Another sleepless night.

[Tomjames]

Does anyone else find them self kept awake by stupid stressors only to be inflamed worse from the Pain across your body wishing it would end anyway possible? Always asking why “me”. And never knowing. Depression… anxiety… hopelessness… pain.excruciating pain…. But always fighting and still pushing forward. In 2012 I lost my brother and met my wife. In one year I gained a life time and lost a life. Between HIS suicide and years of bullies at home and at school. I have previously attempted to kill my self twice and have had more thoughts than sunny days. But seeing the destruction that suicide causes and feeling the feelings Iv felt I still vow to my wife I will never take my own life. She fears I will and expresses that I need help. I agree but at the same time I know in my soul that I couldn’t leave my family like that because no matter how depressed I get I know the only thing that helps is my wife and son…. Sorry for the ramble but I’m just wondering if there is anyone else out there that feels kinda like me? Some days I feel crazy but also the most sane person. Idk

[Rafiki11]

I hear you asking “why me?” I think that question comes from your heart. It is easy to feel isolated in your pain.

However, I’d like to suggest that loneliness, pain, and suffering are the experiences of every human. Some people more, some people less.

Your story reminds me a bit of my husband. I won’t disclose details of his story but I know he has dealt with teasing and discrimination over his appearance his whole life. His childhood home was tumultuous.

In September a few years ago, our daughter was born. The following February, our brother-in-law committed suicide.

My husband put the obituary on our fridge and it’s still there a few years later. It was my husband’s reminder to himself to never lose sight of what matters…character and family.

[Rafiki11]

I don’t think you are crazy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.

From your previous post, I remember that your parents were constantly intoxicated. Your parents told you that their adult problems were your fault. You were emotionally neglected and abused.

When you’re a child, you only exist in your mind as your mother says you exist. If your mother says your presence is not valued or noticed or that you are more of a bother than a blessing, your childhood self learns to be statue-like. Don’t feel. Don’t speak. Don’t act. Don’t think.

My guess is that your depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and even the physical pain are your brain’s responses to an unhealthy childhood environment.

There is a link between emotional trauma and painful disorders like fibromyalgia. Your brain is trying to make sense of the emotional pain.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

You are special and you are worthy! Just ask your wife! Ask your son because to him you are his world. Stand tall and be proud! Easier said than done. Create a mantra to repeat when you are feeling down like, I am special and I am worthy! When you are drilled things in your mind you start to believe them. Replace it with something positive. Look at how beautiful your child is. You did that. Beauty comes from you.