Understanding a lot but not believing in a lot of it

[Ghostcat3]

Hi, this may be a very long and winding road... here we go:

I’m very aware I should not add extra’s to everything after I say it just to invalidate my own feelings. I know a lot of things I have to do to feel better but at the same time I feel like it’s all just pointless and I’m convincing myself that I’ll just somewhat feel better.

I can pretend to feel love and be loved but I cannot believe it somehow. I don’t actually know why but I feel like I’m not capable of love, being loved truly, having a conversation, changing the world, and being good enough. My therapist says that it’s a core belief and that there isn’t such thing as “I should” in therapy but if I know all these things but can’t make myself feel or do them then doesn’t that make me a hypocrite? Doesn’t that make me stupid?

I have so many issues with self worth. I only started drinking last year but ever since I started I’ve been pushing to the point of shivering, throwing up, and irrationally crying and spitting out my deepest fears. I don’t drink everyday or even every week but most of the time I go past my limit.

I try pushing a lot of my friends away because I convince myself I’m better off without them and they are better off without me even if it means they get hurt. I don’t want to be selfish or narcissistic but it’s so hard to stop it.

I have this deep belief that I am stupid because I shut down a lot, can’t seem to make light conversation with anyone unless it’s really deep, and I’m really scared of a lot of things I know are completely irrational. I’m scared of being stupid because then I can’t understand things to how I want to. I know I’m not supposed to understand everything but I just wish I could.

Why am I so sensitive but I hide all of my feelings? I make up really well thought but irrational ideas and seem to stick to them. I want so many good things for people but I also get jealous when good things happen to them. I know I need to get over myself but I don’t know how. My dad has issues like this but has never seen anyone for it and my mom sees the connection between both my dad and I’s behaviors but thinks we’re just full of anxiety and irrational thoughts. I love my mom but I feel like maybe it’s not right? I don’t know. My dad on the other hand ... I see too much of myself in him and I can’t bring myself to love him even though I know he means well. I don’t want to end up like him. I also want him to get help but I think he may just end up getting very angry with me or upset if I try to talk to him about it. Also part of me feels like I can’t trust him. I have no idea where this crazy thought branched but there it is.

A lot of the things I’m writing are very contradictory and just turns me right back to being a hypocrite for being able to hell others with the things I struggle with most myself. It may just validate my feelings of being stupid because I seem to know all of this. I don’t even know how to feel anymore I’m so confused with all of my existence.

If you made it this far... thank you for reading this absurdity. Have a great day and I hope you can move past this and maybe not even remember it. ****— sorry that was rude to myself and you. I don’t know what I’m doing so have a great day. I’m sorry again if I’m just being an ******* on here I just don’t know where else I can put ALL of this.

[Ghostcat3]

Also I’m sorry this was NOT meant to be a feel sorry for me post. I know I need to get over myself and this. But this just needed to go somewhere

[Hidden]

That's a nice winding road. I keep a journal because it forces you to think through things and it doesn't have to all be perfect. And you don't need to apologize - that's what this place is all about I think.