Anxiety is Gone... But at What Cost?

[Halak41]

I posted here a month or two ago about stuff going on in my life. I took 30 days no contact with my ex to better myself. I went to therapy. I've been on Zoloft since all this mess started.

About 85/90% of the anxiety is gone... But life still isn't treating me kindly. I've fallen into a really dark depression and those passive thoughts about being better off gone have come back in full swing.

My ex and I started hooking up. He's the one that started telling me he wants to take it slow and not rush into a full fledged relationship so soon. So naturally, I agreed. Out of the blue he texts me and he got drunk and realized he never wants to be with me again. It's never going to happen then tried saying that's what he thought I thought was gonna happen if we kept hooking up. So he turned it on me when he was the one talking about another potential relationship.

I also told my mom about the tattoos i got, that after 23 years I was finally happy to be 'myself' because mental illness turned me into a shell. She flipped out and ignored me for a week. She texted my sister telling her how worthless we are and how she wants to give up because we're not her ideal, perfect little innocent children anymore.

Knowing that I'm worthless to her, triggered all these worthless thoughts in my head. I started believing how worthless I was/am to my ex. That no matter how much I've changed he refuses to even want to give me a chance to show him that unless we're sleeping together.

I've reached out to friends about these thoughts. I was ignored, not taken seriously and told I was being selfish and just passing the pain to them. Look, I get it, but I am truly exhausted of everything. I am so tired of constantly battling with my brain no matter how "good" I think I'm doing.

As cliche as this sounds, the one person I do want comfort from, he wants none of that. I just want a hug.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't live. I just exist and I'm miserable

[Trying1268]

Hi Halak,I hate to be so direct but it sounds like your bf is just trying to get laid. He does not really care about helping you or understanding your situation. So you know what, kick him to the curb!

You are better off without him causing you all this sadness.

Your friends also do not sound all that helpful. I hear what they are saying about you being negative around them however, they should be helping you rather than just seeing you as a negative person.

As for your mom. Sometimes parents say things they do not mean because they want the best for their children. I think her words may have been a bit over dramatic about the situation. Perhaps once she has time to think it over she will realize.

Do you have a therapist or someone to talk to about your issues? If not you are still not alone because the form is here to listen.

Be well.

[Oneseedatatime]

Halak41,

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us!

I am compelled to let you know that while the season you are in seems like it has no solution or end...it does and it will.

We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for or stronger than we allow ourselves to be because we fall prey to the deception of our value being found in ANYONE else (even our parents). No one holds or determines our value, only we can do that.

Finding our value on any level in others and their validation is a certain loss. Why? Well, because it is based on their emotions and emotions are fleeting/deceiving/misleading/and a reflection of how a person feels about themselves not others.

You my dear are worth your weight in gold and the only way to discover your worth is to search yourself for it. Prioritize you! Take time for you. Commit to engaging in therapy, your health, your dreams/hopes/and plans. Disengage from those that you have verbalized are influencing your perception of yourself right now. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it will hurt. BUT to find yourself you may have to lose a few on the way.

Praying for you!