My Pandemic Tale of Hope and Heart-break

[oldtimer159]

So, the pandemic hit and I came 8 hours away from my friends to my hometown where I don't have any friends and I am also not on really good terms with my family. Currently, I've been sitting in a small room in my house from 1.5 years. I got admission to pursue my masters during the lockdown and its been almost 1 year now that I'm doing that. In this time I've been very depressed and anxious. I've not been meeting any friends during this time and if anything bad happens in my life, it's just me and my head which is not a good place to be.

In this time, I met a friend in college who's a girl. We started chatting and then slowly moved to phone calls. We connected on a very deep emotional level and shared our happiness and sadness with each other. She's a very cool girl and I like her. So, during the last 8 months, we've been talking literally everyday. Either on call or on text and she's become someone I really care about. And it wasn't easy for me to do this because I'm an overthinker. Everytime she went with her friends out I felt very insecure like I'm gonna lose her and it hurt me a lot. After 1 year of talking, I finally got the chance to get out of this place and go meet her and my other friends. I wanted to ask her out on a date since a long time but we hadn't met even once so I didn't. She also had past relationship baggage and she hadn't moved on completely from it. So it was time that I meet her atleast once and show her that I exist so we can take that step forward or atleast think about the possibility.

She was so damn excited that I was coming to meet her. Much much more than me and said she'll make plans and all. But, I don't know what happened. She reduced her texting with me and still I was like 'she wants to reduce her screen time' or 'she wants to have stuff to talk about when we meet'. Basically, I didn't overthink it.

We met and it was good. It was like we weren't meeting for the first time. And I felt like she wasn't that eager to meet me like she sounded on the phone and that confused me. And I don't know if its just in my head or what but I felt like she had some barrier inside her like she wasn't completely there like she was restricting herself from being herself and being there with me completely. I felt like even if I liked her, it will take time for me to ask her out on a date because of the way she was that day. And I didn't know if it was her really or she was restricting herself. That made me feel really bad, like the meeting was dull and the happy and excited part that was there in my life vanished. It was so heartwrenching. I hadn't cried that much in my entire life as much as I did that night in the train. Her behavior and leaving my friends to be in this hellhole again without anyone and alone broke me.

I came back and 3 days later now the situation remains the same. She's barely texting me or talking like before. And she was like my only solace here at home day and night. Someone I could talk about everything and who'll always be there for me. But not being in connection with her hurts me and not knowing the reason hurts more. Our 'good morning and night' messages that were going continuously for almost 2 months have stopped. And I also can't help but imagine if all this is just in my head. So all this is really fucking my head up.

And in that she has a friend who had proposed her a year ago but she wasn't ready and now she's in contact with him because they live near each other. Her family also can accept him because he has money and has been friends with her not in a virtual world but physical one. So I'm like I'm losing her and now the threat has increased.

I was going to ask her about us dating but the way things are going and went, it feels like a distant possibility. I might even be in love with her. We connected with each other over one year without any problems of physical world like looks and all. We connected on a kinda emotional level and it sucks that there's a high possibility that it will never happen or I won't get another girl like that or she'll just go in a relationship with her old friend and I won't even have a chance. I wish things were clear between us.

Currently, I'm angry that she stopped contact like it was before, disappointed and sad that something so good in my life vanished. All this has brought back my depression and anxiety. It just hurts constantly.

And I can't believe how much I'm crying. In the past 7 years, I haven't cried more than once a year. And now in 4 days she's made me cry more than that. I just feel like there's no hope anymore.

Never thought a girl would break me like this. Talked with my friends and felt better but it still hurts. Thought of just asking her feelings and get done with it but its meaningless if I myself feel like its not the right time. Now even when things go back to normal 4-5 months later there's this hopelessness that things won't be the way they were with her before.

All this might be feeling like I'm asking for some relationship advice but that's not true. This stuff which was once my strength has left me broken a lot like never before. Just thinking that she won't be there anymore hurts like hell. I just wanted to share it and clear my head a bit while I do it.

Those who read all this, I thank them for reading my story. It means a lot to me.

[b1b1b1]

What was the difference in your ages?

[oldtimer159 in reply to b1b1b1]

Same age

[Midori]

The first person to reach out to you in years; I'm not surprised that you seem to have invested so much of yourself in this person. She is out there and free to date, but you feel unable to ask and now it seems you may have lost the opportunity.

OK, Before you can really love someone, you must first be able to be comfortable in your own self. Being diffident can be a turn off to some folk, so you need to work on yourself and get yourself into a more confident frame of mind.

When you get chatting with folk, find out what interests them and estimate if you can also be truly interested in the same things; if you can, it is a starting point on which to Possibly build a relationship. I say possibly, because nothing is certain.

Cheers, Midori

[oldtimer159 in reply to Midori]

I understand and agree with what you are saying. I am starting to work on myself. Its just difficult to ignore her as I have to see her and contact her with something or the else because we are in the same class. And that is really throwing me off. The absence of friends around me because of the pandemic makes me more insecure about losing her. So its just hurt throughout the day.

In my favorite book ' The fault in our stars' the lead character says, 'Pain demands to be felt'. I know I need to feel the pain and at the same time work on my life for staying happy without her which feels very difficult.

Thankyou for your response. I value it and it makes me feel less lonely than before.

[Midori in reply to oldtimer159]

Many of us are having Psychological issues due to Covid and the isolation it has caused.

I've been 'shielded' for 18 months, but luckily, I've been very busy setting up a new home from scratch, so I haven't gotten into the isolation depression. I moved from England into Wales, about 300 miles, which is quite a way for us!

[oldtimer159 in reply to Midori]

Its is a very good thing that you have something to keep you busy in this difficult time. Thankyou for sharing that.

[Daveacr1959]

Maybe she just needs a friend too, not a lover . Maybe you were always in the friends zone . Get 45-60 minutes of cardio exercise daily to produce endorphins that battle your anxiety and depression. Take a 5 minute pure cold shower to reset the vagus nerve Google it. Try to make a friend. I know what it’s like to be alone in a room so long

[oldtimer159 in reply to Daveacr1959]

Yes what you are saying is probably true. And I would've like to clear that with her about where we stand going forward. But pandemic messed that up.

And yes, I'm going to start exercising. I am also taking cold showers since 6 months now.

[Daveacr1959 in reply to oldtimer159]

I’m proud of you. You are doing good. You are doing good things. You are very strong in this time of loneliness due to corona.

[Blueruth]

Talking at a distance is different than in person. I tend to be shy if I know them online and then meet them. It seems new even though you have become friends. She may need to get used to the idea first. Let her take her time just like you would irl. If it is something else you can’t know it unless she tells you. Perhaps you can ask why she is not texting as much.

[oldtimer159 in reply to Blueruth]

I think you are right. I knew her for one year online and when we met it didn't feel like we have for the first time but it wasn't like we connected really well too. I did ask her subtly why she has disappeared but I didn't get a good answer so I left the topic. If she wants to talk she'll message. If she doesn't, there is no future anyways.

[Blueruth in reply to oldtimer159]

Think of it like the romance that happens in a foreign country. You go home an it’s completely different. You suddenly have to translate it into your regular life. I bet there are a lot of COVID-19 online romances. Cherish it as yours.

[oldtimer159 in reply to Blueruth]

Haha. That's a good perspective. Thanks for that.