i've been really in a bad place for the last 4-5 weeks...
i've found myself obsessing about life in old age, and death - and i'm a generation away from old age myself!
i've been wondering why i can't seem to get death out of my head....
then ANOTHER relative - my aunt just died....
i guess this is the new way of life.... and i need to get used to it.
Aww I’m so sorry 😞
I'm sorry to hear you're in that part of life where you are losing the generation of family that raised you. I have been there for a while and it never gets any easier when an aunt, uncle, mother, father and cousins get older and get diagnosed with diseases or pass away. Don't stop living just because you are close to something you think is old. I thought old at 18 was 30, I thought old at 30 was 50, I'm almost to 50 and now old is 75 and over, and they have my most utter respect for everything they have lived through. I'm hoping to see 85 and over. Besides your only as old as you believe you are. I'm in my mind still in my early 30s. I hope this put your eyes open to how young you really are!! Gentle hugs 🤗🤗
I’m in the same situation except I’ll be 50 next month. My parents are ill and still n their 80s. I have two younger sisters who are evil so I feel very isolated. They won’t accept my mental health problems and actually punish me for it. I’ve accomplished some of my dreams but hardly enjoyed them due to severe depression and anxiety. So now I see 50 as the beginning of the end. I spent my 40s sick and depressed. So now I have no idea what to do with my life. I do feel like I’m in my 20s physically and look much younger than I am. But mentally and emotionally I might as well be dead. That’s how it feels. Like a death.
tyvm, FoF...
in my head, i bounce between 12 and 30 ... but w/ all my family dropping... and dealing with my recently widowed mother 3 days a week.... i've lately been feeling ALOT older.
and gained a first hand (without being IN that age demo) look at how much getting old sucks.
my advise.... which was the same advise my grandfather gave me 25 yrs ago.... don't get old. also having a couple of friends that are older - and getting near 70... they've given me that exact same advise...
.
seems to me - the votes are in.... do not get old. it sucks. 😬
I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your aunt. Yes, there comes a time in our lives where
the number of people sitting around the table on a holiday gets smaller. We lose our friends
which makes us more aware of our mortality. But we must always learn from these losses
by being grateful for the days we have been given.
We can't run from the inevitable and so we must embrace the time we have on this earth.
Enjoy moments of life and not focus so much on what we don't have to make us happy.
As I get older, I've learned to appreciate life more. I reflect back on who I've become through life's experiences, both bad and good.
I don't focus on death. I want to live and love right down to my last moment. 
xx
agora... TY so much... wise words...
tho in my current mindset... with people dropping all around me... i'm finding it very hard not to focus on death. it's all very depressing...
and i feel like my mom is sucking the life from me. i have to set better boundaries, and be vigilent about enforcing them. i barely feel like i have the energy needed...
💜💜💜xxx
PS:
as if things with mom haven't been taxing....
FIRST words out of her mouth when i told her about my aunt... and i quote:
"you're still coming on tue - right?"
do you hear that whoooshing sound??? that's my life leeching out....
I not only heard it but felt it in my own mind as well.
I wish I could say it gets easier....
There's always that one son or daughter who a parent will cling to
and you seem to be that dedicated son. Eventually, rules will need
to be put in place or you will run yourself dry.
hang on - i need to rehydrate in order to reply.... 
Never feel you need to reply...I understand xx
i know i don't need to... i WANT to!
i kno u understand... you're a beautiful person...
thank you. xxx
Going to call it a night but want you to remember something
and that is I believe in you. You will get through this difficult Chapter
of your life's story. One foot in front of the other. Each day is a new
learning experience that continues to make you grow emotional and spiritually.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself. You are here for a reason right now.
Play out this reason and don't worry about what will come next.
Time takes care of itself. What will be will be whether we worry or not.
Goodnight my friend. Believe in that Life will be good once again. xx
tx, agora...
i really hope you're right...
but i'm having trouble seeing that just now...
in last 3 days: looks like my well may be close to being done providing water; 1 of my cats is barely eating... has lost even more weight; and i fear is near the end of his journey.... and i'm really getting sick and fracking tired of death following me - and (a) not taking my friggin brother and/or (b) not giving me peace.
.
tomorrow - i go to dinner w/ my family, for the 1st time in 16 months (which will include my anti-vaxer nephew - which i have HUGE problems with) - a dinner my evil step mom is hosting - on the very holiday representing my just departed step-dad -which holiday - I'VE hosted for last 20 years - without so much as a "hey do you mind if i steal your holiday" ???? and times her event so i can't visit my mom - on her first father's day without my step dad! - a day that his "not biological, retarded" son may call to wish his not-real-dad happy fathers day - and my mom is incapable of dealing with him - and has yet to inform him that his not-real-dad has passed!!!!
and before anyone gives me spit about using the word i used - that's a legitimate medical term, that accurately describes the diagnosis of this 60 year old, with the brain of a 12-16 year old. so please spare me the flames.
.
suffice it to say - i haven't been in a great head-space; i've felt like i'm moving backward; life has chosen to chit on me all at once; my mom is stressing me to the point that i can barely keep from yelling at her. and i just feel like i'm sinking further into he!!'s hole. i just want out.
.
told mom about my cat; and i have a vet appt on tues - which will delay my arrival at her house - and she knows about my well problem; and is worried that if i can't get the well people out here on mon - that my visit with her will be further impacted.
she wants to run thru every possible scenario on how next week will play out - and when i explain i can't predict the future - and she will have to wait and see - she then asks if i can guarantee that i'll spend 3 days there even if they're shifted....
i start loudly explaining to her - that i can't guarantee ANYTHING!! i can't guarantee my step mom doesn't die on tues - and it screws up the entire week! i can't guarantee I DON'T DIE on tues - and it screws up all the rest of her weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so then she asks me what time i'm leaving for my step-mom's - so she can know when it's OK to call me. to which i loudly repeat for the 1000th time - "mom - call me whenever the frack you want - if i can talk i'll answer, if not i'll call you back" - WTF part of this statement are you having trouble remembering?????????
.
i can't get CHIT DONE during the 3 days i'm with mom. and i have more of my own chit piling up - which honestly wouldn't be so bad if only that pile would suffocate me, and put me out of my misery!!!!
.
i have no one i can talk fully openly with - not that talking to anyone would seem to do anything to help me. i need to get a new therapist, cause i'm really getting fed up w/ present one. but i don't have the energy or ability to do anything i'd like to do - let alone need to do - which really doesn't matter - because there's NOTHING i want to do right now, other than crawl in a hole and expire.... which i would GLADLY do, if i had a guarantee that i'd expire.... but as i've previously explained - i can't guarantee chit !!!!!
i especially can't guarantee i won't expire my entire family tomorrow. and before anyone freaks out - while i can't guarantee that - i can state the odd's of that happening are exceedingly remote - because, as i've already stated - i don't have the ability to do anything that i desire !
.
wow did i really just say all that out loud???
looks like this reply took a left turn at albaquerky really fast.
.
yep - i'm not in the best of head-space.
.
i probably shouldn't post this, but wtf have i got to lose.... her goes nuttin.
.
sorry i've dumped liike this.
I'm guessing that the thought of death first got a foothold in my head at 4 years old when I lost both of my parents at the same moment and feared for my own life. That's a bit early to be thinking about it and scared of it. And lately I've been wrestling with it big time again. Like every other unwelcome thought I am trying to let it be while not getting consumed by it. As the other responders have said, there's too much good stuff going on not to focus on life. Having said that, so soon after you've lost someone close to you, as with your Aunt, of course it's going to be front and center in your mind, 13ga. It would be surprising if that was not the case.......very sorry for your loss....
TYVM, CA!
you're soooo right... i look back and see i started this post 5 days ago!!
feels like 5 minutes ago!!!! i have NO IDEA where those days have gone...
they're flushed away, and i've nothing to nail them down with -except a funeral that left me feeling isolated, stagnant, and even more alone...
Aww I’m sorry about your aunt’s passing. My mom knows how that feels. When I was young in a span of 6 years I lost my grandma, my aunt, my grandpa and then my other aunt. That made me worry about my mom. Cause she’s older than my father. It was all her family that passed away.
Life is a very precious thing. We have to make the most of it while we still have it. That’s how my mom carried on. That’s how I’m trying to carry on.
hi CG! thanks so much!
i know life is precious... but i've been in a bad mindset... been so focused on death - because the past 5 months - seems it's all there's been.
now [TRYING] to help my mom - who apparently is unwilling to help herself - all i've been focusing on besides death - is the ravages of old age... and i still have decades to go, before i'm there - but it sure feels like it of late...
.
know anyone that wants to trade mom's???
have you noticed it's ALWAYS easier to deal with someone else's mom than your own???? wonder why that is....
tx again!
That is so true. I guess it's hard cause it's your mom. I know the feeling all to well. I'm taking care of my mom and some days it's do hard cause it feels like she's not trying to help herself. Like she has "accidents" and I know she doesn't want to wear an adult diaper. Who the hell does? I understand that. It's just she should know now that it's not going to change. It going to just going to come out.
I'm already a germaphobe but now I have this fear on having an accident when I have a panic attack.
I'm sorry you been in a bad place. It's hard to deal with so much loss in a short amount of time.
CG,
are you living my life?? my mom also doing little to help herself, or improve her mindset. and she driving me NUTS. and thats a VERY short drive these days...
i'm so sorry to hear you're in a similar spot as me... if your mom anything like mine - you can't tell her a single fracking thing!!!! and nothing's more frustrating than telling her the same thing again and again and again and again....... etc.... 
A little bit. I'm trying to be more empathetic and sympathetic to her and her emotional state. Can't be ease getting old and having all kinds of issues. Where your body goes all wacky. Some days I have it and other days I don't. Yes, my mom is a stubborn lady. Very strong willed. So you can't tell her nothing. But I did inspired her with medical issues to look into her insurance and see if she's getting the most out of it.
But yes it does drive me nuts when I know she can but she won't...AHHHHH
Ooh did I mention my mom is a hoarder? Do all old people get that way? She won't let me get rid of stuff.
CG!!!!!!
ARE YOU MY SISTER!!!?!?!???
do we have the same mother!?!?!
my mom has rooms with BARELY a path into them - others - you don't even wanna try!!!!!
SIS!!!!
so nice to meet you!!!! i always wanted a sister!
(anything to get rid of my brother!!)
Maybe! I lost my brother back in 2012. Be nice to have a brother again! My mom's bedroom is enough for one person to fit and maybe one other person. Buts it's cramped with her clothes, walker, every surface covered with bottles of cream and whatever nick nacks. I feel ya!
apologies for my delayed reply; things have not been good. and i've allowed myself to slip further down a slippery slope...
well CG; i've always wanted a sister, and if you've read my posts about my brother... then you know i've always wanted any sibling that truly gave a crap about family.
i've always relied on animals for true friendship, because i never trusted people. but i've also learned how messed up that is, and i'm trying to improve... but it's a very hard and painful path, wrought with pointy shards... and i'm not motivated to walk it - despite knowing it's the only path that leads to true fulfillment.
i'd love to have a sister to hold my hand...
I can totally relate. I have a jack @$$ for a sister. She doesn't care about me, our other sister and our mom. It's all about her. My brother was similar but not self-absorbed. Just independent and his own person. I never really got to know the man cause there's an age gap between me and my siblings.
My best friends were animals. It so hard cause they don't carry the same life span as humans. My heart is always crushed when one goes.
I be happy to hold your hand! And Here take this. it's dangerous to go alone 🗡️ 😉
CG - we should get my brother and your sister together... they'd be a perfect pair.... especially if they would take each other off both our hands and lives!!
my heart is being crushed... 1 of my cats has cancer; and i'm waiting for him to tell me he's ready to go... i'm in tears everyday, thinking about how i'll miss when he stands up like a prairie dog, and begs... or when he grooms me... or .... etc.
i gladly take your hand, and am grateful for the possibility i could think of you as the loving sibling i've never known.
you really made me smile with your last comment. it IS dangerous to go alone... ever since the beginning of covid - i've never left my house unarmed! funny that you would think to offer that comment. we truly must be related!!!
I remember back in 2008 my beloved dog was dying. He was my best friend I had him as a pup when I was a pup myself 5yrs old. I knew he was going to pass soon. He was deaf and started to have eye trouble. But cruel fate my cat who I had for 10yrs unexpectedly died on me on April 1st.. April Fool's day. Life is hilariously cruel. My beloved cat came into my room to die on the floor next to my bed. At least he didn't disappear to be alone to pass. He was with me. Then next week April 8th my dog Noodles decided it was time to cross that rainbow bridge. He was a great dog. I still miss them. So much so that I recreated them on the Sims. At least there, they can love forever ❤️
Must be related! We love our animals. Have ass hats for siblings. Parents who are getting old and need help and doing our very best we can do. Even though it's mentally and emotionally draining. We try. And you get that reference 😉 l33t
Sooner or later our own mortality really hits home. I lost a very dear friend who was only 48 when I was in my mid 30's and it made me think about it for the first time. I came to the conclusion that we never know how long we have so it's important to live for the day and not worry about the future so much.
It struck again when my older generation of family started going and I remember when the last one, my mum, went and I said to my sisters we are 'orphans' now and it will be our turn next. It's a sobering thought isn't it? But then I also saw it as natural, a cycle of life, that is part of who we are and whilst I don't relish the thought of death I would prefer that if I was unlucky enough to suffer major ill health in my elder years as that would be worse.
I think it's a biological thing - the closer to old age and death we come the less we fear it. When you get old you get tired and usually have some sort of physical ailment and the idea of everlasting peace becomes more welcome.
hypercat-
TY so much for your reply...
it resonates for me in some funny ways...
i've NEVER been afraid of death... only of the means of death...
what's really funny - seeing all the old people i've been so close to of late... i find myself wishing for death before i get that old...
i don't ever want to be helpless... and lost...
tho - i'm feeling VERY lost right now... and helpless too.... just not in the same ways of old age...
it's not a fun place... and i seem to have misplaced my map.... :-|
You mean there was a map? 
They say everyone's ship comes in but mine was a rowing boat with a hole and it sank within seconds.
hypercat -
i'm envious that you know what happened to your boat!!!!
i'm not sure i ever even had 1... or what happened to it....
my "boat" was more likely a space ship....
omg i wish i knew what happened to it.... 
😁😁 Well at least you knew there was a map.... x
i can't say i knew there was a map...
only that there should have been a map. and no one bothered to give me a clue about it.
right now - i'm no longer interested in the map. i just wanna run away. but i also know all too fracking well - where ever i run - i'm still there. and i want most of all to run away from me.
When my dad died my blood froze in my veins. My first thought was I'm an orphan now. (I was 58 at the time) But now I'm the old lady in the family. I'm the one who gets picked up for holidays because they think they have to. My grandaughter is 15. Remember how you felt about your grandparents at 15. To be honest it is not fun thinking that there are more days behind than ahead. I've become obsessive about keeping the house clean. I don't want my survivors to come in & think I was slob. Also threw away old diaries full of intimate details. I'm also a list maker. I have a list for everything. They all went in the trash 'cause I didn't want anyone to think I was nuts or something.
Funny how I worry about what people will think of me after I'm gone, yet I could give a flying fig about what they think of me now.
Getting older is scary & depressing. Thinking of all the things you are now too old for very sad. Trying to live within the moment 'cause you never know...Ironically you never knew when your last breath is coming. Why is it so scary having these thoughts now? We need to refocus ourselves to the present, Don't have to save for old age -- its here. Don't have to buy life insurance -- you're probably too old anyway. My grandmother used to buy a bottle of shampoo & call it a lifetime supply. She wore the same shoes for 50 yrs. We finally took her to get new shoes. When the salesman measured her feet my mom grabbed those old shoes & tossed them out back of the store. My grandma said it didn't matter 'cause she didn't need shoes where she was going. I asked where was that -- the beach?
I hated when she talked like that. It scared me. But now the shoe is on my foot & I know what she was doing. She was getting ready to go home to Jesus. She needed to come to terms with the inevetable. I hope she did. We'll never know. She needed an operation when she was 92 and came out of it not able to speak English anymore. She could only speak Hungarian.
pinkie...
thanks for your reply!
i look at things a little differently than you.... i say - let them find and read your intimate diaries; and lists. they say who you are - and how you lived...
and knowing the intimate bits... after you're gone... who cares? let them have some fun with them!! you will only live on thru their memories... let some of those memories be WILD and CRAZY!!!!!!
you're grandma sounds like a freaking awesome lady!!!!! i hope you can find the "chkutspa" that she had - go kicking and screaming... let us know you where HERE!!!
in fact - if i had a diary with intimate stuff - i'd put it in my will to have it READ at my "after-life party".... and maybe i should do that before i'm in the "after-life" - because i'd love to see the looks on their faces!!!!!!! LOL
One more thing, A wise man once told me to plan for the future but don't live there. Sorry about the under line I can't get it to turn off. I'll log out & in maybe that will fix it.
With Covid around, I guess we are pretty well all concerned with the possibility of mortality, although I'm relaxing now as I have been fully jabbed.
When we are stuck indoors and hear about the pandemic on the news each day, it is quite easy to fall into morbid thoughts, especially when it hits close to home.
I'm 73, and recently became the matriarch of the family. It's a scary thought, almost nobody left to chat with about the 1950s and 60s.
I'm not worried about dying personally, it comes to all of us in the end, I do however hope it will be quick and painless.
My affairs are in order; Will written, Just funeral to pay for so my children won't have to be concerned. Now I can get on and enjoy my life.
I don't know if you are much of a reader, but I would recommend Terry Pratchett's books. One of his characters is Death, but he is an amusing, kindly Death.
Cheers, Midori
midori... thanks so much! i'll have to look up the book... i could use some cheer!!!!
i've never worried about dying - only HOW i die...
none of my affairs are in order - and i don't care... i have no kids, and won't have any... so what do i care .... let my bro and nephews argue and sort out my mess!!! lol
i haven't been able to read much of late.. but that book does sound interesting and amusing!
tx again!
There are more than 40 books in his Discworld series, I can recommend Reaper Man, Hogfather, Soul Music, and Mort in which Death takes the starring role.
I’m sorry for your loss, Rob. I like all the wisdom everyone posted above. I think I needed to hear this wisdom too, so I’m glad you posted. 😊
hi Ava;
tyvm.... i've been sooo tired... and out of my head....
i've barely had the energy to post... and look how long it's taken me to get back to reply.... have no clue where that time has gone...
feels like weeks pass like days.... and i'm just a spectator - but i'm not even seeing....
not sure how to get out of this hole....
all the replies have been great... and i need to try to take all the advise to heart... assuming i still have one....
miss the conv's... hope you doin well... 💜💜
Hi 13ga.
Firstly sorry for ur loss & condolences to the wider family too.
Now thinking of death & old age is in my book healthy & in the current state of the planet , it shouldn't be ignored.
In fact I've started to look into cremations & paying for my funeral in advance & this is bc I don't wish to place that burden on my 2 daughters. I've spoken to both of them about it & they understand that I want to protect them & I don't always think about death but my health issues means I'm at high risk of dropping silent. I've looked at a cremation where they recover my body from where I depart, cremate the body & return the ashes to my kids & I've told my kids instead of a funeral just have a wake & celebrate me & enjoy & that will make me happy.
hi DD;
thank you for your reply...
and thank you for sharing your thoughts and plans.
i've been beside myself with fear, and worries for my own future... everything seems gaseous, and ethereal. more uncertain than ever before. i don't have an imminent concern of death for myself - but for those around me. death for me would be release and a relief. but i'm really tired of having to live thru other's deaths.
to hear you tell your story, does seem to impart a semblance of peace in your heart. that you know your daughters will be spared some difficult decisions - and to know that your desires are written, clear, and all made beforehand.
i'm envious. i wish i could find some measure of that peace... before i depart. i don't fear death. i think i fear dying alone and helpless.
i think losing so many in so few months... has left me ... i dunno... "death jumpy" ??
my mom has a ring tone. i hate to hear it. because she calls me 12x a day. at least it SEEMS and FEELS like she does. but her affairs are NOT in order, and not only do i fear losing her - but her leaving me with a crap ton of a mess.
.
i dont even know what i'm saying...
i wish i could have a piece of the peace i heard in your reply.
Hey 13ga, I totally understand where u are coming from but I'll give u some more insight into me.... I was 4yrs old when my mother passed away & so my dad who was ill ( had 1 lung due to TB & he smoked ) raised his 4 sons . He was always in & out of hospital all of my childhood & then when I was 17 he passed away so before I could legally drink alcohol I was an orphan & luckily I had my siblings to look after me but I started to suffer from abandonment issues & used to think why me & what did I do & worst part of it all was they didn't leave me to go start over they died never to physically live on earth ever again. Zoom forward I got married had kids & worked very hard to keep our house paid for & try to give my kids a good life. Then at the age of 33 in 2004 I was rushed into hospital due to me going in & out of consciousness & after many tests they discovered I had a burst part of my colon & they gave it a wash out & I ended up in intensive care for a week but made it through but ended up with a collapsed lung due some gung they missed landed on my lung. Anyhoo I got over that & got back to working again & then in 2008 I was rushed into hospital & straight in to the O.R & the surgeons saved my life but there was a massive complication & they couldn't close my torso as some how I got an infection & they placed me into a coma for 2 weeks & when I came back to the wards I had a 2 foot gaping wound across my torso & it was horrendous how close it was to me having my small intestine on show. 1st time they changed the dressing it took 3 trained folk over 3 hours to change & clean it all & I had to stay in hospital . Was on liquid food only. Had a Hackman line & ended on TPN when I had fistula pop out & so I had to have wound management devices & spent 16 weeks in hospital learning how to set up my feed & how to change my WMD. SO I'm back home & ended up with septicaemia & went back to hospital then within 24hrs I was back in intensive care after a week in intensive care I was moved to a more specialised hospital where I could get the correct care. I also ended up with pneumonia which is a side effect of the sepsis I was told & to shorten it all I stayed at the hospital for several months until they could close up my open wound.
My mental issues started after that & other health issues that brings me to today. Over the period of my whole life my only true friend I thought was death as I had suffered more than my fair share. I only found I was wrong once I learned to help me get better. I have learned to accept my mortality due the the 2 near death experiences I've had. I'm at ease with it all as its the only true circle of life ... We're born, we live & eventually we die. The things we do from birth to death are just to fill the time as I like to call it. So that's my story & my life & I'm happy I've seen death & learned to look after myself.
DD;
again i'm sorry for my delayed reply... things have gotten worse for me...
i can't thank you enough for sharing more of your story. it says A LOT about you, and the incredible strength, and appreciation of life you have.
it certainly tells me how much of a 'baby' i sound like with my complaints. i dont mean that in a negative way. i mean your story should be my wake up call - to appreciate the life i've had, and can still have.
you're a role model for us all.
PS. U are ur own wake up call & by all means use some or all of the techniques I use or better still find what gives u that boost .
i have to smile at you're reply...
i AM my own wake up call - and my intellectual brain has heard that wake up call... but i haven't been able to cross that over the intellectual / emotional brain barrier.
i'm still asleep - and have been unable to awake myself from my nightmare.
or - i must conclude - i have an unending need to punish and torture myself....
i wish i could make me stop.
U can make it stop as its U thats writing the story & as with every horror show their is always a survivor & thats U. So it's ur choice when & how the story ends & maybe its time that in the knightmare U arm urself & fight like a superhero.
Superb advice Dodge xx
Hi 13ga and firstly, my condolences and sorry to hear you are suffering. I'm assuming you are middle-aged by the narrative you've written?For the record, I hit 54 in April and before anyone kicks off what I'm about to share below, these are just my thoughts and own experiences... not my advice!
I have often questioned my life and "why me" and easy to feel that life has dealt me a hand so sh*t at times that I don't want to carry on (yes, I have contemplated suicide). Like most I have lost family, loved ones and friends.
My parents are luckily still around, but both at an age where the inevitable is not far away and I have tried to prepare myself for that.
My first wife (after only being married for 3 weeks) was admitted to hospital and I was told at 21 she might not make the night due to a possible brain tumour! Obviously devastated, my life fell apart there and then!! She actually had encephalitis and after a 10 week stay in hospital, diagnosed with M.S.
So fast forward 30 years (Christ, that went in a flash) and lots of other stories of trauma and loss... I hit 50 (yes, the mid-life crisis male) 😀. However, unlike the stereotypical "let's buy a sports cars and go date someone half my age" it affected me very differently.
I was questioning "where is my life going"? I was going through another marriage breakdown and at a loss with what I wanted to do in my career as felt stale.
So I decided that for the first time in my life I wanted to take control before it's too late and I get too old! I relocated 150 miles to the Midlands to take a job and live on my own for the first time in my life. Am I happy... not really, but happier than I've been in a while. The company I joined went into administration after only 2 months of joining and unlike most of my fellow 50's I am just surviving financially, where most have either paid off their mortgages, kids flown the nest and enjoying life!
So what's my point related to yours?
I guess that I have come to the conclusion that we are at at time of life where the clock is definitely ticking and on the see-saw of "how long is left" compared to how long we've lived. To state the obvious, it is down to us to try and live out as happy as we can in the time we have left. To do "things", experience new challenges and connect and appreciate with close friends and family for who they are. I could write a book on here about "poor me" or "why has this happened" but I guess ultimately you have to accept that life can be tough and eventually we all have the "time up" whenever it is. So LIVE, don't even contemplate DEATH... you are lucky you are alive.
I wish you all the very best... Ray
hi ray;
ty so much for your reply...
i've sooo not been in a good head-space...
i'm so very far behind in replying to those who took the time to reply to me...
i've been sooo withdrawn, and in such a dark place... i not only didn't want to reply - but i feared what i would say.
.
i'm now getting ready to euthanize 1 of my cats; and i'm trying to deal with this on top of the spit mound that i'm already buried beneath.
.
i appreciate all you said; and your advice... i know intellectually you're right. but i'm having a real problem taking that to heart.
for the last week, and possibly longer - i'm not even sure i've been trying.
even now - i have stuff i need very badly to do - but i can't bring myself to do ANYTHING.
i'm forcing myself to reply to these old replies... but not out of desire - more out of obligation. that doesn't change my appreciation for the replies... i seriously needed to see them...
tx again, Ray... and i'm glad to hear that you've found at least an improvement in your 'living'.... i'm definitely still looking for mine.
Hi 13ga. A suggestion ALWAYS BE honest especially to urself , accept who you are & what is making you have these issues & once u accept U for bring U then U can work on U & start slowly as its something that u will need to work on everyday , I do , every morning I wake up & get myself in the right place to have a good day & it takes me a couple of minutes & I'm good to go & I have learned that there is always a new lesson to learn & I keep an eye out for it , sometimes I miss it but that's when we make the same errors over & over & other days we see it straight away & adjust ourselves accordingly .
In short inly U can change U , if it take 20yrs before you start then that 20yrs extra on top of the rest to help U be the U that U want to be.
Sorry if I intruded in Urs & Ray's post 🙏🏾
DD - it's never an intrusion to join a conversation - especially when you have such wise words to add...
i cant thank you enough for jumping in...
i'm trying to look at the immanent death of my cat - as a lesson in appreciating life. which i think i've forgotten. inspite of all the death that's been visiting those close to me.
i've been focusing on all the negative, and forgetting that it's also a reminder to remember and try to focus on the positives.
.
what do you do to prepare yourself to have a good day.
i'd very much appreciate it if you could "beam" that wisdom into my psyche - so i don't have to do the work myself of hammering it thru my thick skull!
tx again!
Aww mate I'm so so sorry about ur cat , my daughter has a chihuahua & that lil lady got me through lockdown , only fellow pet owners will get this ... pets are better at being family than some people are . If ur cat was like our Foxy then ur cat listened to u , cuddled u & let you talk ur dreams & wishes & greatest thing of all now there is a lot of light at the end of this covid tunnel , its time for him /her to rest & look in on you once in a while too. Remember every time the cat made you laugh , played games with u & everything that is positive & remember death is a very important part of life & will always will be.
Now me my mantras & thoughts are of love all the way back to my mother whom passed when I was 4 , then dad & his passing at 17 , my siblings , then my kids & I thank their mother for giving me my 2 daughters but that takes a nano second then she out of the light . I then go to the bathroom mirror & look at the me in the mirror & I say out aloud when I'm alone or in my head when my daughter is home & that is I look me dead in the eye & say ... I LOVE YOU & without fail I end up smiling & as I'm smiling at me I smile back at me in the mirror & I always or WE always end up laughing & thats it ..... HOWEVER that may not work for you but right after you've read this go in the bathroom or ur own room try the I love you & if u smile & laugh u will get that euphoria that laughing gives you. Again other things maybe what gives you the lift & thats what u use to help u & its personal to you. I'm happy to share as I know it works & for me it takes no time but it gives me a lift thats all day .
hi DD;
sorry for the delay... i just haven't been able to get myself back online. i've been in a very dark place last 2 weeks... and nothing to do with my cat!
your comment about pets and family couldn't possibly be any truer for me. i have a large family - and i have no family. not 1 blood relative i trust worth a spit. all animals i've ever met are better family than "family" has been.
my cat's still hanging on, and appears comfortable despite barely eating. he still purrs when he sees me, and cuddles like no other. he's the only 1 of my cats that grooms me. and dances for me. OMG i'm going to miss all of that.
.
i can't thank you enough for your suggestion. and i will definitely try it. though i doubt i can say those words convincingly. maybe that will be what i laugh at....
not sure that's the kind of laughter you meant... but any is better than none... right?
Give it a go & please let me know how you got on & if it didn't help then maybe I can help u dig deep to find what does help .
well after the reply i just left - i'm thinking i probably should not reply to the others kind enough to leave me a reply.... at least not tonight.
i appreciate the replies, and will respond to each... i think i'm going to bed now...
tx to all in advance for your patience and understanding.
Another lonely holiday season!
another mystery about me how come?
Another day battling myself...
One birthday and suddenly I am old
