I'm 41 years old and I have spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my journey to where I am right now. I now find myself picking out regrets and trying to find a way I could handle the situation better if it ever came back up again. Some regrets are easy to see how to handle the situation better while some are extremely difficult for me to figure out because, in all honesty, I tend to be oblivious to a lot of things until I make a mistake and someone takes the time to explain it to me and make sure I understand what I did or said wrong. I would like to believe I retain all the information they gave me to explain what I did or said wrong but I honestly don't because of selective memory issues I have at times that make it seem like I am choosing not to retain information that I honestly should or I just ignore what was said. In all honesty, I know I have ignored some stuff because of who said it and/or my emotional state at the time because I tended to always run on pure emotion until the last 6 months or so. Does anyone else have this issue? How do you cope with it? Any advice given will be listened to with an open mind because I am working on improving my communication skills as well as my conflict resolution skills and I realize I don't know everything and I can use as much help as people are willing to give. Thank you all in advance for taking the time to read this.
Living with Regrets: I'm 41 years old... - Anxiety and Depre...
Living with Regrets
Hi Dragon3695 !
I can't say that I've been in your situation exactly, because I am the exact opposite-I am extremely communicative, often to the point of oversharing. What I can say, though, is that I have had some difficult relationships because of exactly what you're describing (including a roommate/friend with BPD); the selective memory and difficulty holding onto advice or information that may not seem appealing at the time. The best thing that you could do (in my opinion) is to-when you're having reflective moments like this-be as open as possible with those you feel that you may have affected. I would have loved for a lot of people to tell me that their behaviors that hurt me were unintentional, and had more to do with where they were at the time than anything that I did or said. That may make it a lot easier for people to ease up and give you the wiggle room and understanding that you deserve! We're only human!
I know that communication is not easy at all, especially if you grew up or spent a lot of time in a household or environment where speaking openly/honestly wasn't praised in the way that it seems to be in relationships that you form later in life. It can be really hard to unlearn behaviors that we learned as children/young adults, but it's definitely worth a shot because it will make life soooo so much easier for you!!!
If it helps, I talk a mile a minute when I have a lot on my heart and it's still hard for me to get out what I need to say sometimes. When I think my emotions might get the best of me during a difficult conversation, I usually start by writing everything that I feel that I need to say in my journal before heading into said conversation. It helps me stay on track 
Best of luck to you, my friend!
I tend to be a very open individual that over shares until I have feelings for them or I'm in a relationship and then I just clam up. It doesn't help that no relationship I have ever had including my marriage was a good one even on a small scale. Now living with my best friend and being in love with her at the same time is a bit brutal some days. I find myself having trouble just with simple things currently as I work on my redirecting skills so I'm not constantly in my head thinking about her. I appreciate your input and advice. Always know I am a good listener if you ever need to vent when you have something on your mind.🙂
Wow! U just said everything of me that I can't say for my self. I started writing ur words so I can explain to my grandkids. My words seem to come across as rude. But I'm not, I don't know how to sugar coat them. My spelling is really worsed. Thank you. I'm sorry u help me, as u see there others who are having the same. My husband and I are going through it to and it's has building up hurt and pain for us. So many this generation just say F*** u. Punish you by can't see or be around ur great grandkids. Our words are rude what the heck is their words and actions ? I'm here with you. Hugs
Glad I could help you in any way possible. I know I am going through a lot right now but knowing helping someone can come from my struggles helps to make me feel a little better.
Really you have help me to see it's not just me who feels this way
Many of these things sound symptomatic of being human. If I always took every bit of wisdom I remembered to heart and kept it with me every waking moment, I think I'd go nuts from feeling boxed in and likely afraid to move forward and be willing to make mistakes again.
I'm 42 and I get so annoyed sometimes, so full of regret that I've missed out on SO much of what life has to offer. Occasionally I'm able to remind myself to stop trying to live or judge myself by other standards and just do the best I can in the given moment.
Writing out my own thoughts, whether meant to be self-reflection or not is usually pretty handy for me. I have gotten into meditation and as I try to learn to go through life with less harsh judgment, I find I'm getting better at living in the moment or making the best out of what's to come. Sometimes just having someone listen can be amazingly helpful because then I can unload all of my thoughts and end up getting out something I didn't see on my own, or maybe feeling a release from my burdens.
I think it's normal, perhaps even healthy to have some regret, so long as you're not living a life of regret. Learning to move on... that just takes a lifetime of practice.
I have a lot of regret because I haven't really done any living for the majority of my 41 years. Some of it is easy to disregard while a good portion are things that still pop up and influence me in varying ways. I'm just now beginning to try to live my life and learning to let go of things and move on is a huge part of what I am working on. I am constantly reserved in my decision making and risk taking so I'm trying to improve it.
Each day you have in this world will be another chance to make the most of it, especially if you take life by your standards! I wish you the best in finding some happiness with being who you are and where you are in life
Thank you. I am trying to do just that day by day. Some days are harder than others and I just need to constantly remind myself of that.
Dragon3695, I am sorry that your attempt to reflect has been so painful. It is an interesting reason why you are trying to figure it out. Most people just perseverate on a mistake, but you are analyzing to learn for the future.
The hard parts about either of those are 1) you don”t have all the information 2) no future situation will be identical, so applying rules specific to situations my not, yet, be productive and 3) this will keep you living in the past and worrying about the future, but not living in the present.
Curious as to why you call it selective hearing? I imagine a kid on a video game ignoring mom’s calls for chores, but comes running when she says dinner is ready. Or students who have heard the same school mantra over and over, so at some point it becomes white noise.
I think learning about skills for active listening may provide better strategies. If you want to analyze something, figure out why you have selective hearing. That does inner child work and will reduce future issues. It is also great work to do with a therapist.
Best of Luck! I am proud that you are taking on this goal.
I call it selective hearing but I think selective memory it actually better. I have memory issues and it always seem like important things get forgot while other things don't. This task I have taken on is because I am lonely and craving a relationship but I don't feel Im ready for a healthy one so I am working on things I can improve to help improve my healthiness
Regrets or life lessons ? Words are very important & it's important we use the right ones.
Regret is a negative word I think. Hindsight is the same meaning but not harsh as regret. See ur reflecting on things that have caused issue previously & looking to learn from them to see if you can gleam some insight to ensure you don't do the same thing over & over , that is what they label as empathy. It's good that ur looking back to help you move forward & I wish you joyous luck.
It sounds like your regrets are based on interactions with others. I recently did some group Dialectical Behavior Therapy that among other things taught "Interpersonal Effectiveness." If you google it you will find information that may help you. If you see the acronyms DEARMAN, GIVE, and FAST you will know that you are seeing what I'm talking about. I hope it will be helpful for you. I commend you for being mindful of your past actions and trying to make improvements. Best of luck!
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