Venting my struggle with mental/emotional well-being

[Mxrpheus]

Quick backstory. I contracted Covid in June of 2019 and seemingly recovered July 2020. In Nov. 2020 I developed parosmia as a result of Covid which has altered my sense of smell and taste to a point where familiar scents/tastes are now unpleasant and even repulsive. Back in Dec. I had a panic attack while at dinner because the familiar food I was eating tasted unpleasant as a result of my parosmia. This lead me down a crazy rabbit hole of am I dreaming/hallucinating, am I going to be stuck this way, none of this makes sense, etc. I calmed myself from my panic attack but dealt with anxiety/depression for about a month and a half. I spoke with a therapist in Jan and Feb. Between therapy, meditation, and natural vitamins/supplements, I got to a place where I felt like myself again. Feb through July I was fine.

Two Saturdays ago I was the movie theater and was triggered by jalapenos I put on my nachos. Similar to what happened in Dec., I registered a smell that I knew didn't equate to the familiar jalapeno smell and I felt a panic attack building up. I handled it a lot better at this time then I had in Dec. However, I felt myself leave the theater with a sense that something was off. I woke up Sunday and that feeling grew. By last Monday, I felt I was back in a similar place mentally that I was in December.

Currently, I am on a roller coaster of feelings both mentally and emotionally. I feel trapped in a fog/dream like state and at times disconnected from what is going on. Occasionally I get sweaty palms and feet. Even when I feel emotionally okay, this feeling of okay is still within the baseline mindset of feeling like I am in a cloudy foggy place. Even when I am engaged in activities, I feel my focus is primarily on how unusual I am feeling. I can say I do not feel as bad as I did in Dec., but I am still in a place where I feel trapped with no rationale reason why I feel this way.

I have the following self-defeating thoughts throughout my day: Why am I feeling this way again? Was it the almost panic attack? If so, why do I still feel this way? Is this even anxiety/depression? If not, what is it? Is there something physically wrong with me that no matter what I lack the ability to correct? Will this be the time I am stuck like this forever? My life seems good, relationship is good, my career is going well, despite this, why do I feel this way? If this is anxiety, and I've acknowledged that, why am I still feeling this way after a week? An initial intake I did with a mental health professional suggested I had generalized anxiety disorder, but the intake was conducted by video, why should I believe I have this disorder? Why should I believe anyone that I have a disorder if there are not tests being conducted on my brain to show me a defect? I don't want to have to rely on medication to feel better, will this be the moment I have to turn to medication? Am I weak for thinking about sharing all of this with someone? If I did have this disorder, why did I feel like myself for several months up until a week ago? What is wrong with me? How can I fix it?

I am able to cope by reminding myself I got through this similar issue in Dec. so it follows that with time I will get through this as well. Back in Dec. I was concerned that I would be unable to perform my duties in my employment, but that concern was proven untrue. So, I remind myself to find value in the fact that I can feel so off yet still perform satisfactorily. My mom says she prays for me though I am not religious myself. I live with my lady and she provides me with needed comfort and reminds me that I have her support. Despite these coping mechanisms, I still find myself focused on my self defeating thoughts, especially trying to wrap my head around exactly what it is I am going through and why am I going through it.

I am not looking for a fool proof action plan to get me back to feeling like myself. Though I would not turn down such a plan if it exists. I've never written out all these thoughts that cross my mind, so I hope that sharing this and putting it out into the world is helpful in any way. I am open to any suggestions to address these issues.

[b1b1b1]

I am certainly not a doctor, but it sounds like the panic is caused by something not smelling the way it should. This may be an after effect of covid. It sounds like your sense of smell has gradually improved, however, I would see an Ear Nose & Throat doctor to discuss this. He may be able to explain more about this issue and give you an idea of how long it will last.

You also mention a foggy feeling. I wonder if this is an after effect of the covid as well. You might discuss this with your medical doctor. I have read of others having similar symptoms after recovering from this virus.

Overall, though, it sounds like you have made a lot of progress in recovering from covid.