Going backwards

[Musicalmind]

I feel like i take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Things have really gone down hill again for me. I dont trust anyone around me anymore and question everything. Timing of events, ehats been said and think people are out to get me. My world is getting smaller and it just feels easier to push everyone away and be alone with little to no interaction with other people. Im just tired of questioning all the time whether people are genuine or not. My mind wont stop going there. Im trying to get therapy but have to wait for financial reasons. Trying the free clinic next week.

[MidnightBriarRose]

Hi, Musicalmind,

I know exactly how you feel about taking one step forward and three steps back, as this is how i have been feeling lately. I was doing so well for about the last 4 - 5 months and then some things triggered my anxiety, about a month and a half ago. And my OCD and anxiety has been terrible since those things triggered me and I was already dealing with depression. It is just so frustrating and very hard to deal with, especially because i am having a hard time making myself do the things i need to do for myself.

I also know what it is like to feel paranoid and question whether people can be trusted. And i think part of, if not all, of the reason that i do this is because i have been through so much emotional abuse, in my past, both from my parents and also some friends and other people, while i was growing up. I know you mentioned that you have CPTSD and i have sometimes wondered if i might have some form of PTSD, too, though i have never been diagnosed with it.

I do know that OCD can cause paranoia, as the intrusive thoughts can sometimes magnify thoughts and feelings that were already present, so i am wondering if you might be experiencing some sort of OCD symptoms, as well, that might be contributing to the thoughts that you are already having? But, of course, going through abuse is enough, just on it's own, to cause a person to have a hard time trusting people. So i completely understand where you're at.

I also know that depression and anxiety, just by it's very nature, causes us to tend to be hard on ourselves, so try not to beat yourself up too much about your desire to isolate from people. Especially because it is understandable for you to want to do that, when you have been through a lot of unpleasant experiences with people.

But, with regard to trusting people, my advice to you is always trust your instincts; because I believe it will never steer you wrong. I believe that God gave us our instincts for a reason. And it is part of our inner compass to help guide us in the right direction.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much, but hopefully my words will help you in some way; even if it is just in the knowledge that there is someone else out there who understands and also can empathize with what you are going through.

🌿❤🌿

[Musicalmind in reply to MidnightBriarRose]

Your words are helpful and I think all the mental abuse as a kid from those closest to me started my trust issues. It was over a long period of time. Then so called friends lie to your face, taje advantage and sometimes out right scheme behind uou back with a smkle on their face. While acting like thry give a shit about you. Then kick you to the curb when they get what they want. That has happened too.

[MidnightBriarRose in reply to Musicalmind]

I agree with you and I went through abuse for many years, too. I also received abuse from some of the people who called themselves my best friends. And I got bullied in school, all through my middle school years and off and on during my first couple of years of high school. So I had emotional abuse from all directions. So I get you! I used to think that time would heal me of these wounds. But with time, I have learned, that some things can only be healed by seeking out help to get that healing. And for me, I know it is probably going to take me working through those issues with a trained professional counselor of some sort. Have you ever sought out any type of counseling for the things you have been through? And has it helped?

[Musicalmind in reply to MidnightBriarRose]

I have gone to therapy and ended up spending 13 years with a person that gave no feedback or helped me understand. Just see you next time. I never got the help i needed and eventually quit going. I figured whats the difference. Things got worse this last year, but there were a lot of stressors that didnt help. I went to another place and learned more anout my struggles in 4 days. Since then i have been working on them. I did a 30 day program and took any tools i could get from there. Once i start working i can afford to go back to therapy and find someone that underdtands my issues. I think i will continue healing. The more i understand about my issues the better equipped i am to deal with them. I just spent so many years not understanding why i felt the way i did and feeling like i cant trust my myself with my thoughts and ny interpretation of whst k see. Then when i get it wrong i hurt tjose around me. The constant struggle of what to trust is exhausting. When i feel like i reached the point of not being able to trust someone i cut them out of my life. I have few friends and it is just more comgortable being alone.

[MidnightBriarRose in reply to Musicalmind]

I understand completely why you would get frustrated with not getting the help you need from your counselor. We go to them for help with the issues we need help with, so if they are not able to help us, it's a very upsetting thing and also a big hassle to have to find a new counselor. Unfortunately, i know how that feels, as i have tried a lot of counselors that ended up being the wrong counseling match for me. And it's such a hassle to start with a new one, because then you, basicly, have to tell them your whole life story, all over again. It is hard to feel like you don't trust someone, but if you know in your heart that you really can't trust the person, then sometimes the best decision IS to get them out of your life. Of course, i would only recommend doing that, if you have given them the chance to make things right with you. But if they don't do that and they keep hurting you, without at least trying to make an effort to make things right, then sometimes, the best thing to do is walk away. Because at the end of the day, or at any point in the day, you have to live in your own shoes and be happy. And life is too short not to try to find happiness and peace.

I truly hope you find the help you need and that you find the happiness and peace that you deserve.

All the best to you.

🌿🌹🌿💗🌿🌹🌿

[Musicalmind in reply to MidnightBriarRose]

Thank you, its a learning process and my learning curve is very slow in this area. I will get there at some point. How are you doing? I hope things are going well and message me anytime if you need support.

[MidnightBriarRose in reply to Musicalmind]

I know exactly what you mean, as my learning curve, with regard to that, has been slow, too. I’m doing a little better than I was, but I’m still struggling to get past the depression and the anxiety that got triggered about a month and a half ago.

Thank you so much! And please, also, message me anytime if you need support, as well.

[Hoping102938]

I think I can relate. I feel like everyone hates me. Sometimes I don’t act upon it because in some instances it turns out they were really my allies. Sometimes I wish I had stuck up for myself more. It’s hard to trust my instinct because I feel like it was trained bad. What I have found does help is when I write down my actions and try to look at it as if another person did them. I tend to not judge others as harshly as myself and I try to think of myself as an other.

I have also found that if someone hasn’t been through trauma and recognized it as such, then they very well, without nefarious intention, not respond appropriately to me. I have to work on boundaries and limit who I share myself with. When I slip then it correlates with paranoid thinking.

One time I was convinced a certain person stopped talking to me because I did something wrong. I kept going over every interaction, every detail. Turns out they had cancer and was on leave coping with that. I felt terrible. It was all in my head. Which brings me back to trying think outside myself. If I had tried the exercise of writing out my actions and thinking about if it were another person, it would have dampened the misleading thoughts ( not eliminate them).

[Musicalmind in reply to Hoping102938]

Thank you for your response also.

[Trying1268]

Hi Musicalmind, you are not alone. I am currently taking a few steps forward and a few steps back. Remind yourself that getting better is all about this process. If it were easy, or if one path worked for everyone, they we would all follow that path. I know I would.

Take things one day at a time. Please also search the posts for my "Re-frame your thinking" approach.

Be well.

[Musicalmind in reply to Trying1268]

I will do that. I have to say that im very thankful i found this group. It is nice to have genuine people to talk to about my struggles. Mainly just knowing im not alone in this. Thank you.