I feel like I'm alone. I have a family who cares about me but they are a big part of causing my depression and I have lost my connection with them. Their words don't comfort me anymore.
I have really good friends. They are my family but now everyone has a job or something and nobody has time to talk with me much. I have tried to make friends at the place I'm studying right now but no one seems to want to connect at a real level. Its like everyone's just a colleague. There are very less real talks. I guess everyone has there support systems in place and they don't need more.
I did try to connect more with someone and did talk in a real way but that doesn't seem to last long either. I am all in but the person at the other end isn't and this is the second time this has happened this year. I know I'm the only one who can help myself and all but I just feel so alone and lost. I feel afraid to do anything, to take any responsibility. Haven't slept properly from 5 days either and probably won't for another one week. Bad living arrangement. I also have lots of work to do that I want to do but all these feelings are blurring my head and obstructing me from doing anything and I know this will come as a regret later and hit me bad again.
Just needed to get this out. Sorry if I triggered someone's anxiety or depression. I just wanted to share what I was going through.
Written by
oldtimer159
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Hi Old Timer. So glad you found us and reached out. One thing you didn’t mention was a therapist. They can’t provide everything you need but they can help a lot. When my own depression got to the point where yours is just knowing I had that relationship in place and that I had a time every week when I could see them got me through some of the hardest times. Even so, I completely understand your need for that special friend and/or family member who really gets it on a deep level. You do not have to travel this road alone. As long as you realize that no one else can “fix” you (as you clearly do) keep reaching out. A lot of people care about you and you are willing to let people in and to receive the help you need. So many are unable to do that. What do I know but I feel strongly that you will be all right because of your strength in getting through each day, and your insight in knowing what you need (and your willingness to get it). Please look into getting a therapist. By the way you strike me as being someone who others confide in and that when you are well you are that person who really gets it on a deep level.....the kind of person you are looking for now. Always know we’re here to help.
I really appreciate your kind words. And I know I should see a therapist but its not possible right now I haven't started to earn. I have 1.5 yes left to get a job after my masters. So my parents pay for everything right now and I don't want to tell them anything about what I'm going through as it will break them knowing they were one of the reasons I didn't want to live. So I'm getting through with some hope sometimes. I've gone through worse than I am going through right now and I'll keep trying to search new methods to get better. I'm glad that this forum exists and for you replying to my post.
Not wanting to get entangled with your parents makes perfect sense, oldtimer. And I get that money is tight in terms of getting a therapist. Just one thing to know: many (not all) therapists have a sliding fee scale that might make it possible for you to afford treatment. I totally get that you may not want to go that route right now but it may be something to consider in the future.
Important to realize it's not an "or" it's an "and". As in Therapy *and* family *and* friends *and* HealthUnlimited, etc. You'll heal the best and the fastest with a multipronged approach (eggs in many baskets)!
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Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
