2 hip replacements in a year and a half.

So ...its very complicated my family dynamic and I have a counseling once a week.

I know there is co-dependence I have realized I had this and separation anxiety since childhoid.

Thank You for reading,

I sure hope there is some help for you soon. People that aren't Long -haulers from COVID dont understand or get it.

Good Karma ... sent your way 🙏

[Isinatra in reply to Amaya07]

🙏

[Roxylox]

I would say too that perhaps your son has past issues with you, maybe related to the gambling. Maybe he has put up a wall to protect himself, just a theory.

I would still say his treatment of you is harsh though, not being sympathetic to your very valid health issues.

I know what it's like to lose the respect of a child, also grown. In my case I think, I hope, it was only temporarily.

Every good wish to you Amaya07.

[Amaya07]

You are correct. They started when was living with him after my 2nd divorce from a tramatic divorce.

No matter how hard I tried to helpfull or cook ir clean the house, i could do no right he yelled at me for something.

So already being "damaged." The casino became a refuge.

He never gave me nir did I borrow from him any money.

He has and with me from childhood. When I divorced his dad fir valid reason's who is now successful and wealthy.

You can fill in the dots pretty easy.

Thanks for listening Roxylix... Goid Karma sent your way ! 🙏

[Roxylox]

My word, it seems like he drove you to tje gambling. I do thorougly sympathise.My eldest girl nowlives and works away from home, but we used to have all-out war. Nothing would please her ! Not so with the other 2.

Even now, tbough she only comes home every couple of weeks, by day she is cranky and critical. I'm afraid l can lose my temper rapidly being at the receiving end of such treatment. Yet like the little girl in the nursery rhyme, when she's good she's very, very good.

The fact that you were already damaged when your son treated you like this makes things all the more hurtful

[Amaya07 in reply to Roxylox]

I was a victim of physical and verbal abuse prior to moving in with him , but was told,"I choose him ," Just to add to the mux I was in the middle if a mall shooting on 12/12 2012 in Oregon a young guy walked right past me with an assault rifle abd started shoiting a few yards forward abd out into the mall several people died.

So there for the grace of God go I.

I was told "get over it, your alive."

Which is true and many people go through much more in life and move on .

Look at Holocaust survivors I am sure many were never the same and many went on to live productive and wonderful lives despite the trauma.

I think for me I tried so hard to get emotional support from people I loved and it just wasn't coming.

I watched my sister comfort her friends alcoholic brother for years.

I didnt even get a "how are you doing" when hospitalized in June/July.

Thanks for reading and I appreciate the comments.

[lisa40509]

I’m so sorry you are having to struggle with so much right now. I haven’t had COVID, but I live in terrible fear of it , not that it’s the same. I hope that you continue to cultivate your own community of support. You are not alone. Sending you warm wishes & healing comfort.

[Midori]

Hello there,

I think your son and the rest of your family are being cruel to you. What happened to family togetherness?

I don't understand why he would be so unkind. You didn't get Covid deliberately.

Unfortunately all I can be is a supporting person here, but I will do that for you.

Cheers, Midori

[cbgrace1980]

Hi,Thank you for being brave and posting exactly how your feel. I think your son doesn't know how to process what's going on, and he just needs more information. Please continue going to counseling because that will be the most beneficial thing in my opinion. Let your doctor know exactly how you are feeling so that you are both on the same page. COVID has been a real struggle. I suffered through having COVID alone and it was very isolating. You are not alone; we are here for you!