I’m doing okay so far

⚠️ there’s going to be a lot of rambling in this⚠️

Because of college I had to cut out my therapy on Monday’s. It’s been 3 weeks . I tried to move them to a different day but since Covid + the world is getting so much worse they don’t really have anything available they are completely booked out I believe I will do fine

I’ve picked up some art & cooking classes to keep my mind busy and lots of reading I even joined a gym. Even though the suicidal thoughts are still present I feel better than last year. The last thing I remember talking to my therapist about was suicidal ideation witch there are two forms of it: passive and active.

Passive suicidal ideation is kinda when you wish you were dead or that you could die, but you don't actually do or have any plans to commit suicide.

&

Active suicidal ideation, is not only thinking about it but having the intent to commit suicide, including planning how to do it.

I am considered active

I personally feel that if you can plan your entire life out, make goals and follow dreams there shouldn’t be anything wrong with choosing when you’re going to die and how you want to die unless a tragic accident happens or natural causes of death before your plans

I don’t see any point in my life living past 42 I am positive that I can accomplish everything I want to before then and then just dip out.

I like studying the Bible have been off and on for years of different religions never really took it to heart until 2018 when I attended several meetings of Jehovah’s Witnesses ,it has changed my perspective on a lot of things showed me the meaning of life ,my purpose and how beautiful creation is ,how important I am as an individual to God I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten about such peaceful people at one point I used to study and attend the meetings regularly until my uncle passed away then I searched elsewhere for comfort It didn’t work. even though I still feel like I don’t want to live in this system of things or the next I am well aware of these feelings and thoughts are part of mental illness just part of being imperfect. I love that there are several scriptures and examples in the Bible that help me get through my days I am so very thankful for that. I do occasionally get a lot of heat from work or just any individual for simply associating with this Organization and I honestly don’t care this is something that’s helping me way better than therapy. I’ve made a lot of progress and I’m proud of myself

[Pugglesworth]

If you're actively considering suicide please call your local helpline or get to an ER. Both places have the resources to assist. The national number in the US is 1-800-273-8255. It is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

We're not doctors or therapists here. I do know from experience that planning suicide is dangerous territory and signals a need for help. It's a marker that says 'I'm not handling this OK on my own.'

There is a path out of that mind loop, but it requires help.

Please get the help you need.

[Hidden in reply to Pugglesworth]

I appreciate your concern but I’m perfectly fine thank you ^_^