Triangulation and Silent Resentments

[mvillarreal]

Hi, everyone. I'm feeling kinda stuck right now. There's this dynamic in our family where my dad will trash talk my mom to me. For example, recently, he told me she was "way too high-strung" just because she was giving me advice on what to do next in finding a career. Or there was also the time when he told me that she's been angry for the last five years (which is totally not true; if anything, HE'S the one with the anger problem). When things like this happen, I end up feeling upset that my dad is being unfair to my mom, so I usually tell mom what he said, and then she feels angry and upset that he is talking trash about her to me, but she keeps it to herself because she's afraid she's going to get me in trouble with him for saying something. This dynamic really upsets me, and I've suggested that we go to family counseling, not only because of this but also because my dad has lost his temper before, and I wanted to ensure that it didn't happen again (in all fairness, this has gotten a lot better). My dad, however, always has some kind of excuse for why we can't do family counseling, and he feels like it's just going to be mom and I attacking him. It's very clear to us now that he WILL NOT go to family counseling (you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink). Right now, I'm thinking maybe an alternative would be to try ho'oponopono practice with my family, but I'm worried about this because it requires all of us (not just me, not just mom, not just dad) to put the needs of the family before ourselves, and my dad is very entrenched in individualism. Plus, it is technically a very spiritual practice, and while my dad believes in God and my mom is semi-religious, neither of them are that into spirituality. Should I still make a suggestion that we try ho'oponopono, or should I try something else?

[hypercat54]

No. What you do is be firm with your dad and tell him you don't wish to be his ear for complaints about his wife. Your father is being very childish here so you have to be the adult instead. His relationship with your mother isn't for you to solve but them so keeping out of it is by far the best way.

Tell him (only if you have to) that his relationship is with a partner and is totally different to yours as she is your mother. Refuse to be a pawn caught in the middle of their partnership dynamics as you don't want to hear it.

That's it. It might take a time for him to stop it but he will in the end, And don't forget you can always walk away with an excuse, or without one. My mum tried that one with me and in the end this is how I dealt with it, and it worked.

[mvillarreal in reply to hypercat54]

hypercat54 My only worry is that he won't react well to that. What if he gets really mad at me and explodes or something? Then what should I do?

[hypercat54 in reply to mvillarreal]

You can do it in a very non threatening way though first. Try humour then if that doesn't work try changing the subject. Then you can try saying things like 'Oh forget I promised to phone a friend now' or 'I have to go the toilet' or 'I'm starving and need to eat something' I am sure you can think of lots of things.

If all this doesn't work then maybe get your mum to talk to him? Are you scared he will hit you or something? If not then if he gets mad just say sorry I don't want to be in middle of your arguments with my mother and tell him it isn't fair' or something.

You have a total right not to be dragged into the middle of this so hold on to that.

[Chair1]

I feel bad for you. It must be very hard for you, and it makes me also feel guilty that I am doing the same thing...

I got divorced a couple of years ago, and things weren't pretty for a while- despite my pleadings, he refused to change, then became extremely angry when I told him it was over. I feel terrible that the kids were witness (or at least heard) some of this, and I soon became determined that no matter what the situation and how angry I was at the injustice of it all, I would not raise my voice or engage in arguments. The older children knew of some of our problems, but there are some things nobody knows and never will. I know they are still his children and love him and he loves them, but I really struggle with the fact that he gets away with some of the things he's done and I do catch myself saying things to the kids at times which are negative. I have literally raised the kids myself yet he takes full credit for all of it to anyone and everyone who'll listen. I'm getting better at only trying to say positive things, but I know I need to get past it and I just really, really hope I'm not making my kids feel as you do...

As a parent, I'm sorry to you and to any others we hurt by not being big enough to move past these things. Having terrible anxiety and depression (a lot due to my marriage), I know that if my kids were to say anything to me I'd almost be suicidal at the thought of being such a bad parent. I think we need to come to this conclusion by ourselves. Perhaps if you were to purposefully say something about your mother then say 'sorry, that was mean- I shouldn't say stuff like that,' it may just spark something in him.

I also remember my mother always complaining about my father, so perhaps it is a habit which has been passed down. She loves him to death, but I know that's what also contributed to me staying in my marriage so long- the only example that I knew was that marriage involved complaining but still staying in it even if you were unhappy. If nothing else, you could maybe choose to know that no matter what he says, you won't let it affect you and it may even be a habit, but you can choose to break that habit yourself for your future relationships and at least be aware of it.

I'm so sorry to have blabbed in your conversation! I don't know the family dynamic so may be horribly off the mark- I feel like I have badly combined some advice with a lot of venting about my own problems. I hope you do find peace, and realize that this may just be your dad's problem, and not necessarily yours or your mothers.

❤️