what am i supposed to do

[magicly_rose]

..maybe please read? idk. you don't have to. idk haha

Everything is wrong with me. I don’t know. Is she a bad person? Am I the horrible person? I really don’t know what to believe. I don’t know how to feel. I want to go to my room and just sleep forever. I don’t know what the best thing to do is, really. She cares about me and it shows but then things she says hit me hard. I don’t know how to express myself because I rarely feel like I can really go at my feelings with her. Stupid damn God she keeps bringing up. I should have just shut the **** up. Maybe talking about my feelings is never the right thing. I tell my boyfriend how I feel, completely honest. He gets worried and texts my mom and she reminds me that his parents can read the messages and tell him they don’t want him with me because I'm “a sack of problems”. What the hell am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel?

Am I the only human being that doesn’t understand how you can hear things about your daughter, how she’s hurting herself and how you can just say “i’ll pray about it and we’ll see in the morning”? Who even knows if i’ll be here in the morning? (i’m not going to kill myself, i’m just saying). Am i the only person that thinks that a good response would be to come over, hug me and let me cry? Please, is that too much to ask for? But why do i feel like i can’t even tell you *that*? I’m just the teenage child that doesn’t cease to disobey. I can just, flip a ******* switch and not disobey, right? That’s how it works? I can just flip a switch and be able to focus in school. I can just flip a switch and stop talking to my boyfriend during the day when i feel like i’m starting to slip, right? And I also manipulated my boyfriend to text you, right?? Absolutely. Of course. OF COURSE i didn’t see this coming and i CERTAINLY wanted him to text you (i’m being sarcastic, i knew him texting my mom wouldn’t do anything, but i was a moron and i was hopeful) (also, when i say “you” i’m speaking of my mother). I honestly don’t know what to do? I feel lost and like a horrible child. I don’t want to be lied to and told that i’m ‘so obedient’. But i also don’t want to be constantly reminded of how much i disobey. Apparently i just always think that *my* ways is the *best* way. I barely even know how to stop my way. And is it not apparent that the more you tell a teen/child to stop something the more they’re going to want to do that specific thing?? Is it just me that knows this?? Amazing, you believe in me. You “know” I can do it.

I feel like a horrible human being for wanting to move in with my dad. Am i really that bad?? I just got my room done here, i’m on a diet here, i have a good school, but i don’t really *care* about those things. I’m thankful, and i feel like even more **** that i want to move *because* i have those things. What the hell am i supposed to do??

Why do i hurt myself? So i can cry. So i can hurt enough that i finally ******* cry. I’ve held the tears in a lot, and i get tired of it, so i force myself to cry. Is it a bad way to get it to happen? Yes, obviously. It’s also a physical manifestation of my pain. It’s a way to show “hey, i might look like i’m fine, but i’m really not. I’m really broken and i really need help”. But i don’t even know what help i need. I don’t know what to say when i’m asked “what do you need from me”. I don’t know. I really don’t. I need help, but what do i need? What am i supposed to do? Am i supposed to know what i need? My mother kept asking "what do you want from me" and i just stared at her. I didn't know how to answer. what the hell do i need?

I make it sound like life with my father is perfect. Maybe it’s not. Maybe i’m putting it on a pedestal because I barely get to see him now. I mean, he often tells me to pray just like my mom does. But i feel heard with him. I feel listened to. I’m not afraid to bawl and tell him what my problems are. I mean, I’m sure i could probably do that with my mom, but i somehow end up getting mad and ******* it all up. We started off okay, but i was pissed off. I was pissed off that she hadn’t come to me. But how is she supposed to know what i want? Idk. i guess i think that it’s common sense. I really don’t ******* know. Every damn time we talk seriously i end up getting irritated and therefore exasperating her and ruining everything. I ruin everything i look at or touch. Everything in my life is **** because of myself. What am i supposed to do? I honestly just want to disappear. I just want to sleep endlessly, but i have so many ******* things i want to do with my life that that just isn’t possible. I cant die or sleep forever. Hah i’m so lost and i feel like such a **** human being. If you actually read all of this, thanks. Means a lot. I’d definitely like some opinions or something, but you don’t have to. Thanks <3

[magicly_rose]

you're literally the only person to reply. thank you so much <3