Some of you that have kept up with my post probably already know how anxious I am and how lonely I get. It's really difficult for me to make friends and it's been this way since I was young and I blocked out these memories. I guess i'm just venting again and also using real names just to get the pain out of my system in hopes that I can heal from this. I came to the conclusion that this is why I don't trust many girls and that is heart breaking for me because I only want to connect with other girls.
I had a best friend in middle school named Maleeka. I met her when I was more outgoing and social. At this time I had a lot of friends and almost everyone in that school knew me in some way or another. We were so incredibly close and we had strong emotions so we would express to each other how much we cared for one another, mostly through notes. We'd pass eachother notes during passing period and I would save every single one in a shoe box. We'd cry together and always looked for each other when the school bell rang. I also introduced her to another girl I got close with a it was always the three of us during lunch.
Things changed drastically with maleeka during the 8th grade where she would yell at me from time to time for saying something that hurt her feelings, but i was also sensitive so I didn't care at all. She would be mean to me then instantly apologize afterwards by saying she was just jealous of something or she'd admit to anger issues. Whatever. I still didn't care, she was my best friend! She felt emotions we have all felt. By this time I solely started hanging out with her because a part of me felt like she needed me, although as the year went on she kept getting worse with how she treated me.
Our friendship stopped during P.E. when I got extremely fed up with her. Our class was jogging around this basketball court to warm up and she kept pushing me.?? gosh i can't even believe how vivid these memories are because I was only 13 years old. but anyway, she kept pushing and pushing and laughing then I got fed up and pushed her back (barely) and her eyes turned BLACK and she pushed me so hard I slid far on the concrete and she stepped over me and looked down and said "don't you ever touch me again." and instantly two other girls from my class ran up to me, girls I never really talked to, and said "hey.. omg are you okay?? aren't you two friends. we would never do that to our friend." and eventually I became closer with these two girls because I also had drama class with them.. but after that I can't remember talking much to other people. I always thought I was going to be in friendships where other girls were competing with me or secretly hated me. Even the girls in my nursing school will say things passive agressively and I will get triggered thinking they think it's a competion. I hate it so much because I don't think I'm better than anyone at all. I want to run away from friendships but at the same time.. I need them. I need to care for people and love and cling to someone. Not in an unhealthy way but to show someone appreciation and get that reciprocation but the memories hurt me.
99/100 people ull meet in life will be jealous or competitive, or not wanting to see u ahead of them in life. Its not unnatural, it how humans roll. They work in groups but are most competitive too. But that doesn't mean that u stop trusting them all, you need to be open to others to be able to find that 1/100 who will be there for u no matter what. And even if one has been ur best frd for 10 years there are some times in life when both of you might not be on the same page. The experience you had was tragic and u didn't deserve it but that doesn't mean that u shut urself to the world, just know even now when ull talk to frds, classmates most of them will be jealous and would not be able to digest your success. But that's ok, move beyond it, just focus on the few who will support u even when u have moved ahead of them or when u need them the most.
Also its a two way street, you cannot blame all the girls around u based on a few incidences in your life, we all have these examples where we have been betrayed n left in the middle. But we need to pick our broken pieces n let other people help us.
Its very normal to be competitive, and sometimes feel sad too if your frd has started moving ahead in life and u r either on the place or may be even moving behind. And u cannot reject people if they feel that, the feeling is embedded in human, what u need to see is who is supporting you even when they might be having some of those feelings. And who is there for you. And for that ull hav to know people and giv them a chance, and keep the caution in mind that in the end ull hav only a handful of people who are truly there for you.
I don’t know how it amazes me you always know what to say to make me feel better! Especially because I did not look at it from that point of view. I’ve been so self centered thinkings oh I’m not competitive so no one else should be but it’s a normal thing.. you’re absolutely right. You give the best advice! I’m grateful for you.
I feel vulnerable to friends too. Like once you open yourself up to friendship you also open yourself to being hurt more. That’s the thing about true friendship, it’s selfless, so sometimes it might hurt. There is an expression, take the good and leave the rest behind. That’s how I try to deal with friendship, although it’s hard to explain. And it requires some thick skin or the ability to rise above some hurts. Just don’t let people take advantage of you and never sacrifice your self respect. You did the right thing in pushing back.
in reply to
Thank you Phil! I agree with friendship or any relationship there’s a risk. And that’s more difficult if you can’t easily rise above the hurt that comes from it. I always appreciate your responses!
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