I've written out and backspaced over what I want to say about two times now but I'm going to give this a go:
I've been with the same person for 12 years now. Across that time we ran into some troubles, and I regretfully cheated on her about 18 months ago. Since addressing that together and her deciding she would give me a second chance our relationship has grown toxic. She withdraws from me and gives me the cold shoulder whenever she's stressed/angry/sad even about things unrelated to me or anything I've said or done. She lashes out at me more and more and says hurtful things these last few months, despite my breaking down in tears and telling her how it hurts me. I was in a deep depression last year, and at one point she basically told me if I couldn't snap out of it she would leave me, which only made me feel like I had to hide it from her. Still, I love her, and wanted/want to be with her.
Three days ago we had a discussion where the told me she didn't want to keep trying and failing at things we used to do together relationship wise. That night she told me she wanted to move forward and give those things another try, to which I agreed. The following day she didn't answer her phone until after 3 in the afternoon. When she did she told me she intended to stay in bed forever, that she would not be around anymore, and when I asked why she was being so cold to me she said that it was time I realized she wasn't good enough and that I needed to leave her. She then told me she was going to kill herself. I called 911, and she was taken to a mental ward for a few hours.
When she was first out of the ward she was furious with me. Telling me never to speak to her again, that I ruined her life, that I made that call to hurt and humiliate her, and that she would never trust or tell me anything ever again. Since then I have apologized profusely, both for her having to go to a mental ward and for having cheated on her 18 months ago as that seems to be a big part of her anger right now.
She is convinced I don't love her, that I should go find someone else, and that we should just be "friends" although she can't tell me at all what that would entail or look like compared to what we've had these last dozen years. Every time she reaches out I can hear the coldness and anger in what she says. It sounds like she hates me. When I apologize she gets more angry. When I tell her I don't want anyone else and only want to be with her she says I don't want her at all. I mentioned that whether or not we stay together I plan to look into getting some therapy and all she said was "that's none of my business anymore".
During the conversation last night she told me she wanted to get back to certain things together like we used to. I explained how I've second guessed myself a lot with the depression and that I will do my best to stay relaxed and not do that so much. Today she told me she doesn't want to try to go back to those things because she feels as though the fact she had to bring it up or ask me at all is proof I don't want her or want to be with her.
Am I in a toxic relationship? Am I the problem? I'm seriously at a loss right now.
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dbcooper
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In my nvery humble opinion, you are in a toxic relationship. She doesn't seem to have much interest in your mental health issues, she said whether you went for therapy or not was no longer her business. She would not say that, I think, if she truly cared about you.
You are 100% in a toxic relationship. And you are not the problem.
I am so sorry you have had to go through this roller-coaster with her.
You made a mistake that you do not have to keep paying for.
She needs therapy.
I don't want to sound harsh, but I would reach out to people in your life that you trust for support right now. If you don't have anyone, I would use prayer or meditation to get into a better headspace and make a plan to leave the relationship.
I’m sorry but I just don’t agree with that statement, that’s what happens when you betray someone, you end up paying for it time and time again, that’s not her fault it’s his. The reason why she is now going through this turmoil is because she’s utterly devastated by his betrayal.I agree with you that they both need support from family and friends. I also agree with you that they should go their separate ways.
I don't agree that a person should pay for ~anything~ time and time again. We have all f**ked up in this life, and expecting ppl to have to continually pay doesn't make logical or emotional sense to me.
If you can't see that this man has already paid dearly for what he has done, then I don’t know what to tell you.
And just because a person has been cheated on, they don't then get carte blanche to treat the other person horribly and dysfunctionally from then on.
From his description of her behavior, she absolutely needs help/therapy/counseling.
It's likely he does as well, but it sounds like she has gone off the rails and that is not healthy or acceptable in any way.
I want to thank you for your calm and respectful reply to me.
I think we’ve got our wires crossed a bit. I agree nobody should have to pay for a mistake time and time again. I was just pointing out that unfortunately this situation happens in a number of relationships. One person cheats but because they love each other they can’t separate. What follows is months or even years of resentment. It’s unhealthy and toxic but because there’s such a strong bond between them they find it almost impossible to leave each other.They both need help and I sympathise it’s an almost impossible situation to be in.
Hello there. In my opinion this girl trusted you and you let her down, you say you've been in a relationship for twelve years and you love her, so why cheat. I don't know about her life but you could have been the only one she trusted and now she has no one. She's upset, broken, feels unloved, her world has been turned upside down, so I can understand why she lashing out and feels the way she does. I think you both need a break from each other, let her have time to think things over and maybe you can start again slowly one step at a time. Good luck. 🌈
What she’s angry with is the betrayal. When you slept with the other woman you were doing what most men do and that’s making the decision with your loins. For you it was probably just sex, a release. Now I bet you wished you never went there.She feels betrayed because a sexual relationship from a woman’s perspective is far more emotionally involved rather than just the act.
It sounds like she’s really struggling with the betrayal and may never forgive you even though both of you desperately want to move past it because you love each other so much.
She’s obviously finding it extremely difficult to forgive you and may never be able to. You will spend years constantly dealing with the same issues time and time again constantly battling the betrayal that never seems to go away.
It’s going to be very painful for both of you and speaking from personal experience here it’s probably better for both of you to separate. The alternative is years of the same issue raising its ugly head time and time again causing untold damage to both of you.
I’m sorry to be so blunt bud but this was your mistake that’s caused the relationship to turn sour, take responsibility and go your separate ways because it will cause less damage to you both in the long run.
Honestly, I would say you both should be moving forward with professional counseling. You both will find benefit from counseling, regardless of whether or not you stay together.
Hi dbcooper, it sounds like there is some toxic behaviors going on. Shaming, blaming, projection, and a few other things. There’s a great site I like to recommend to folks who are struggling with someone’s emotional lashing out. The site is outofthefog.website. It’s a great site with a lot of easy to read, step by step instructions on how to deal with each type of toxic behavior. You are not alone!!! 🌈🌱🔮😊
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Can I please get advice? I don't know what to do anymore, and I can't ask my family.
