It seems like an age-old cliche to reach your twenties/thirties and suddenly the urge to "find yourself." On TV it's usually depicted through a summer-long backpacking excursion in Europe. The person finds themselves in the world, either literally and figuratively, and with a fresh perspective and a renewed sense of confidence. For a lot of people, I imagine to lose your sense of self feels like putting on the wrong shirt and to fix it, you simply change. I imagine the people who feel confident in who they are also feel trapped.
I live with Borderline Personality Disorder and for the past (almost) 10 months, I have been effectively frozen in place by severe identity disturbance. My identity, who I am, what I stand for, what I love, what I hate has always faded in and out of my understanding and each time with new colors or designs. This has been true since I could remember.
However, like living with a mild form of anxiety until the moment you experience your first full-blown panic attack, I lived with my lack of identity until an event triggered it into a much more serious issue.
There are four factors of identity disturbance, particularly with those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder:
1. Role Absorption - defining yourself with one singular role or cause. For me, I will become hyper-focused on the roles I assume. I started working as a housekeeper this summer to make ends meet while I addressed my mental health... One month into it and my entire home was reorganized and set to a rigorous cleaning schedule.
2. Subjective Incoherence - constant changes with sense of self. One moment, I am smiling and proud of how wonderful a mother I am. Sometimes less than an hour later, I will be distraught and depressed thinking of how my daughter will be ruined because I am the worst mother.
3. Objective Incoherence - inconsistent thoughts, behaviors, or feelings. This one I struggle to distinguish clear differences from subjective incoherence, but in my own words, it's my inability to stick to one track of thought regarding myself. In one moment, I am frustrated with my education, the next I think my financial status is more important. I never feel settled with one goal or one line of thought.
4. Lack of Commitment - with jobs, values, relationships, etc. The most simple to understand, and the one factor almost anyone can relate to. I held a career for 6 years (honestly very surprised in that itself), but when tragedy struck 10 months ago, I have been unable to hold down a job for more than 2 months before quitting. Similarly, I've changed religions multiple times.
I tend to reside in a state of analysis paralysis - contemplating who I really am, what I really want, and what will make me proud 10 years from now. Of course, this isn't to mention the long list of painful symptoms involved with having BPD, but it is the one that I have found most enlightening given the events of the past year.
The problem is I don't know how to break the perpetual cycle of incoherence, and I'm really starting to think that I should pick up a backpack, head to Europe, and see if my identity was there all along.
I am the great pretender 
Why am I like this!!!
I am a shitty person 
Visual disturbances: 'nerves' or organic.
I, too, am still struggling
