I think I may hate myself. I don’t mean to, of course I don’t. One side of me wants to be/already is this strong badass lady, but then the other hates every part of me. So what do I do? How do I not feel like this because it’s honestly just awful. I hate it and maybe that’s the irony in it all; hating that I hate myself.
This is a little bit word vomity and just venting what’s on my mind but I’ve been living like this for years now, tried the various meds and tried the courses of CBT. I don’t know how long I can keep it up.
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JustMyself
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Dear strong badass lady,
I know what you mean. I don't particularly like myself either and I don't do it on purpose. I'm thinking of getting some books on self-love and self-compassion. You aren't alone.
Also, so many people are having such a hard time right now. Covid has turned our lives upside down. Could the stress of everything have anything to do with how you feel?
your reply really made me smile so thank you for that! I don’t do it purposefully either, it really does suck doesn’t it. I thinking I may need to follow your lead with the self-help books, I mean I’ve tried everything else so what can it hurt!
It certainly has done, it’s not been my favourite year to say the least, but it does bring a huge sense of guilt alongside it too. Guilt that in someways we have it so much better than others and haven’t lost half as many people, yet it’s all still impacting me so utterly. Leaving me bed-bound on many an occasion. Getting past that is a huge task that I’m still struggling with now.
I think the stress certainly doesn’t help. I’ve been like this for a while but stress levels are certainly at a high right now. I study full-time (virtually now obviously) and am just starting a new job to help with the bills that have mounted up. But I can barely keep on top of uni work when I don’t have a job alongside it, let alone when I do.
So who knows what’ll happen, just have to keep trying to plod along I guess! But thank you again for your lovely, kind words.
Hi again. I'm glad I could make you smile. Isn't there a book out there about being a badass? Anyway...I love your description of yourself. You made me smile too, so thank you!
You say you've tried CBT, but have you tried DBT? Whereas CBT focuses on changing our cognitive processes, DBT focuses on changing our inner dialogue. It stands for Dialectical Behavorial Therapy. There is a good series of self-help workbooks called New Harbinger.
I completely understand you. It's so tough being in that situation- more than one voice in your head. Can you listen to my voice-you are cherished, loved and AWESOME!
Number 1- dont freak out. When tough things happen in your life, it has its side effects. And maybe that harsh voice in your head is one if them. I want you to understand that you are normal.😁
Number 2- sometimes we need to address what weve gone through. Simply acknowledge it I stead of avoiding or pushing it out of our heads. Something that happened 10 years ago could be affecting you now. Same with 1 year. So you need to deal with it. That's why it keeps surfacing. When you heal, your struggle doesnt have a grip✊ on you anymore. It sounds like everything just keeps rising up and its TOO MUCH! Its understandable 😉.
But I'd say that you would have to make the decision to move forward ➡️ and heal 🤕👍, or remain in this fog and confusion by not addressing your issues, by accepting lies about yourself, and the symptoms that surface from root problems.
If you'd like more understanding on moving forward, feel free to message me if you want!
Hoping all will be well. Knowing all will be well.
Thank you for making me smile, that’s what I love about this app, I can go all day without doing so but then lovely people like you can make it happen with just a few words. So thank you for that.
You are very good with your words, so it did make a whole lot of sense yes and I did love the emojis too!
My heart goes out to you. Its a very difficult situation. Your loved ones want you to forgive yourself. Some things can hold a person back and keep you from moving forward. Try small things small changes and do something that makes your interest be piqued. Redefine and rediscover.
I am the same way. I have hated myself my whole life. My issues stem from my upbringing because my parents neglected me, made me believe I was worthless (my mom used me as an emotional punching, and my dad was both emotionally and physically abusive.) and made me think it was my job to put others before myself. I don't see myself as important or worth taking care of. My last ex also didn't help because she gaslit me to believe I was a monster. Feeding all the insecurities I already possessed. So now I struggle with trying to care for myself and have self compassion. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It feels so uncomfortable to take care of myself it almost makes me physically ill. What I have learned though in these cases, is that you have to go slow. It sucks and is way harder than it should be but you have to do small things over and over again in order to build up to the bigger things. To start with for me I am focusing on just getting out of bed and keeping up with my hygiene. Those sound like simple things to most but for months I didn't get out of bed. I didn't shower. I didn't brush my teeth. I was literally waiting for death. So I have to start small. And then keep reminding myself that I am a good person. I have to look at what I value and what my values are. That has been very challenging as well. But that is where one starts the small things which build up to the big ones. Also, I believe someone else put it in a post but DBT could be very helpful to you as well. Think of self love like running up a hill. At first it is hell. You can't breath you are exhausted and it is literally the worst feeling ever. But little by little over time it get's easier. You get farther, until one day you are able to run up the hill no problem. Self love works kind of like that. At first it's uncomfortable, painful even. But slowly bit by bit as you get farther it becomes easier until one day you are there and you didn't even realize it.
hmmm where to start.... hating that you hate yourself? -- not ironic. logical. of course you hate that you hate yourself - that makes sense! there really isn't much more to say about that...
that you hate yourself in the first place... now that's where things get interesting... i think that's perfectly normal - at least - it's normal for someone that is capable of objective introspection. a selfish narcissist would never hate themselves! so sounds to me like you're normal! we all hate something about ourselves at some point in time. and sometimes we hate everything about ourselves - this tends to happen more when we're feeling down, or depressed, or when we're listening to the negative voice in our head.
so i would say - don't hate yourself for hating yourself - that's like hating yourself for being normal!
how do you not hate yourself? now - that's the question. the answer might shock you ... better have a seat.... i'll wait.............. sitting?
the answer is - you embrace yourself... all of you... the good and the bad. look JM - no one get's thru life undamaged! no one! not you, not me, not anyone! but there are 2 types of people in the world - those that know they're damaged, and those that don't. those that don't - they have a tendancy to be selfish or narcissistic or both. the rest of us get down on ourselves at times.
have you ever had a bad thought pop into your head? like maybe you'd like to bludgeon your brother with a 4x4... but enough about my problems... my point is - i don't hate myself for having that desire. i know i have good reasons for wanting to do that. just as i have to accept he won't change - i have to accept he will always piss me off. i've also hurt people. most unintentionally - but in life spit happens. we have to forgive ourselves for being imperfect and human.
embrace yourself inspite of the things you don't like. it's the damage that we acquire in living that makes us uniquely us. the bad things we've done are hopefully lessons we've learned so we can be better next time. embrace that as a lesson to being a better you!
keep digging into you. keep getting to know you. know why you do or are the things you hate - learn the lessons there... then embrace that thing and the accompanying lesson. when you do that - you won't hate that bit... it will have become a stone on the road to a better you.
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Isn't there a book out there about being a badass? Anyway...I love your description of yourself. You made me smile too, so thank you! 
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