I wanted everyone’s opinion about a problem I’m having with my long term live in boyfriend. He’s a police officer and has expensive hobbies that keeps him busy and very engaged in his own “stuff”.
I do the household bills and tell him each month what he needs to contribute.
Well I was so depressed and sick at the beginning of the year with depression that I never calculated his portion for 7 months.... instead of him knowing that he usually needs to contribute around $1600 monthly and just not spending the money because eventually I would be asking him for his portion he spent all of his money while I was not telling him monthly totals of what he owes... because I couldn’t even take care of my daily living needs let alone calculate his portions that he owes me....fast forward to now, I calculated the last 7 months of outstanding money he owes and guess what... he couldn’t pay any of the back bills to me because he spent all the money on expensive cameras- which is his hobby. (I have all the bills get paid automatically monthly to the creditors right out of my bank account so no bills were not delinquent. I was just paying for everything and he contributed nothing. When I gave him the grand total of back bills owed to me he said I don’t have any money to give u. And started yelling at me that it was my fault since I never gave him the totals over 7 months. I told him he knew he would owe me money around $1600 per month so why did he spend that money knowing it would be owed to me. I feel like he took advantage of me and now he is making small payments $200 or so to catch up on a huge bill. He makes me sick! During the time he wanted to give me money here and there but my anxiety was too much and I told him I couldn’t deal with it at the time... and that I would try to add up everything and let him know. I’m mad that I have to wait for money that he knew he would owe me and he didn’t give a damn. He is very selfish. He has not helped me dig out of the bottomless pit of depression and anxiety at all. When I was really bad I told him that I needed help with meals and groceries so I could eat nutritious foods so my mind could function and guess what... he would cook one meal and then we were right back to eating crap everyday. Back story- I helped him raise his 3 kids when he was a single father... I cooked, cleaned, took kids to lessons, went to school teacher meetings, bought Christmas, birthday presents, easter baskets for his 3 kids out of my pocket for years and years and he can’t even take care of me by cooking and cleaning for me during a very serious mental breakdown that caused me to go on FMLA from my job..... I told him I helped keep him and his kids afloat (better than afloat) and I was hurt that he hasn’t done anything to help me dig my way up out of my hole.... what are your thoughts? I’m so tired of the one way relationship where he benefits and I get screwed over... it’s all about him and I’m wondering if some of my mental problems stem from this relationship. Any thoughts? Thanks for listening to me ramble but I’m very hurt.
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RecreateMyself
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Just playing devil's advocate here but some people are just useless with money. Not knowing what they owe or when they owe it. It sounds like you have been in charge. Now having said that he knew all and well that he was not paying any bills for 7months, he can claim stupidity for the first month or so but after that, he would have realized he had disposable income believe me. I also believe that he won't have the money to pay you since he probably spent it on useless things. That is what people do when they are bad with money.
I am an accountant so here is some advise.1.Get a joint account.
The bills are to be paid from there only. Each of you transfers your portion of bill payments into that account so that the bills are paid from that account only and not just yours. If he does not put his half in, then they do not get paid. He learns to be responsible for his half no matter what. This also prevents you from being the only bill payer every month.
2.Make sure the joint account is a savings account, that way transfers out will take 2 business days and need both account holders approval. This way he can not use this money for useless things.
**Ensure you understand all laws in your country for how withdrawals can be made before you open the account. That way there is no surprises.
This is how I advise all my clients. One person should not be the sole bill payer in case of emergencies and or marital issues.
If I can be of any further help. Just let me know.
Be strong
It's totally understandable why you feel the way you do. I know it would be hard and painful, but I think you need to seriously consider making some plans to leave him. His hobby should not come before paying his share of household expenses. I'm so sorry this is what you're going through.
Thank u for your response. I read your response and started crying instantly. I guess I agree that I need to leave him. He is a taker..... he take care of himself and that is his focus. I ask him for help with random things that require strength around the house and he never come through. I’ve asked him to pick up prescriptions for me and he forgets....if I don’t remind him 5 times in an hour. But he can spend hours on the phone with his friends listening to their problems and doing research to help them with their issues but he’s never done that for me... ever.
Wow. You have been way too kind dear. Enough is enough. This sounds as if he is taking advantage during the time that you are most vulnerable and that is not cool. I wouldn't make a major decision (right now) because of the way you're feeling BUT I would start a plan. A person who only looks out for himself, knowing full well that they're partner is suffering isn't a worthy partner and I'm sorry to say probably never will be. Please take care of yourself and come on here to vent, there are so many kind, loving people on here. Best of luck and a hug!!
I think you need to talk to him. What do you like about him? What would you like him to do? Watch some videos on non violent communication. Handling money is just one aspect in a relationship. What would he like from you? Maybe hearing and understamding his perspective can bring you closer together.
I can see where you would feel hurt. Honestly in my entire life I've never found anyone that could be there for me when I was depressed. I even lost several friends by telling them that I was suicidal, just never heard from them again. Most people just don't want to deal with it. That's why I'm so grateful to have found this site.
We also have to remember that everyone has gone through a tragedy this year, this pandemic has been hard on everyone. And everyone has dealt with the grief of it in their own way.
Not in any way condoning what he did, but I think you have to forgive for yourself otherwise the poison will eat you up inside. We all have faults , we all make mistakes even in the best of times. And this year has been one of the worse.
Think long and hard about if you're really ready to be alone. I can't give any relationship advice I haven't been in one in a really long time.
I just know that living in hurt and anger will hurt you more than it does anyone else. And it's not easy I still have difficulty with it. I am trying to lower my expectations of others , it makes life better for me.
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