Hi everyone, I just joined and thought I make a post about why I’m here and a little background yet I’m usually not the one to talk about myself but I think it could help me get a clear picture of where I think I’m at.
I’m 26 years old and have been struggling with depression on and off which seems my whole life. I grew up in a loving household, no majors traumas. I started abusing drugs and alcohol at an early age, about 12. That slowly progressed to more and more substances but it’s what made me feel ok with who I was and allowed me to gain friends. Drugs were my life for a long time and I was still able to function and graduate school and even go to college while heavily using. I began to develop a severe opioid dependence in my early 20s where I began to isolate and lose more and more of my friends to the point it was only me and my girlfriend for 2 or 3 years using opiates every day. In 2016, I woke up to my girlfriend overdosed and paramedics were unable to save her.
I continued using because that’s all I knew but shortly after my family sent me to rehab in another state. I ended up getting sober and moved to this state and was very happy in the beginning, building a new life, learning to be a normal person because all I did was use my whole life, the program of recovery helped me a ton. I have 3 years of sobriety now but it seems as time has gone on since I got sober, my depression has gotten worse and worse. I have social anxiety, I’m scared to talk to girls, and my circle of sober supports are getting smaller because I do a horrible job of keeping up with friends. I feel like my concentration and motivation is effected the most by my depression, I’ll have these goals on what to do when I wake up then get none of them done and get distracted all day and can’t focus, not even on my thoughts.
I just moved back into my moms house after 4 years, this is the first time I’m back where I used to get high and the recovery scene is nothing like it was where I just moved from. I moved to finish my degree and pursue the career I want but I’m depressed have no motivation and I’m scared I’m going to relapse, even after 3 years, getting high sounds like what will solve all my anxiety, depression, but I know that’s just the addict in me talking so I fight it, but at the same time I think to myself, I would rather be high and a mess the sober and miserable.
I know most people won’t read this long rant, it was more just for me to get it out. But any help is appreciated, love you all and hope to help some people on here who are struggling.
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Snowboarder686
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Hi Snowboarder, I did read each and every word you wrote. Thank you so much for giving us a little idea of where you are coming from. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your girlfriend. I am however, proud of your 3 yr sobriety. Embrace that accomplishment that no one can take away from you.
That will be the strength that you will hang onto when the urge to go back comes up. And it will. Because of my severe anxiety at one time, I became dependent on Benzos. Never misused them but never the less, it causes a craving that isn't easy to overcome.
It's got to be a personal decision (just as you made 3 years ago)
I've been offered prescriptions for benzos by my doctors but have always refused. It was a
steep mountain to climb and I don't want to slide back down and start over again.
The first few cravings may be strong but know that you are stronger this time around.
Is a few minutes of pleasure worth a lifetime of addiction?
You're fortunate that you have a place to go back to even if it is where you use to get high.
Only you can change what it use to be to what it will be in the future. You took the first
step in coming on this amazing site where you will be able to talk out your feelings with others going through the same issues. Believe me, there are many here for you to talk with.
Try 50,000 worldwide. You are not alone new friend. This is just the start of a new beginning for you. I'd like to Welcome you. I'm glad you are here with us. xx
Hi agora, thank you so much for tour response. I’ve also had to go through benzo withdrawal and it was one of the worst. Your words give me a lot of hope. I’m thankful I still have the hope things can get better but my depression has been keeping me from putting in the action to form healthy relationships and routines but I think I gotta stop waiting for the motivation and just do it regardless of my feelings. It feels good to have such a welcoming community I can come to now. Happy to be here! 😁
Hey love , I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. Almost everything you said resonated with me and I appreciate your post so much. Drugs has been my home for so long and I only just decided to get clean 4 days ago. I’m terrified because drinking and using drugs has been my medical treatment for so long that I truly don’t know how to build friendships/relationships without them.
You give me hope that I can. We both can. I’m sending you love and support and I know we can do this.
I hope you get a grip on your depression and social anxiety. I’m so proud of you for posting - that was so brave. Thank you for sharing.
Hi green, thank you for your response. 4 days is huge and I’m super happy for you! I completely understand how you feel when you say you don’t know how to build friendships/ relationships without drugs, let alone just live life without a substance. I couldn’t imagine life being good sober, I just couldn’t imagine it.
For me, I needed help from others and that was hard because of my social anxiety but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I attended an A.A. meeting and slowly but surely my life got amazingly better fast with the help of the people in A.A. and the 12 steps. I admit I shyd away from AA a bit in the past year and that may be a big reason why my depression has gotten worse but it I had one suggestion on staying sober based off my own experience on staying sober, it would be to find local AA meetings (or zoom meetings because of Covid) and to get a sponsor. It definitely requires having an open mind to follow the program but it saved my life. Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. ❤️
Hello, congratulations on staying sober this long! Do you believe in 12 step recovery? If so, I hope you can find an online meeting to help. The Dopey Podcast is an amazing podcast full of “war stories” and has a strong community on Facebook that support each other as well.
Hi Casaak, I do believe in 12 step recovery and is main reason I been sober this long. I just wasn’t sure if I should talk in length about me being in 12 step recovery with the 12th tradition on anonymity and all, I definitely don’t want to give anyone the impression 12 step recovery doesn’t work.
I still attend some meetings but not nearly as many as I used to, and I haven’t had a sponsee in almost a year. Slowly I start to get my doubts about 12 step recovery since I’m still depressed but In the back of my mind I know it’s probably because I’m not giving it 100%. I will definitely check out that podcast, thanks for your response😊
Welcome welcome welcome buddy,We hear u and we read, in fact we are readers, not of books thou (joking). Anyways u have come to the right place. We might not change ur mind, we might not even give u a gift but there is one thing we are guaranteed to do, that is lend an ear. I luv that u realized ur mistakes and are picking up the pieces. I have never been through what u been thru, but there ae lot of ppl here who have. One thing I learnt in life is that it is always better to speak to someone who has gone through ur experiences bcz when they say they understand what u are going through, they are not lying to u. One thing I know for a fact though is that when u want to get rid of something or running away from something, there must be a replacement of it bcz the space is still vacant, if it is not filled, u will go back to what u were initially running away from. Have u found a replacement? Depression can take over if ur mind is not busy with something else.
Thank you annoy! Everyone is so welcoming and it’s great. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. I agree with your opinions and definitely think it’s important to have a replacement for what drugs were doing for me. In the beginning, it was the program of recovery and the people in it that helped me. Now it’s less of the program and meetings since I do not have the same access that I used to, and is more my hobbies like snowboarding and skateboarding. Depression has caused me to think more and act less but I’m glad to have taken the step to come on here and share my struggles and experience. Thanks for the response!
Dealing with depression is a long journey, so as long as u are here, u will find us and whenever we get time to log in, we will still be here as long as we are breathing. I have found a home here and a sense of belonging. I see a great difference between this and social media such as (instergram, whattup, Facebook, etc). This is where I find genuine people who are not into bragging and being fakey, so we will aways be here.
Hiya...I’m 38 and ride a forum destroyer.
I started abusing booze and drugs early on as well. Always had a work ethic. Always stayed in shape. At 22 yes old I had a shoulder surgery and ate Vicodin for about 8 years afterward. Stopped messing with club drugs and speed and trips when I met my wife. Was just eating Vicodin drinking beers and grinding.
Stopped the Vicodin overnight with weed after feeling too much shame.
Pretty much stuck to drinking and weed afterward.
That went well for years until I checked myself into treatment center for suicide.
Sobered up for first time in like 20 years. Went well for a year or so. Feelings came back.
Perspective came back.
Started using weed daily again and I’m still on placebo meds only because of the withdrawal.
Life is hard...depression blows but perspective is everything. that is why you ride buttery on your board.🙏
Thanks dude, I appreciate you replying and sharing your experience. I just got a new lobster, haldor pro and can’t wait to go rip on the mountain this weekend. Best of luck on your journey of recovery man
First, congrats on 3 years clean! That is a great investment in yourself. It kind of sounds like perhaps you are grieving. You made a wonderful, yet drastic change, and it could be that while your body adjusted, your mind is still trying to catch up. If you're not in counseling, it could help you make mental adjustments. It's not a step back, just the next step on the rehab journey. Prayers for wisdom and guidance.
Thank you Pam! I am going to look into therapy/ counseling, I’ve only relied on my sober support friends till now but think it would be best to see a professional.
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I’m glad you’re here! I’m gonna head to bed, but I wanted to welcome you first 
New here and struggling 
New here and struggling with caring for parents
New anxiety/depression person here
Struggling with depression
Hey, I’m new here. : )
