Struggle of anxiety patient😖😖

Feeling so heavy right now, feeling great pressure on chest. I am feeling like just in few minutes this pain leads to heart attack and... and I'll be free from all this pain. But I know it won't happen not because it can't happen but because I can't be get rid of my suffering so easily, I've to bear more. I understand and agree that words do make impact on our thinking and even to our body but this all is hypothetical, whereas in practicality I don't believe this really works because if it's that easy then more than half of problems would be vanished.Anyways, right now I'm fed up of being on this roller coaster ride of mood swings, feeling low at one moment and then feel so high in mood other moment, funny part is I have no clue for both of times.

Right now I am feeling everything is useless, so fake no reality just everything is like a useless fake dream I'm living in...... oh wait a minute what I just said I'm living in... I think it's more like I'm just trying to breathe in it and even doing that is very exhausting. This whole drama of living is exhausting, this feeling of sinking heart is ridiculous... this pain in chest or heart I'm always confused with... but whatever it is, it's very painful more painful because I can't describe it in words why it is hurting..... what's this pain for, its very very very unbearable but I'm still bearing it since last.....??? how many years don't remember. How to get rid of it..... sedatives/ sedation helps in numbing brain or mind or head whatever it is🙄🙄😒😒😏😏 but these medicines don't help in numbing this heart or chest pain. The moment you wake up this comes back, it's so annoying actually annoying is a very small and non- justifying word but I don't remember any other word for it. The only solution comes to my mind is I should END myself...... but I can't even do that my 12 years old son needs me, or may be I'm coward to do so🤔🤔 because kids who lost their mothers naturally even they survive and their upbringing being done... - - but may be I dont want to/ or have enough courage to give him difficult childhood afterall what's his fault??

Ohhh God, what should I do, trust me I really want to come out of all this once and for all.

I try to pen down my thoughts and try to share my writings too, but again then get anxious Is it right to share negativity?? I have bunch of friends who are family now, they're part of my life since last 20-25 years who always stand by my side in all thick and thin of life, but now I'm started feeling or better say I'm starting doubting myself that Am I using them a lot, I'm afraid of losing them...

I'm taking medical help, help of psychologist ... they are helping, specially my psychologist she is helping me to unwrap the deep hidden feeling, help me to confront my self my own self. But still I'm stuck in this whole unending (atleast this what I think at this moment) drama. Sometimes, I wonder what will actually help to come out of this. few said read/ listen positive motivational books, speakers. Do meditation, go for a walk ,do light exercise if nothing atleast do light yoga, breathing exercise. I understand it may help, and it requires constant and continous practise but but believe me I most ,actually most of The times not even able to gather energy, put myself together to have shower or to cook Something to eat......pratyaya Singh