I lost my beloved father to COVID-19. It has changed me on every level. Coping with the loss has been so unbearable. It’s my first loss of this sort. I’m married to man with 2 kids. The amount of disrespect and lack of empathy from these 2 self-centered teenagers is eating at me every single day making my marriage extremely rocky. I don’t have any kids of my own and to top things, my spouse will not entertain adoption building my resentment even further. I have zero support from my family. I have no idea how I’m managing. I drink 2 glasses of wine every single night just to fall asleep. My husband has split custody every week of his two helpless and spoiled teenagers leaving me all alone half the week. Simply pathetic that I am settling for any of this. I refuse to partake in being a part of that. When I have tried in the past, his kids treated me like crap and my husband allowed it, and still enables it. He thinks they are perfect🤮. Which is worse— loneliness or being alone?
Thoughts? What would you do and why? - Anxiety and Depre...
Thoughts? What would you do and why?
Hello and welcome! I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't speak to the kid part since I don't have any; I can only imagine how frustrating and maddening that may be for you.
Thanks for the kind words. It truly is just awful. I feel like cancer is developing at a slow rate inside of me due to all the unhappiness and stress.
Why are you saying cancer is developing inside you? Is that for real?
🥺
I am dying inside form the stress, the resentment - it’s just how I feel 
I can't tell you how sad your words make me.
😒
My gosh I’m not trying to make you nor anyone sad - I was just sharing my pain and emptiness- I apologize for making you sad.
Don't apologize, please!!!
That's the way I am. I'm the type of person who feels sad for everything. I prefer to be like that rather than indifferent to the suffering of others, even animals. I would hate myself.
I am the one who must apologize to you for making you feel bad with what I said.
Please, get in touch with me whenever you feel bad. Please!!
Oh you’re so kind and I appreciate your support- it’s much needed! Today I am trying to refrain from all negative thoughts. I decided this after having a terrible dream of my husband and I fighting over him not having my back - in my dream - can u imagine?! My health is deteriorating over some man - I’m letting that happen! 🤯🔫
I have a trick that I use when I feel I can't take it anymore.
I love classical music, it is my favorite and when I feel sad and depressed I start listening to it and I feel a wonderful sense of peace.
It doesn't really have to be classical music, I think any kind of music you like can help you. You have nothing to lose.🎶🎵🎼
Interesting, because that’s all I do. I play my Spotify music on the speakers all day and I draw and paint. But the waves of abandonment and pain eventually creeps up. Sometime I have nightmares of my digging my beloved from the ground. I wake up with jaw pain from grinding my teeth. And so on. Walking on eggshells and know that my spouse will ask for a divorce at any given moment... it’s just too much to bare. And so I drink half a bottle of wine every night to cope.
Dear SadBear. I know you don't want me to say that makes me sad but it does. I wish I could help you. It's not fair.
You'll be better off without him. Getting divorced is difficult but eventually you'll start feeling better and one day you'll be able to enjoy the little things life will offer you. Believe me! You deserve it.
Remember: "It's better to be alone than in bad company".
Yep you’re probably right. Problem is that I am trapped. Have no idea how to get out even if I tried. The pandemic is t helping. Thanks a million for being an active listener and supporting me. Means so much during these times.
I wish I could do more. I'm feeling very lonely today but there's nothing I can do about it.
A big hug...
You have helped by listening and sharing your thoughts. Thank you. I’m sorry you are feeling lonely. May I ask why? What triggered that for you? Me too I’m so lonely, alone and down today. My husband still hasn’t checked in on me aka HIS WIFE. Some people! Shocking when we think we know them.
Hi!
The reason is both my family and my husband's are very far away. Mine is in a different country and my husband's in different states. We are alone here.
Our best friends recently moved to another state.
A friend invited us to spend Christmas with her and her family but even though she is a very nice person, her husband is not. We don't want to see him.
In addition, the whole family will be there and they say that it is very dangerous because of the pandemic.
It seems that people are not being careful and that is one of the reasons why the virus is spreading.
I have many health problems and it is dangerous for me. 😭😢
Gosh I am so sorry to hear about your health problems. And if I may, I would advise you to not take any risk. My father (who is probably much older than you) had a lot of health issues and COVID-19 took his life. COVID-19 is a real thing. My Father is now gone. Forever. So yes, maybe you and your husband are alone but you have each other!!!!! Many don’t even have that. Look I am married, but my husband chooses to be with his kids this holiday. So that means I will be alone! No family, no siblings, no husband, no dog, no cat. Nothing. If I were you, you and your husband could maybe try and celebrate each other, play board games and watch romantic comedies. It could be A LOT worse.
Thank you for the nice words. Yes, I'm very lucky to have my husband 💖
I really hope you are going to be Ok. Whenever you can let me know how you are doing.
I'm sending a big HUG your way... 💝 🥰.
Thank you so much. I wish you a safe and wonderful holiday together.
hi so sorry to hear about your father god bless.if your partner is turning a blind eye to his kids behaviour it can either be he him showing you a lack of respect or he just doesn`t know how to keep them in check.set some boundries tell him how you see it and if nothing changes then you need to rethink your relationship.we have a bereavement forum here also and it maybe of added support to you its called bereavement care and share its a small community but very supportive.god bless and take care.
Thanks for your words wisdom. Honestly, he treats me well and it’s a darn shame when it comes to those rotten rats. He knows I’m right but just isn’t cut out to be a disciplinarian. Never was , never will be. There is so much guilt on his part because his ex is an awful mother to them so he overdoes it. He’s awful at setting boundaries because he never raised him with any! It’s my first marriage and his second. I would love to join a bereavement group. How can I?
My condolences on the passing of your father. So sad.
SadBear, nobody has to put up with the situation you're going through.
Life is one, it's short and it's borrowed.
If you feel so bad, think of a solution that is convenient for you. Think what is better ... continue to suffer that situation or get out of the problem? You have the right to be happy. You don't have to keep living like this.
I ended my first marriage because of the way my husband treated me. It was tough, but I finally got over it and now I'm happily married to a wonderful man.
Be very careful. I also started drinking to feel better and was becoming an alcoholic!. Fortunately I stopped in time. That doesn't solve anything.
Good luck! Hugs.
Believe me it’s been almost 5 years and if I could at my old age, I would. Problem is I have no one, no job and no savings. I put myself in this situation. Luckily I don’t have to live with them and stay away. I feel so trapped. If I could have one wish I would move on but can’t given my circumstances. He disappears. And doesn’t have the spousal decency to call and check on me.
Aww... That's a terrible situation. I am sooo sorry. I hope you find a way out of this situation. It has to be almost unbearable...
🥺
It totally is. Thanks so much for your support. Life is strange. Strangers are more supportive than the own spouse and rotten stepkids and my own mom - I am not suicidal because I’m too scared but I often wish that I went with my beloved father too. 💔
I fully understand what you say. I have felt that way many times.
💖
I created and signed up for this mess. I just need to unmess this mess now. Not sure how with this pandemic and lack of support. It’s nice to hear that you at now remarried to lovely new person. Am happy for you. Honestly, now that I am too old to conceive, I would never want to get remarried again. What for? Especially having stepkids again. No way. Never again. Being happy alone is better than being married but feeling lonely.
I understand what you're saying. I'm not young either and I don't have children because my first husband was sterile. (another one of his many problems).
I don't know if he knew that when we got married. It was one of the most horrible things that have happened to me. I cried all the time.
My current husband was divorced when I met him and he has three daughters. I consider the oldest one as my own daughter. She doesn't get along with her mother and we have a wonderful relationship. One day she said to me "I wish you were my mom".
Unfortunately, she lives far away from us. We go visit her at least once a year but this year because of of the pandemic we couldn't do it.
I'm sending you a hug... for what it's worth..
🙄
Oh wow that is so nice to hear that there are stepdaughters out there that are kind. I am envious! I wish I had that. I wish I had a sister. I wish I had a child of my own. You sound like a very sweet, tender and caring lady. I’m thinking of adopting and being a single mom - this is my first marriage and my husband is sterile too - he kept it from me until after we fell in love and got married (so angry about that but he denies it of course). In fairness to him we have tried IVF 4 times and all were unsuccessful. But my desire to be a mum hasn’t changed! And it doesn’t help that my husbands daughter is a freak just like her own mother. But I’m married to a guy that thinks his first born daughter is perfect - but I see all the manipulation and how she uses her dad for money, free rent and has never worked a day in her life - she taps into her fathers jewish guilt - just like his pathetic ex wife. Like mother, like daughter. Anyways, I feel so alone, lonely and trapped. I let this happen. My husband refuses adoption and I cannot imagine the rest of my life revolving all of them - not fair. I totally envision it— when I’m sick and dying his kids would never visit me and steer their father away just to themselves. I unfortunately rely on my husband financially and have not worked since we got married and tried to start a family. When we are alone, I do love him. We do have awesome alone time. But he always tells me he cannot live 2 separate lives - and my response has always been it’s because none of these jerks respect me - he won’t establish boundaries because he does not believe in “rules” - so what am I to do?! He used care so much for me but I feel a huge difference in his care for me. He loves me for sure but he’s checked out. He’s preoccupied and after spending half a week alone with me he is bursting through seam because he looks forward to spending the other half the week with his rats. He spends every New Years with his kids and this year, yet again I will be alone on New Years. He says I’m always welcome and that, I choose to be alone. But when I join them, the disrespectful and self entitled rude teenagers I have to deal with is too upsetting. Such an epiphany- alone when I’m alone and when I’m with them I feel very isolated and lonely. To top things, I miss my dad so much. I watched COVID-19 take his life. Am grieving on so many levels. I will stop ranting now. Sorry I’m oozing so much pain, confusion and feelings of entrapment. Thank you dear for listening and corresponding with me. I need that and felt your hug too!
Not all the stepdaughters are nice. The second one does not love her father. She totally ignores him. She has been horrible to him despite the fact that he tries to be nice to her. Her mother poisoned her against him. She doesn't like me either, of course but I couldn't care less. It's good she lives far away.
👍
I am so sorry for the loss of your father.😔 I don't have any advice for you, except that I hope God can give you healing from your terrible grief. 🙏
Many thanks, me too :’(. Truly appreciate it.
You're welcome
hi scroll to the bottom and go to A-Z communities.
When we marry another with kids, we marry the kids too, if the ex is still in the picture that comes with the territory as well. It’s a very hard pill swallow, to think until the kids go off to college or leave the nest you’ll be intertwined with constant battling yourself, what you feel is lack of support from your husband, kids that treat you like an outsider (but you really are to them). My question is, besides the kids is your husband tentative to your needs, enjoys being married to you absent the issues with his kids? He’s supportive, etc.
Your role isn’t to like them or to be any type of mothering figure, just to support your husband and be kind to them. Forget how they seem like spoiled little kids, they probably are. I’m sure financial issues enter the picture too which are other arguments. As far adoption or you wanting kids of your own, these are things that must be addressed early on or your are left with thinking later on, the other will change their mind, etc.
I’ve got first hand knowledge of how this feels. His kids will think you are the evil step mother, youll appear unwilling to put in effort, attend functions, always on the sidelines, etc. It doesn’t matter how they feel, it’s about first, second, thirds impressions. Try to remember these kids are very unsure of your role, see you as this outsider especially if they are close to thier mom. They may have a lot of confusion going through divorce as it is seeing them no longer together as a family unit and now dad has a new life outside thier mother, this is very hard. Your husband undoubtedly would love to see everyone get along. You have two choices, make it work or leave if the marriage will not satisfy your life, your needs and desires.
I ask if you can in time to try to understand their feelings and the feelings your husband may feel being torn between his kids and you. From what I know about this, the kids will win every time.
I’m not sure if I’m hitting on anything that resonates in your situation, maybe something here does and might be helpful to you. Blended families are tough and very challenging on marriages.
I know you need extra support and compassion right now, I’m so very sorry for your loss. This undoubtedly is putting a great deal of stress on you and dealing with unhappiness in your marriage at the same time. I hope you find peace, allow yourself to grieve, take care of yourself. 💜🌺
You’re right and hit the mail on each point. In every single situation even when I was right, I was always the wicked witch, loser stepmother. Even during times when everyone was blatantly rude towards me, I lost and still am losing. My spouse when not with his kids has been supportive. And while I know he loves me, he loves his kids more. I get it. It’s his flesh and blood, as he should. I never asked for them to be kicked to the curb, instead I asked for healthy boundaries. Since the kids claim he has never had “rules” prior to me, they believe I’m a dictator stepmom making rules. For example, my husband used to invite the ex wife’s family to all holiday events - TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. Problem is our dating stage was so short and because I’ve never been married before nor have I ever had to deal with other peoples bratty teenagers, now I’m in this mess and see how things truly are. I’m the 5th wheel in my own marriage— behind the ex wife, 2 kids and dominant mother in law. Have no idea why he even bothered getting married! Only after getting married these real experiences came about but never during when he was courting me. And yes, he’s constantly torn between us all. I just do t think he’s capable of any changes that will make anyone of us happy. I need and deserve respect, warmth and I’m not getting that at all. And I did address the child thing early on. In fairness to him, we tried IVF three times. All unsuccessful because I’m too old. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I want to be a mother. I deserve that. It’s even more important than ever since losing my own father. My husband is not on board. Have been going back and forth in this for almost 3 yrs. If and when I become old, sick and dying, do you think his rotten kids will ever visit me?! No way. They barely cared when my father passed away from Covid. They were ONLY concerned that they would not catch the virus. They demanded to be fed and complained. Like mini bloodsuckers. I blame the parent for all their behavioral issues. One of them is almost 20yrs old, college dropout and former drug addict and extremely manipulative like the ex wife. Yet, my husband think she’s perfect. And now she permanently lives at home thanks to the pandemic disrespecting the hell out of me. I put a stop to the abuse and left. Now I suffer from spousal support etc. because he’s busy spoiling them by waiting hand and foot on them. When I ask him to healthy boundaries to teach responsibilities he lashes out - When I was his daughters age, I worked 2 jobs, paid for half of my tuition, had 18credits per semester, earned a 3.8GPA and helped around the house! The most recent argument I had with my spouse is that he regrets not having their backs ad much as he wish had and that, whether they go off to college or move out on their own, he will always have their backs and will always be with them. He keeps saying that his top priority will always be his kids. If that isn’t my husband’s way of saying F-off, then I don’t know what is.
I hear you loud and clear. You sound very angry, completely understand. It will take you bending more than everyone else, the good news is if you can find a happy medium, the relationship, the support, etc with your husband gets better for you. This takes an incredible strength on your part to say your husband, your marriage trumps all and work together to make it work if that’s possible.
The kids will reach a certain age, their maturity will start happening, they start learning thier individuality and be less bothered...Getting to this point is what you have decide on.
I do wish you the best outcome for your happiness. This tough no doubt about it. I hope it all works out for you. 🌺💜
Gosh. Bend more than I already have? When nobody would go visit the daughter at college, I DID. Her own rotten mother didn’t even bother to go visit her own daughter at college during her first year away. But I did. Took her out for a nice girl bonding lunch, bought her clothes, bought her and her roommates everything to fill up their dorm. I went to be a support that’s it, never tried (nor want to be a mother) to his rotten kids. When no one would take her to her first GYN appointment, I did. And the list goes on. Never once did I get a simple thank you. Instead i was told rudely, that is your job. Still, I kept my mouth shut and held my head up high just like my mother told me to. When my father passed, I noticed my husband’s daughter making craft dolls and I mentioned to her how much I love them and would love one. She promised she’d make me one. In fact she used me and told me her and a friend needed supplies, so I took her to the store and bought them all their supplies. Her own father reminded her to keep her promise and make me a doll. 8 months has passed and she never made one. All she ever does is TikTok videos and sits home all day on social media, vapes behind her fathers back. If I sat you down and told you the thousands of dollars I spent on her, the number of rides I gave her and her friends and the support that her own mother never once provided — you’d fall off your chair. So thanks for playing the devils advocate here, I do appreciate it because it can be constructive in some ways, but I will no longer bend on these kids. When I did many times, I was the wicked stepmom each and every time. What they all need to realize, is that, I AM THE ONE GRIEVING. And before I forget to mention, my mother collapsed once, and the kids were only upset and concerned with themselves because they couldn’t watch their movie. I received no support for the pain I was going through and ended up in the ER alone with my mom while my husband took them to a diner and watched a movie. Disgusting. Lastly, how can I ever forget or forgive the night my husband announced our engagement, my stepson congratulated me and welcomed me to the family. He was only 10 years old. The daughter immediately asked if she could have a friend over. NEVER congratulated me (not even to this day) and never apologized. And my husband enabled sat there and did nothing, said nothing. He still enables them and throws me under the bus. So how can I expect those kids to ever respect me when he himself doesn’t lead the pack? Enough is enough. I did nothing wrong. I’m too nice, that’s all I did wrong. And yes, I will never go to their events, graduations nor share their milestones because when I have, I’m disrespected. Let their stupid mother be the one. Oops I forgot, she doesn’t show up either! Damned if I don’t and damned if I do. It’s time I look out for me. No one else will. I married my husband with a ton of baggage including his ex wife who cheated on him and her own kids, with a man who was accused of being a child molestor, who is now behind bars - me on the other hand, yep, sure I brought my own baggage too but no where like that! I have never been married. No kids.
Also forgot to mention that I hope you do not think my anger is directed at you. I’m am feeling overwhelmed with pain, anger and grief and above all, missing my beloved dad. Sorry I’m advance. Right now I will go and take a blanket for the homeless man nearby. Every week I try and take him a bag of groceries. But I missed the market. Something in eyes reminds me of my dad. Maybe the pain and suffering my father endured during his last moments - who knows. Staying busy and helping others is better than listen to my own problems. It’s bad enough!
Please don't shoot messanger. You're holding on to alot of resentment and lots of pent up anger, its shows in your detailed recollection of events your posting.
Couples counceling might be a great idea for you. Till then, always emember you are the outsider in the family as far as the kids go and their fathers relationship with them.
I'm sorry this is hurting you so much. The other option is to leave the marriage.
Wishing the best outcome possible. Best of luck.
Thanks for the continued support and advice. We tried couples counseling 6 times. Look at us now! Lol nothing helps. He just keeps abandoning me every time he feels his kids are being attacked when all I’m doing is reminding him that enabling bratty / self entitlement behavior only hurts them in the end. He runs away and have not seen nor heard from my own spouse for a week, mind you I just lost my parent.
hi sadbear;
i'm so sorry to hear about the pain of losing your dad. but i'm glad you reached out to us! welcome!
i really empathize with your situation.... i know all to well the pain of loss, several times over. i've known several different types of loss too. they hurt in different ways - but they all hurt like hell. and to hear that you aren't getting any support or compassion from those closest to you is another harsh slap in the face; and combined w/ your dad - delivers a devastating 1-2 punch.
from your description, it sounds like your husband is blind - blind to the truth about his own kids, blind to your needs, and hopes; blind to your pain. I suspect based on this, he's not terribly self aware either. and that's sad in many ways - because he's passing that ignorance of self and others down to his kids, and propagating a damaging mindset.
which is worse? loneliness and being alone, both suck serious spit. but IMHO, loneliness when not alone is worse - because it implies that your companion, is no companion. that compounds the aloneness, but also sends a negative message - that your not worthy of attention, and that the companion doesn't care about you. I'm NOT saying your husband doesn't care - i'm saying that's the message he's sending. i'm not saying he does care, cause i can't know.
but being alone is not the worst thing in the world. don't be afraid of that. being alone can always be rectified. being lonely while not alone - can be harder to fix.
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meeting people, and liking them, and thinking they like you - it's EASY, when times are good. It's ONLY when times get tough, that we truly learn who we ourselves are, and who those around us truly are. in my ideal world (in my head) - couples should be forced to face a hard time early in their relationship. then they'd truly know if they should continue being together. i can't say your marriage is over, and i have no idea if your husband is capable of growing into the person you need. but it sounds to me like you need him to do some serious growing, and i'm skeptical whether he can.
all the more reason to reach out to others for support. do you have some close friends you can confide in? as well as support from here, good close friends are what help to make the hard times bearable. I also see in another thread that chloe40 suggested bereavement counseling. wise advise.
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i can see your pain - you're not just grieving the loss of your dad. whether you know it consciously or not - you're also grieving the possible loss of your partner - whether 'virtually' in the lack of connection - or real with the possibility of separation. i know this thought must be in your head somewhere. i could certainly be wrong - altho that's a rare thing ;o) - and i hope i'm wrong, for your sake.
facing our truths is how we start to deal with their reality. this is the 1st step; facing the truth, is admitting there's a problem. and you can't solve a problem that you're in denial of.
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can you have a real conversation with you husband? maybe you can find out if he has an ability to grow, and look beyond himself, and remember he made a commitment to you. if he can - that's a fast track to relieving HALF of the grief you're dealing with. the grief for your dad, that's gonna require time. but that will improve on it's own. the grief relating to your husband, and life - that you have the power to improve.
Hello there,
Gosh, I so needed your words of wisdom. Am still wiping down tears and a whole lot of snot after reading your thorough letter to me. And I THANK YOU. Wow. I don’t even know where to begin. My husband and I love each other so much. However our problems are his children. We cannot seem to all get along and he is BLIND to his children’s flaws, rudeness, lack of empathy (though he agrees the kids were never taught empathy) ..... and so on.... our problems started while we were engaged!!! We started couples therapy way back then! Can you imagine??! Since then, absolutely nothing has changed. I take blame (half of it at least) that I rushed this marriage because of the stupid female proverbial “clock”. I wanted a child. So after less than a year, we married too quickly. Tried IVF, 4 times - all unsuccessful. So that’s the first loss I experienced. No child. Loss number 2, my husband will not adopt, will not consider whatsoever, a total blow to my world of dreams of becoming a mother. Loss number 3: because I made a commitment and a loyal person, I remained in my marriage, only to continually experience self entitled, bratty, rude stepkids (age 15 and 20) that ONLY TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES. This experience has made me feel the most lonely. And my husband keeps saying that it is my perspective on how I view things. Total BS. And I never blame children nor adolescents for behaviorial issues, but I do blame the parents. In keeping my distance from them, and through a handful of couples counselors NOTHING has improved. I love him a lot and in fairness to my husband, he has done SO much for me. More than family and/ or friends could ever. To give you an example, during the 2008 recession I went through a foreclosure and lost my first home, years ago— way before I even married my current husband. It was last year when re-bought that home that I once lost and surprised me with a set of keys. The list of his generous heart goes on and on. And like I said our real issues are his kids and an ex wife who is absent and selfish so the only real responsible parent is my husband. And lastly, the most recent loss is losing my beloved father to Covid19. I never had the opportunity to make him a grandfather. It kills me knowing that. This is also my first experience with death before. Death is not easy for anyone no matter how we lose someone we loved. I was robbed 2 months and 9 days from being able to see him due to nursing home lockdowns. I’ll stop here. Think you get the overall “loss” picture. I am not even 50 yet but I feel like 97 years old. Anyhow, to your point- I have talked to my husband numerous times and in the end, he believes his kids are perfect and will raise them to the best of his ability but what he cannot do anymore is live two separate lives. He is right. I’ve always thought that his position is the most difficult one to be in. He loves his relatively new wife of 5 yrs but yet, he has and rightfully so, wants to be there for his kids. So it is he who is in the most difficult position because he is constantly torn by both worlds. And what I mean by living two separate lives, is that he has his kids half the week— he goes to his home where he has custody of them and during the other half, he is with me in our other home. UNCONVENTIONAL MARRIAGE to say the least. He is had enough of the two separate lives and I refuse to be around his kids. Lord knows I made countless efforts and was always knocked down EVERY SINGLE TIME. Or as he claims that they are just teenagers and that I have to roll with it. Maybe he is right. Maybe not. But what I am not okay with and where I draw the line, is dealing with disrespect, rudeness and the lack of warmth. I deserve all that. Why should I settle for less. All that it drives home is further grieve over the fact that, I don’t have kids of my own. Nobody’s fault. I waited until I was too old to have kids. But I never ever imagined that I would be married into a blended family that treat me like a 5th wheel making me always feel like an outsider, alone and lonely!!!!
wow, SB -
reading your reply literally brought a tear to my eye... i'm so glad you found it helpful. and TY for filling in some of the blanks! i applaud you putting your reaction out there for me, especially with the snot. nothing hits the mark harder than snot... so i got tears of empathy, as well as tears of laughter for the visual!!! TY for that! besides... everyone knows.... (drum roll) sometimes, snot happens. (baa-dump-bombp)
sounds like there's alot more hope than i first thought! i can appreciate the tight spot your hubby's in.... that's hard. it now sounds like his only blindness relates to the kids... maybe a 2x4 at the proper angle, acceleration, and location - could reactivate his sight in that region of the brain!!! 
SO sorry to hear about IVF's.... that's an emotional (and financial) load by itself... i'll add - i never like the idea of adoption either.... but for me... it's because i want to pass on my superior genes - AND - i didn't want to deal with someone else's defective genes!! :-))))) (yep; i kill me heheh, [and others want to])
clearly - YOU're in a tight spot too. torn between a loving marriage w/ your hub; and getting what you need in a relationship - respect and appreciation for making their dad happy - from those bratty sh*ts for kids! you most certainly deserve that at the barest of minimums. and pardon me for saying this.... but someone should give the hubster a wakeup call, and remind him - while he's 1 f'g awesome dude for stepping up and being a dad to his kids - he also needs to be a PARENT too!! and - he's not gonna live out his life w/ his kids (holy crap; god willing, if there is one), he's gonna do that w/ you - and he needs to put 'em back where they came from if they can't shape up; and make sure you're getting basic human respect! ie: the 20yr old could get kicked to curb for a dose of real life!
and no f'g way am i defending the kids - but truth is brain development is not fully complete until mid-20's-ish.... and IMHO - i think empathy is the last to get wired. so just sayin that there's still hope the brain will kick in sooner or later - but some serious parenting would help in the meantime!
unconventional marriage - i can see that... but lemme ask ya - what marriage isn't unconventional?? no one gave us operators manuals to these skin bags we're stuck inside... and as if it ain't hard enough figuring out your own skin bag - getting along with another while you're still learning yours??? "fo-getta bout-it" !!
but 2 sep lives - that's tough - maybe both of you need to decide which each of you wants to live... hopefully you can come to an agreement or better compromise. AND - it is NOT - he alone torn by 2 worlds (IMHO) - not if you truly are part of him - you are torn alongside him. and he needs to see and understand that.
while i may agree a bit that you need to roll w/ teenagers - unless you're a masochist, you do NOT wanna take that ride [again] with them. you survived your trip thru teens - and ya wanna help others thru - but for your own sake - don't let 'em drag you with them!! the lack of warmth bit - i might argue that comes w/ teens. it's hard to be warm when u dealing w/ all the teen BS. but disrespect and rudeness - NO ONE deserves that - especially not the loving wife of the man that brought those miserable brats into this world!! no friggin excuse for that outside of lack of parenting. on that point - no one deserves less!
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re: grief over not having kids of your own... i think it's a very good bet, that if you had kids of your own - you would only be trading one kind of grief for another!!! having been a kid - and arguably - still being one.... i think it safe to say that my sole purpose on this planet is to deliver grief to all i can - especially my parents!!!!!!
the ONLY truly truly happy parents i've ever known - are grandparents!!! and a very large part of their joy - is sadistically watching their grandkids inflict the grief they had to endure, back on their kids, so they get a dose of what they gave!!!!!!!
no reason for you to be 5th wheel - the 20yr old don't friggin count anymore - so you deserve AT LEAST 4th wheel treatment - and i wouldn't stand for less! PS: i'm a step-kid to 2 step-parents, and if i ever treated one like you're describing, my dad would have killed me. you do NOT disrespect the 1 making your bio-parent happy. you just f'g dont.
seriously, i appreciate your loyalty and commitment to your marriage - that's admirable. But you gotta get some time behind the wheel too. And only you can decide where the balance is, between living for your marriage and living for YOU.
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